Super Cool Funny Jokes
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- Kai Laddiman
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Super Cool Funny Jokes
Hi! Does anybody have any super cool funny jokes they would like to share? If so, you can post them on this topic. I would be very grateful if you could.
16/10/2007 - Episode 4460
Dinos Sfyris 76 - 78 Dorian Lidell
Proof that even idiots can get well and truly mainwheeled.
Dinos Sfyris 76 - 78 Dorian Lidell
Proof that even idiots can get well and truly mainwheeled.
- Jason Larsen
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
I've got one, and Kai, I know you won't get this, but...
"What did the dog's master ask his dog because he knew his dog was a cannibal?"
"Are You Being Served?"
"What did the dog's master ask his dog because he knew his dog was a cannibal?"
"Are You Being Served?"
Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
These are old jokes, Kai, but they sprung to mind after reading Jason's dog joke:
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Do-you-think-he-saw-us
What do you call a blind dinosaur's guide dog?
Do-you-think-he-saw-us Rex
apt for one meaning of dark-glasses wearing, anyway!
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Do-you-think-he-saw-us
What do you call a blind dinosaur's guide dog?
Do-you-think-he-saw-us Rex
apt for one meaning of dark-glasses wearing, anyway!
"My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me." Benjamin Disraeli
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Very funny, Julie!
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was holding the first monkey's hand!
Why did the third monkey fall out of a tree?
Because he thought it was a game!
I would like to point out that the above jokes were typed by my 7 year old and in no way reflect the view of the managing parents!!
Because he was dead
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was holding the first monkey's hand!
Why did the third monkey fall out of a tree?
Because he thought it was a game!
I would like to point out that the above jokes were typed by my 7 year old and in no way reflect the view of the managing parents!!
She came, she saw - oh well, at least she tried!
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
These are the best jokes I have and to be honest they are bad jokes!
Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming that I'm a piece of litter.
Don't talk rubbish!
Where is the best place to weigh a pie?
"Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie"
Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming that I'm a piece of litter.
Don't talk rubbish!
Where is the best place to weigh a pie?
"Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie"
Last edited by Stewart Scott on Mon Oct 27, 2008 5:54 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Stewart, that reminds me of:
Where's the best place to weigh a whale?
At a Whaleweigh Station!
Where's the best place to weigh a whale?
At a Whaleweigh Station!
"My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me." Benjamin Disraeli
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Great jokes, everyone!
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
I am impressed at how many examples there are of things failing on 4 counts here.
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
This is quite a funny joke. Does your son have any more?DebbiF wrote:Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was holding the first monkey's hand!
Why did the third monkey fall out of a tree?
Because he thought it was a game!
I would like to point out that the above jokes were typed by my 7 year old and in no way reflect the view of the managing parents!!
I like this oneStewart Scott wrote:Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming that I'm a piece of litter.
Don't talk rubbish!
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
How did the fairly new bottle of Pimm's wine taste?
Alexander Arm-strong!
Alexander Arm-strong!
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
[
Why did the bubble gum cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!
(N.B - same parental disclaimer as before )
She's my daughter and she came up with this oneJoseph Bolas wrote:This is quite a funny joke. Does your son have any more?DebbiF wrote:Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was holding the first monkey's hand!
Why did the third monkey fall out of a tree?
Because he thought it was a game!
I would like to point out that the above jokes were typed by my 7 year old and in no way reflect the view of the managing parents!!
Why did the bubble gum cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!
(N.B - same parental disclaimer as before )
She came, she saw - oh well, at least she tried!
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Penguin (P) goes into Newsagents (N) -
P - got any fish?
N - no, sorry, we sell papers
next day P goes in again
P - got any fish?
N - no, I told you we do not sell fish
same next day
P - got any fish?
N - NO. And if you ask me again, I'll nail your flipper to the wall
next day
P - got any nails?
N - no, we sell papers
P - got any fish?
P - got any fish?
N - no, sorry, we sell papers
next day P goes in again
P - got any fish?
N - no, I told you we do not sell fish
same next day
P - got any fish?
N - NO. And if you ask me again, I'll nail your flipper to the wall
next day
P - got any nails?
N - no, we sell papers
P - got any fish?
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
John Bosley wrote:Penguin (P) goes into Newsagents (N) -
P - got any fish?
N - no, sorry, we sell papers
next day P goes in again
P - got any fish?
N - no, I told you we do not sell fish
same next day
P - got any fish?
N - NO. And if you ask me again, I'll nail your flipper to the wall
next day
P - got any nails?
N - no, we sell papers
P - got any fish?
She came, she saw - oh well, at least she tried!
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
An interviewer saw from the form in front of him that the name of the candidate sitting opposite him was 'Ghoti'.
"How exactly do you pronounce your name, Mr. ... um ...?" he asked.
"Fish," the man replied. "GH as in 'rough', O as in 'women' and TI as in 'station'.
"How exactly do you pronounce your name, Mr. ... um ...?" he asked.
"Fish," the man replied. "GH as in 'rough', O as in 'women' and TI as in 'station'.
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Taxi driver gets stopped in Wigan,and is asked,"is there a B&Q in Wigan"?.Taxi driver says,"I don,t know but there is a W and G.
Man goes onto the beach and asks the bloke with the donkeys would he be able to hire one of them? "Of course" he replies "there is a small screw underneath".
Man goes onto the beach and asks the bloke with the donkeys would he be able to hire one of them? "Of course" he replies "there is a small screw underneath".
Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Having witnessed what's gone before, I have no qualms about posting these:
Q: What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?
A: One's weasily identified and the other's stoatally different.
The main quality of that joke is it stands a small chance of being asked in a non-jocular context, and can hence be passed off as searing impromptu "wit"
Q: What's the difference between a magician and an experimental psychologist?
A: One pulls rabbits out of a hat, the other pulls habits out of a rat.
*Gets coat, hails taxi*
Q: What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?
A: One's weasily identified and the other's stoatally different.
The main quality of that joke is it stands a small chance of being asked in a non-jocular context, and can hence be passed off as searing impromptu "wit"
Q: What's the difference between a magician and an experimental psychologist?
A: One pulls rabbits out of a hat, the other pulls habits out of a rat.
*Gets coat, hails taxi*
Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
What, no Richard Herring or Stewart Lee material yet?
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
...and then I got off the bus.Gary Male wrote:What, no Richard Herring or Stewart Lee material yet?
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
^^These are comfortably the worst jokes ive heard in a long time.
What do you say to a fat man in a pub?
You're round.
Two paedofiles on a beach, one says 'Get out of my sun'.
Two drunks walk past Old Trafford.
'Is that Wembley?'
'No its Thursday'
'So am I, lets go to the pub'
What do you say to a fat man in a pub?
You're round.
Two paedofiles on a beach, one says 'Get out of my sun'.
Two drunks walk past Old Trafford.
'Is that Wembley?'
'No its Thursday'
'So am I, lets go to the pub'
If I suddenly have a squirming baby on my lap it probably means that I should start paying it some attention and stop wasting my time messing around on a Countdown forum
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
<WARNING! LAME JOKES ALERT!>
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens hadn't been invented!
Why did the dog cross the road? Because it was the chicken's day off!
Why did the monkey cross the road? Because there was a banana on the other side!
Why didn't the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn't chicken!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens hadn't been invented!
Why did the dog cross the road? Because it was the chicken's day off!
Why did the monkey cross the road? Because there was a banana on the other side!
Why didn't the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn't chicken!
16/10/2007 - Episode 4460
Dinos Sfyris 76 - 78 Dorian Lidell
Proof that even idiots can get well and truly mainwheeled.
Dinos Sfyris 76 - 78 Dorian Lidell
Proof that even idiots can get well and truly mainwheeled.
Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Question: In the Egyptian version of Neighbours, where do the residents live?
Answer: Rameses Street
(that's why I work in IT and I'm not in comedy).
Proper Joke from the comedian, Jimmy Carr:
A Scotsman, an Irish Man, and a Englishman walk into a Bar. The landlord says, "Is this some sort of joke?"
Answer: Rameses Street
(that's why I work in IT and I'm not in comedy).
Proper Joke from the comedian, Jimmy Carr:
A Scotsman, an Irish Man, and a Englishman walk into a Bar. The landlord says, "Is this some sort of joke?"
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Why did Richard Brittain cross the road?
He absolutely positvely didn't: the photographs were faked. If you look closely at them you will see crosshairs evident but there are none on Richard's person in the photos implying that his image was super-imposed upon a pre-existing photo of a road crossing. Also, the silhouette is ridiculous, given the angle of the sun there is no way that his body could cast such a silhouette. I think we all know who is behind this lamentable forgery but if you don't, read Richard Brittain's, "The Truth", available at all good survivalist outlets now!
He absolutely positvely didn't: the photographs were faked. If you look closely at them you will see crosshairs evident but there are none on Richard's person in the photos implying that his image was super-imposed upon a pre-existing photo of a road crossing. Also, the silhouette is ridiculous, given the angle of the sun there is no way that his body could cast such a silhouette. I think we all know who is behind this lamentable forgery but if you don't, read Richard Brittain's, "The Truth", available at all good survivalist outlets now!
Last edited by David O'Donnell on Thu Oct 30, 2008 2:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Doddy wins this thread.David O'Donnell wrote:Why did Richard Brittain cross the road?
He absolutely positvely didn't: the photographs were faked. If you look closely at them you will see crosshairs evident but there are none on Richard's person in the photos implying that his image was super-imposed upon a pre-existing photo of a road crossing. Also, the silhouette is ridiculous, given the angle of the sun there is no way that his body could cast such a silhouette. I think we all know who is behind this lamentable forgery but if you don't read Richard Brittain's, "The Truth", available at all good survivalist outlets now!
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Why did David O'Donnell cross the road?
Because he couldn't get his c*ck out of the back of the chicken.
Sorry mate
Because he couldn't get his c*ck out of the back of the chicken.
Sorry mate
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
You're card is marked now, Kirkie
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Haha I needed to choose a person who I knew wouldn't take offence to it!David O'Donnell wrote:You're card is marked now, Kirkie
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Phew! For a minute there I thought you'd seen my website.Kirk Bevins wrote:Haha I needed to choose a person who I knew wouldn't take offence to it!David O'Donnell wrote:You're card is marked now, Kirkie
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Our sciene teacher's favourite:
and how do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her
and how do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
2 blokes at a bar
A - I've seen oil and tar on two shores.
B - What shores?
A - Gin and tonic, please.
A - I've seen oil and tar on two shores.
B - What shores?
A - Gin and tonic, please.
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Very funny.
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
I don't find that funny, just offensive.Jimmy wrote:Our sciene teacher's favourite:
and how do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
That was my A-Level Science teacher's favourite joke as well!Jimmy wrote:Our sciene teacher's favourite:
and how do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
**Apologies to the easily offended**Dinos Sfyris wrote:That was my A-Level Science teacher's favourite joke as well!Jimmy wrote:Our sciene teacher's favourite:
and how do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her
My GCSE chemistry teacher's favourite (around the time Queen's lead singer's death):
What's more deadly than lead in your bloodstream?
Mercury up your arse.
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
When I went to school, the "gh" was as in "enough".John Douglas wrote:An interviewer saw from the form in front of him that the name of the candidate sitting opposite him was 'Ghoti'.
"How exactly do you pronounce your name, Mr. ... um ...?" he asked.
"Fish," the man replied. "GH as in 'rough', O as in 'women' and TI as in 'station'.
Actually, it's weasily wecognised.Paul Howe wrote:Q: What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?
A: One's weasily identified and the other's stoatally different.
This reminds me of this one:Matthew Green wrote:Two drunks walk past Old Trafford.
'Is that Wembley?'
'No its Thursday'
'So am I, lets go to the pub'
Three slightly deaf old ladies meet at a street corner.
"Windy, isn't it?"
"No, it's Thursday."
"So am I! Let's all go and have a cup of tea."
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick it up and suck its d**k.
Pick it up and suck its d**k.
If I suddenly have a squirming baby on my lap it probably means that I should start paying it some attention and stop wasting my time messing around on a Countdown forum
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Matthew Green wrote:How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick it up and suck its d**k.
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
It ran out of juice.
Why was the butcher angry?
Because the delivery boy sat on the mincer and got a little behind in his deliveries.
Why don't gypsies need condoms?
They have crystal balls so they can see it coming.
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
It's not hard...
It ran out of juice.
Why was the butcher angry?
Because the delivery boy sat on the mincer and got a little behind in his deliveries.
Why don't gypsies need condoms?
They have crystal balls so they can see it coming.
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
It's not hard...
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Jay S wrote:Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
It ran out of juice.
Why was the butcher angry?
Because the delivery boy sat on the mincer and got a little behind in his deliveries.
Why don't gypsies need condoms?
They have crystal balls so they can see it coming.
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
It's not hard...
And it all started off so pleasantly ... funny tho
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
You shouldn't have taken offence, just the gate. Ok that was really really shit...Michael Simmonds wrote:I don't find that funny, just offensive.Jimmy wrote:Our sciene teacher's favourite:
and how do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her
Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Plus, are you serious? How on earth is that offensive, it's a bit of wordplay?Jimmy wrote:You shouldn't have taken offence, just the gate. Ok that was really really shit...Michael Simmonds wrote:I don't find that funny, just offensive.Jimmy wrote:Our sciene teacher's favourite:
and how do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Oh, I think this goes some way to explaining it:
Michael Simmonds wrote:
Oooh! Yes Please! Can we also burn/hang those 'fake' witches who come round on Halloween? As for slavery, its never been abolished at my house. In fact I have my own personal slave, shes called The Wife.
And I replied:
I don't find that funny, just offensive.
It's no big deal tho - arguments on the internet is another thing I'd put into room 101.
Michael Simmonds wrote:
Oooh! Yes Please! Can we also burn/hang those 'fake' witches who come round on Halloween? As for slavery, its never been abolished at my house. In fact I have my own personal slave, shes called The Wife.
And I replied:
I don't find that funny, just offensive.
It's no big deal tho - arguments on the internet is another thing I'd put into room 101.
Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
I see. I just sourced that quote and found that Michael's son Lee wants to put me into Room 101. Wonder what that's all about?! Funny.Jimmy wrote:Oh, I think this goes some way to explaining it:
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
sorry
Last edited by Jimmy Gough on Mon Dec 22, 2008 12:57 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
My brother is a gynaecologist - he did want to be a brain surgeon but wasn't tall enough.
- Kai Laddiman
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Any more cracka-lackin' jokes from anyone?
16/10/2007 - Episode 4460
Dinos Sfyris 76 - 78 Dorian Lidell
Proof that even idiots can get well and truly mainwheeled.
Dinos Sfyris 76 - 78 Dorian Lidell
Proof that even idiots can get well and truly mainwheeled.
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
These are, as far as I care, the two best jokes ever. They've been my top 2 for a very very very long time and don't look like budging any time soon:
Why can't Jews be Morris Dancers?
Because you have to be a complete prick to be a Morris Dancer
(and this one is much better spoken than typed:)
Why does Edward Woodward have 4 Ds in his name?
Because otherwise he'd be called Ewar Woowar
haha... just made myself laugh out loud (as in laugh out loud, not the neutered weak "lol" of the Internet) by simply typing that 2nd one!
Why can't Jews be Morris Dancers?
Because you have to be a complete prick to be a Morris Dancer
(and this one is much better spoken than typed:)
Why does Edward Woodward have 4 Ds in his name?
Because otherwise he'd be called Ewar Woowar
haha... just made myself laugh out loud (as in laugh out loud, not the neutered weak "lol" of the Internet) by simply typing that 2nd one!
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
What do Jews have to do with pricking?
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
At no point in Matt's post did he use 'prick' as a verb, so the answer is: nothing of relevance.Jason Larsen wrote:What do Jews have to do with pricking?
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
It is indeed funnier when spoken, but it's only really funny in the voice of Joe Pasquale, who originated it.Matt Morrison wrote:(and this one is much better spoken than typed:)
Why does Edward Woodward have 4 Ds in his name?
Because otherwise he'd be called Ewar Woowar
An old favourite of mine (look away now if schoolboyish smut offends you):
Q. What's the difference between an egg and a wank?
A. You can beat an egg.
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Cheers for the info Phil, even though you've kind of spoiled the dream for me.Phil Reynolds wrote:It is indeed funnier when spoken, but it's only really funny in the voice of Joe Pasquale, who originated it.
My uncle (you know, one of those naughty, cool uncles) taught me that one when I was about 12 or something and it's never left me for fifteen years - to learn it came from Joe Pasquale is a bit of a letdown as I'm not a Pasquale fan, but I'll try and blank that from my mind.
Oh, and thanks for backing me up on the Morris Dancer joke, saved me going back to check my grammar!
...kind of makes me feel bad for making an example out of you in the DOND thread that you're no doubt about to catch up on! Sorry!
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
I don't understand humor sometimes, Phil.
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
...or know how to spell it, evidently.Jason Larsen wrote:I don't understand humor sometimes, Phil.
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Phil, I'm American.
Now, I've got a good joke!
Where does an organ donor like to go swimming?
In a liver pool.
That was for you, Joseph! I thought you'd like it!
Now, I've got a good joke!
Where does an organ donor like to go swimming?
In a liver pool.
That was for you, Joseph! I thought you'd like it!
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Why is Jason actually Swedish not American?Jason Larsen wrote:Phil, I'm American.
Now, I've got a good joke!
Where does an organ donor like to go swimming?
In a liver pool.
Because he is Lar's son.
How do we know that Jason has 2 dads?
Because he is Jay's son and Lar's son
Living life in a gyratory circus kind of way.
- Phil Reynolds
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Good to hear Stew reviving the old "I was 28 years old" punchline on this week's Comedy Vehicle.Ben Hunter wrote:...and then I got off the bus.Gary Male wrote:What, no Richard Herring or Stewart Lee material yet?
- Charlie Reams
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
He also reused the joke from Garth Marengi about Chris Moyles, saying "he's one of the few people who's written more books than he's read." The joke is probably older than both of them, come to think about it. Good programme though, I like him.Phil Reynolds wrote:Good to hear Stew reviving the old "I was 28 years old" punchline on this week's Comedy Vehicle.Ben Hunter wrote:...and then I got off the bus.Gary Male wrote:What, no Richard Herring or Stewart Lee material yet?
- Phil Reynolds
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Indeed, though I did begin to fear for his sanity during this week's extended rant about Del Boy falling through the bar. I've been a big fan of Lee & Herring (jointly and severally) since the old Fist of Fun days, and was in the studio audience for the last ever live broadcast of TMWRNJ. Saw Rich's new live show The Headmaster's Son the other week, and very good it was too.Charlie Reams wrote:He also reused the joke from Garth Marengi about Chris Moyles, saying "he's one of the few people who's written more books than he's read." The joke is probably older than both of them, come to think about it. Good programme though, I like him.Phil Reynolds wrote:Good to hear [Stewart Lee] reviving the old "I was 28 years old" punchline on this week's Comedy Vehicle.
- Jason Larsen
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
Derek, I've learned something about you already!
You are very funny!
You are very funny!
- Tyron Potts
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Re: Super Cool Funny Jokes
It's the extended, repetitive rants that put me off during this week's episode. They detracted from an otherwise quite clever routine.Phil Reynolds wrote:Indeed, though I did begin to fear for his sanity during this week's extended rant about Del Boy falling through the bar.
You know what my trouble is, don't you? Moon on a stick...