c4countdown

Countdown favourite Tim Vine won the best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival during the weekend.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202

But did "The Joke Machine Gun"'s joke deserve to win

Here are the contenders:

1. Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2. David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3. Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4. Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5. Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6. John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7. Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8. Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9. Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

10. Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

Enjoy.

Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

Made me smile as an opening for something more... why wouldn't Tim go on that holiday again? I'm not sure if it's because the weather was bad, or maybe he didn't like the hotel? Or perhaps he just thinks it was so good that he couldn't possibly top it? Tell us, tell us!

Jon Corby wrote:

Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

Made me smile as an opening for something more... why wouldn't Tim go on that holiday again? I'm not sure if it's because the weather was bad, or maybe he didn't like the hotel? Or perhaps he just thinks it was so good that he couldn't possibly top it? Tell us, tell us!

Double-like.

One of the worst jokes was "Why did the chicken commit suicide? - To get to the other side" I actually liked this one; am I a wrong person?

David O'Donnell wrote:One of the worst jokes was "Why did the chicken commit suicide? - To get to the other side" I actually liked this one; am I a wrong person?

No, that's quite good I think. It's pretty fucking hard to put a fresh twist on chicken jokes, and (as I haven't heard it before, although I get the feeling it MUST have been around a while) that does it for me.

Tim Vine's is not as good as Emo Philips's's, but I don't have time to give my reasons as we're off to a Chinese supermarket.

Matt Morrison wrote:

David O'Donnell wrote:One of the worst jokes was "Why did the chicken commit suicide? - To get to the other side" I actually liked this one; am I a wrong person?

No, that's quite good I think. It's pretty fucking hard to put a fresh twist on chicken jokes, and (as I haven't heard it before, although I get the feeling it MUST have been around a while) that does it for me.

Is it okay to eat the chicken if it committed suicide?

Jon Corby wrote:

Matt Morrison wrote:

David O'Donnell wrote:One of the worst jokes was "Why did the chicken commit suicide? - To get to the other side" I actually liked this one; am I a wrong person?

No, that's quite good I think. It's pretty fucking hard to put a fresh twist on chicken jokes, and (as I haven't heard it before, although I get the feeling it MUST have been around a while) that does it for me.

Is it okay to eat the chicken if it committed suicide?

ARRRRRGHHHH!

I don't care if you fuck the chicken.

Jon Corby wrote:

Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

Made me smile as an opening for something more... why wouldn't Tim go on that holiday again? I'm not sure if it's because the weather was bad, or maybe he didn't like the hotel? Or perhaps he just thinks it was so good that he couldn't possibly top it? Tell us, tell us!

You know those beautiful moments when everything in your life suddenly makes perfect sense? I just had one of those.

Jon Corby wrote:

Matt Morrison wrote:

David O'Donnell wrote:One of the worst jokes was "Why did the chicken commit suicide? - To get to the other side" I actually liked this one; am I a wrong person?

No, that's quite good I think. It's pretty fucking hard to put a fresh twist on chicken jokes, and (as I haven't heard it before, although I get the feeling it MUST have been around a while) that does it for me.

Is it okay to eat the chicken if it committed suicide?

Not if it took a cyanide pill.

Charlie Reams wrote: You know those beautiful moments when everything in your life suddenly makes perfect sense? I just had one of those.

Like an epiphany or do you mean something else?

David O'Donnell wrote:

Charlie Reams wrote: You know those beautiful moments when everything in your life suddenly makes perfect sense? I just had one of those.

Like an epiphany or do you mean something else?

Yes, exactly that.

Charlie Reams wrote:

David O'Donnell wrote:

Charlie Reams wrote: You know those beautiful moments when everything in your life suddenly makes perfect sense? I just had one of those.

Like an epiphany or do you mean something else?

Yes, exactly that.

Exactly an epiphany or exactly something else?

David O'Donnell wrote:One of the worst jokes was "Why did the chicken commit suicide? - To get to the other side" I actually liked this one; am I a wrong person?

I thought it was good too.

I'm going to hijack this thread to discuss this year's winner of Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe".

Won by Olaf Falafel, it goes "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

However, it's a bit of a shit joke isn't it? I mean, it's just a weak pun. There must have been millions of puns going about, so what makes this one stand out? Furthermore, how many people listening to that would just think "What the fuck does "florets" mean anyway?" So it's poor all round. And now people have been complaining about it. "If you're going to make a joke about my condition, at least make sure it isn't a shit pun that uses a word most people have never heard of" was not one of the complaints.

Gavin Chipper wrote: ↑Wed Aug 21, 2019 2:41 pm I'm going to hijack this thread to discuss this year's winner of Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe".

Won by Olaf Falafel, it goes "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

However, it's a bit of a shit joke isn't it? I mean, it's just a weak pun. There must have been millions of puns going about, so what makes this one stand out? Furthermore, how many people listening to that would just think "What the fuck does "florets" mean anyway?" So it's poor all round. And now people have been complaining about it. "If you're going to make a joke about my condition, at least make sure it isn't a shit pun that uses a word most people have never heard of" was not one of the complaints.

It is a shit pun for sure.
( It must be shit if I think it is.)
I can think of a few jokes on the shortlist funnier.
1 ) Someone threw herbs in my eyes and left me parsley sighted.
2) I hope the person who stole my anti depressants is happy now
3) After many years of searching for a doppelganger , my brother finally foiund one.
He's beside himself

Gavin Chipper wrote: ↑Wed Aug 21, 2019 2:41 pm I'm going to hijack this thread to discuss this year's winner of Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe".

Won by Olaf Falafel, it goes "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

However, it's a bit of a shit joke isn't it? I mean, it's just a weak pun. There must have been millions of puns going about, so what makes this one stand out? Furthermore, how many people listening to that would just think "What the fuck does "florets" mean anyway?" So it's poor all round. And now people have been complaining about it. "If you're going to make a joke about my condition, at least make sure it isn't a shit pun that uses a word most people have never heard of" was not one of the complaints.

I was really surprised when this won. The winners of this are always shit puns but I saw him interviewed on something and he has much better lines than that one. I liked "I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine".

I am guessing this was voted for by the public.
This really is the boaty mcboatface of funny jokes

JimBentley wrote: ↑Fri Aug 23, 2019 3:03 pm"I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died…which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine".

"Trod" contributed way more to my laughter over this joke than it should have.

Marc Meakin wrote: ↑Fri Aug 23, 2019 3:34 pm I am guessing this was voted for by the public.
This really is the boaty mcboatface of funny jokes

I don't think it was the public. I think it was some committee.

Actually from my original link:

The goal of finding the wittiest one-liners fell to an expert panel of 10 judges, comprising the UK's leading comedy critics.

Some wasters then.

Gavin Chipper wrote: ↑Wed Aug 21, 2019 2:41 pm I'm going to hijack this thread to discuss this year's winner of Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe".

Won by Olaf Falafel, it goes "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

However, it's a bit of a shit joke isn't it? I mean, it's just a weak pun. There must have been millions of puns going about, so what makes this one stand out? Furthermore, how many people listening to that would just think "What the fuck does "florets" mean anyway?" So it's poor all round. And now people have been complaining about it. "If you're going to make a joke about my condition, at least make sure it isn't a shit pun that uses a word most people have never heard of" was not one of the complaints.

Another
pretty lame joke winning the award.

Callum Todd wrote: ↑Mon Aug 22, 2022 10:15 am

Gavin Chipper wrote: ↑Wed Aug 21, 2019 2:41 pm I'm going to hijack this thread to discuss this year's winner of Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe".

Won by Olaf Falafel, it goes "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

However, it's a bit of a shit joke isn't it? I mean, it's just a weak pun. There must have been millions of puns going about, so what makes this one stand out? Furthermore, how many people listening to that would just think "What the fuck does "florets" mean anyway?" So it's poor all round. And now people have been complaining about it. "If you're going to make a joke about my condition, at least make sure it isn't a shit pun that uses a word most people have never heard of" was not one of the complaints.

Another
pretty lame joke winning the award.

1. Ipswich Town FC
2. Nicola Sturgeon
3. Cressida Dick (who certainly lived up to her name)

Are my 3 favourite jokes

Callum Todd wrote: ↑Mon Aug 22, 2022 10:15 am

Gavin Chipper wrote: ↑Wed Aug 21, 2019 2:41 pm I'm going to hijack this thread to discuss this year's winner of Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe".

Won by Olaf Falafel, it goes "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets".

However, it's a bit of a shit joke isn't it? I mean, it's just a weak pun. There must have been millions of puns going about, so what makes this one stand out? Furthermore, how many people listening to that would just think "What the fuck does "florets" mean anyway?" So it's poor all round. And now people have been complaining about it. "If you're going to make a joke about my condition, at least make sure it isn't a shit pun that uses a word most people have never heard of" was not one of the complaints.

Another
pretty lame joke winning the award.

Yeah, it's awful isn't it? The fact that he had to set it up with "female guard" makes it so clunky and awkward. In any case just a bad pun and one of millions that exist out there.

I preferred the Jerry Sadowitz one

I see an Aussie (Campbell) won the Edinburgh Comedy award.
(formally The Perrier) one of his jokes I liked was. I Used to play for the Wallabies.
Took my flute down the animal sanctuary.

Favourite joke this week
A, friend of mine was feeling low when her pet died so I gave her a hug and whispered "Plethora"
She replied " Thanks, it means a lot"

It's a terrible joke.

Gavin Chipper wrote: ↑Thu Oct 06, 2022 2:52 pm It's a terrible joke.

Jokes tend to be less enjoyable when you have to message your mates asking them to explain it

Gavin Chipper wrote: ↑Thu Oct 06, 2022 2:52 pm It's a terrible joke.

I though a highbrow joke might have worked better here
When I posted it on my timeline only a couple of English teachers ha-haed it.

Marc Meakin wrote: ↑Thu Oct 06, 2022 5:54 pm I though a highbrow joke might have worked better here

Sometimes a joke can be so highbrow it goes over one's head.

Fwiw I enjoyed the plethora joke.

A joke with an intelligence quotient thrown in

OK Highbrow pop music joke : some earworms last 7 hours and 15 days.

Lowbrow pop music joke : My missus asked me if I will refrain from singing Oasis lyrics.
I said Maybe

This weeks :
I was watching TV and my daughter asked my the difference between ignorance and apathy.
"I don't know and I don't care" was my reply

This week's favourite joke:
I made a ventriloquist doll out of some old bits of carpet.
Its ruggish

Marc Meakin wrote: ↑Fri Feb 10, 2023 8:45 am This week's favourite joke:
I made a ventriloquist doll out of some old bits of carpet.
Its ruggish

That's genuinely a crap joke.

Elliott Mellor wrote: ↑Fri Feb 10, 2023 9:31 pm

Marc Meakin wrote: ↑Fri Feb 10, 2023 8:45 am This week's favourite joke:
I made a ventriloquist doll out of some old bits of carpet.
Its ruggish

That's genuinely a crap joke.

Jokes are subjective for sure

It looks like you made that joke out of some old bits of carpet.

Gavin Chipper wrote: ↑Sat Feb 11, 2023 3:35 pm It looks like you made that joke out of some old bits of carpet.

Maybe I need Tim Vine's delivery

When I asked my brother if he was still determined to be a ventriloquist, he was tight lipped about it

I told my daughter she'd pencilled her eyebrows too high up.

She looked surprised.

When my friend questioned me as to why I'm worried about going on a date with a vegan.
I said I'd never been with herbivore.

Since the Epstein papers release, I see Stephen Hawking's big bang theory is trending on social media

Marc Meakin wrote: ↑Fri Jan 05, 2024 4:14 am Since the Epstein papers release, I see Stephen Hawking's big bang theory is trending on social media

You need to explain this to the likes of me.

Marc Meakin wrote: ↑Fri Feb 10, 2023 8:45 am This week's favourite joke:
I made a ventriloquist doll out of some old bits of carpet.
Its ruggish

I enjoyed this more on a second viewing.

Ian Volante wrote: ↑Sat Jan 06, 2024 6:16 pm

Marc Meakin wrote: ↑Fri Jan 05, 2024 4:14 am Since the Epstein papers release, I see Stephen Hawking's big bang theory is trending on social media

You need to explain this to the likes of me.

Its not rocket science
Though on reflexion it's not that funny neither.

Aparrently Bruce Willis is in th papers, though he has nothing to say about it

Marc Meakin wrote: ↑Sat Jan 06, 2024 7:39 pm

Ian Volante wrote: ↑Sat Jan 06, 2024 6:16 pm

Marc Meakin wrote: ↑Fri Jan 05, 2024 4:14 am Since the Epstein papers release, I see Stephen Hawking's big bang theory is trending on social media

You need to explain this to the likes of me.

Its not rocket science

Ah, as an astrophysicist (ish), I don't associate Hawking with rockets...