c4countdown

This is probably a really bad idea for a thread, but sod it.

Kai, over to you...

Gary Male wrote:This is probably a really bad idea for a thread, but sod it.

Kai, over to you...

LOL. He must know some that we don't know, because we're too "old" lol.

Can we not have some kind of Wipeout(et al)-style of making offers?

I'll start by naming four.

hey kai do you know ***@????!

117. I know more than 500, but I am a lot older.

JimBentley wrote:117. I know more than 500, but I am a lot older.

Bob Monkhouse: "Ok Jim, for the first grid, Matt's letting you name 117 swear words."

Haha! I could learn a thing or two from this thread! And by thing or two, I mean swear word or two! I apologise for starting that sentence with an 'and', thereby promising never to do it again. Does anyone have any interesting words that might be slightly esoteric?

Surely in this context the really important thing is: what is the longest swearword that Kai knows.

Well, he knows all you fucks from CoC for a start.

Hannah O wrote:Haha! I could learn a thing or two from this thread! And by thing or two, I mean swear word or two! I apologise for starting that sentence with an 'and', thereby promising never to do it again. Does anyone have any interesting words that might be slightly esoteric?

What does esoteric mean? We didn't talk like wot you writ, where I wos brought up in the back streets of Deptford.

Hannah O wrote:I apologise for starting that sentence with an 'and', thereby promising never to do it again.

There's nothing wrong with starting a sentence with "and".

Shit loads more than he did before CoC and discovering this forum!!!

We're waiting...

We might as well have guess and see who's the closest (bonus round: guess his favourite swear word).

40 swear words
Favourite: shiptar

I'm going 19 and wristwatch.

I hope it's a water-resistant watch. I hate the ones that don't work in saltwater.

Er, 28

Esoteric means obscure, not well known Thank you Charlie for easing my poor conscience!

I'm guessing 56 and..um...
Favourite: epistle

3

Wee. Bum. Poo.

None, I'll bet!

Bet he doesn't know cockbadger.

Ian Volante wrote:Bet he doesn't know cockbadger.

I bet he does now.

Ah, this must be a regional variation. I always use arsebadger. If you want to use cock, the norm is cockferret.

Nicky wrote:Ah, this must be a regional variation. I always use arsebadger. If you want to use cock, the norm is cockferret.

Given that I'm from ten mile sup the road from you, I'm not sure! Although cockbadger has emerged in a group of us from all over the place. As it were.

I was being somewhat tongue-in-cheek about regional variation, since arsebadger also emerged in a group from all over. There was alcohol involved. Those pesky badgers! You can't trust 'em around the stuff. Have you heard of the Star Badger for instance?

Nicky wrote:I was being somewhat tongue-in-cheek about regional variation, since arsebadger also emerged in a group from all over. There was alcohol involved. Those pesky badgers! You can't trust 'em around the stuff. Have you heard of the Star Badger for instance?

The Star Badger is a new one on me. Pray tell!

Whilst on the subject of swear words, my eldest son and I recently heard the term 'fanny bandit' for a gay bloke on a US TV show.
Definitely one of the more amusing instances of us being 'divided by a common language'.

How can that be a swear word?

We know that a British term for a cigarette that means exactly the same is derogatory here.

Speaking of how can that be a swear word, I've been listening to the Collings and Herrin podcasts recently where they referred to The Sun's report on Ronnie O'Sullivan's press conference with the Chinese media (I think. I fully expect the pe'dants brigade to correct me). The Sun asterisked out the word 'nosh'.

Where's Kai?

Gary Male wrote:Speaking of how can that be a swear word, I've been listening to the Collings and Herrin podcasts recently where they referred to The Sun's report on Ronnie O'Sullivan's press conference with the Chinese media (I think. I fully expect the pe'dants* brigade to correct me). The Sun asterisked out the word 'nosh'.

Where's Kai?

I said the word 'nosh' in Kai Laddiman's presence and didn't feel any remorse, so I don't think it's a real swear word.

As in to nosh someone off?

Michael Wallace wrote:As in to nosh someone off?

Or in Sun parlance, to n*** someone off

Gary Male wrote:

Michael Wallace wrote:As in to nosh someone off?

Or in Sun parlance, to n*** someone off

Is that actually the context in which it was being used when the Sun printed it (or rather, didn't print it)?

Michael Wallace wrote:

Gary Male wrote:

Michael Wallace wrote:As in to nosh someone off?

Or in Sun parlance, to n*** someone off

Is that actually the context in which it was being used when the Sun printed it (or rather, didn't print it)?

Yep, he said "Anyone want to give me a nosh? Suck my dick.” after commenting on the rather phallic nature of the microphone.

The legend of the Star Badger. (Ian did ask.)

Out in the furthest reaches of space resides the mighty Star Badger. Whenever you remove a cork from a bottle of wine, or the tab is popped on a can of beer, the Star Badger lifts his shaggy head and sniffs. Slowly, he lumbers across the stars, following the scent of the alcohol. Of course, since he moves so slowly and has so far to travel, by the time he arrives, the alcohol is all consumed, and you are fast asleep. Aggrieved, the Star Badger kicks you in the head, removes all the notes from your wallet, replacing them with small change, and shits in your mouth.

(sorry Kai)

Nicky wrote:The legend of the Star Badger. (Ian did ask.)

Out in the furthest reaches of space resides the mighty Star Badger. Whenever you remove a cork from a bottle of wine, or the tab is popped on a can of beer, the Star Badger lifts his shaggy head and sniffs. Slowly, he lumbers across the stars, following the scent of the alcohol. Of course, since he moves so slowly and has so far to travel, by the time he arrives, the alcohol is all consumed, and you are fast asleep. Aggrieved, the Star Badger kicks you in the head, removes all the notes from your wallet, replacing them with small change, and shits in your mouth.

(sorry Kai)

Great stuff! I may have to spread this legend

Nicky wrote:Aggrieved, the Star Badger kicks you in the head, removes all the notes from your wallet, replacing them with small change, and shits in your mouth.

(sorry Kai)

I've always known of this as a phenomenon caused by the Beer Monkey.

Michael Wallace wrote:As in to nosh someone off?

In my day, a good nosh up meant a good meal.
Was it the same spelling? I'm always willing to learn from you young blokes.

George Jenkins wrote:

Michael Wallace wrote:As in to nosh someone off?

In my day, a good nosh up meant a good meal.

These days we call that "eating out".

Charlie Reams wrote:

George Jenkins wrote:

Michael Wallace wrote:As in to nosh someone off?

In my day, a good nosh up meant a good meal.

These days we call that "eating out".

Thank you Charlie. I won't refer to a "good nosh up again in case I get arrested for using lewd language.

Charlie Reams wrote:

George Jenkins wrote:

Michael Wallace wrote:As in to nosh someone off?

In my day, a good nosh up meant a good meal.

These days we call that "eating out".

A1 Post.

Charlie and Matt, you naughty boys! *wags finger* You can't just have George going off using new stuff that you've just taught him, which is as rude*, if not ruder than what he already says!

George, to me, a nosh up meant the same as it did to you... until I read this thread.
It would seem that 'nosh', like 'eating out' relates to (oh blimey, what am I doing explaining this to an older fella ) oral sex. (Which reminds me of the time when my Gran and Grandad had once read about it in The Sun and asked teenage me what it meant! They'd kinda guessed but weren't sure, so embarrassedly asked me so I shouldn't really be sharing with you lot. When I explained they said oh that's disgusting, and can you imagine that? I didn't quite know what to say... )

Anyway, just wanted to clear that up for George to spare him any embarrassment, and now I'm off to remove Charlie and Matt's Prefect badges and send them to double detention!

*not really rude, but of a sexual nature

Well, teenaged me thought it referred to food, as in "that's some good nosh there!" How shocking.

But seriously, I'm still wondering how many swear words that Kai does know!

I think he was in the episode that I got my banner from. Sometimes the shortest words are the best ones

Lesley Jones wrote:Charlie and Matt, you naughty boys! *wags finger* You can't just have George going off using new stuff that you've just taught him, which is as rude*, if not ruder than what he already says!

George, to me, a nosh up meant the same as it did to you... until I read this thread.
It would seem that 'nosh', like 'eating out' relates to (oh blimey, what am I doing explaining this to an older fella ) oral sex. (Which reminds me of the time when my Gran and Grandad had once read about it in The Sun and asked teenage me what it meant! They'd kinda guessed but weren't sure, so embarrassedly asked me so I shouldn't really be sharing with you lot. When I explained they said oh that's disgusting, and can you imagine that? I didn't quite know what to say... )

Anyway, just wanted to clear that up for George to spare him any embarrassment, and now I'm off to remove Charlie and Matt's Prefect badges and send them to double detention!

*not really rude, but of a sexual nature

Thank you for being so kind to me Lesley, and thank you for the lesson on sexual behavior. I'm always willing to learn, but unfortunately, It's 20 years too late for me to benifit

In fairness I've never heard of nosh in that context. It still means food to me, although I wouldn't personally say it. I was thinking about cun't and wun't earlier. These are Yorkshire (and probably a lot of other regions) slang for "couldn't and wouldn't". People are so used to it, that you can say cun't in the right context and it's not even slightly shocking. A common one from school was "I cun't be arsed" (I could not be bothered) which looks really rude if you write it like that, but in the Yorkshire dialect, it's not really rude at all.

Roxanne wrote:I think he was in the episode that I got my banner from. Sometimes the shortest words are the best ones

You missed the F

BTW, I don't know how many swear words I know. It depends on what is classified as swearing, and I wouldn't be able to count all of them up having joined this forum!

I was wondering when Kai would get round to posting in this topic.

Kai Laddiman wrote:BTW, I don't know how many swear words I know.

What an anti-climax!

Neil Zussman wrote:I was wondering when Kai would get round to posting in this topic.

Kai Laddiman wrote:BTW, I don't know how many swear words I know.

What an anti-climax!

Why thank you. *mr sarcasm*

ON THE SUBJECT OF NOSH
This was the letter that Giles Coren wrote to "The Times" sub editors on the subject, it's hilarious. A sub-editor changed copy from "a nosh" to "nosh". I particularly love the swearing

Gile Coren said
"Chaps,

I am mightily pissed off. I have addressed this to Owen, Amanda and Ben because I don't know who i am supposed to be pissed off with (i'm assuming owen, but i filed to amanda and ben so it's only fair), and also to Tony, who wasn't here - if he had been I'm guessing it wouldn't have happened.

I don't really like people tinkering with my copy for the sake of tinkering. I do not enjoy the suggestion that you have a better ear or eye for how I want my words to read than I do. Owen, we discussed your turning three of my long sentences into six short ones in a single piece, and how that wasn't going to happen anymore, so I'm really hoping it wasn't you that fucked up my review on saturday.

It was the final sentence. Final sentences are very, very important. A piece builds to them, they are the little jingle that the reader takes with him into the weekend.

I wrote: "I can't think of a nicer place to sit this spring over a glass of rosé and watch the boys and girls in the street outside smiling gaily to each other, and wondering where to go for a nosh."

It appeared as: "I can't think of a nicer place to sit this spring over a glass of rosé and watch the boys and girls in the street outside smiling gaily to each other, and wondering where to go for nosh."

There is no length issue. This is someone thinking "I'll just remove this indefinite article because Coren is an illiterate cunt and i know best".

Well, you fucking don't.
This was shit, shit sub-editing for three reasons.
1) 'Nosh', as I'm sure you fluent Yiddish speakers know, is a noun formed from a bastardisation of the German 'naschen'. It is a verb, and can be construed into two distinct nouns. One, 'nosh', means simply 'food'. You have decided that this is what i meant and removed the 'a'. I am insulted enough that you think you have a better ear for English than me. But a better ear for Yiddish? I doubt it. Because the other noun, 'nosh' means "a session of eating" - in this sense you might think of its dual valency as being similar to that of 'scoff'. you can go for a scoff. or you can buy some scoff. the sentence you left me with is shit, and is not what i meant. Why would you change a sentnece aso that it meant something i didn't mean? I don't know, but you risk doing it every time you change something. And the way you avoid this kind of fuck up is by not changing a word of my copy without asking me, okay? it's easy. Not. A. Word. Ever.

2) I will now explain why your error is even more shit than it looks. You see, i was making a joke. I do that sometimes. I have set up the street as "sexually-charged". I have described the shenanigans across the road at G.A.Y.. I have used the word 'gaily' as a gentle nudge. And "looking for a nosh" has a secondary meaning of looking for a blowjob. Not specifically gay, for this is soho, and there are plenty of girls there who take money for noshing boys. "looking for nosh" does not have that ambiguity. the joke is gone. I only wrote that sodding paragraph to make that joke. And you've fucking stripped it out like a pissed Irish plasterer restoring a renaissance fresco and thinking jesus looks shit with a bear so plastering over it. You might as well have removed the whole paragraph. I mean, fucking christ, don't you read the copy?

3) And worst of all. Dumbest, deafest, shittest of all, you have removed the unstressed 'a' so that the stress that should have fallen on "nosh" is lost, and my piece ends on an unstressed syllable. When you're winding up a piece of prose, metre is crucial. Can't you hear? Can't you hear that it is wrong? It's not fucking rocket science. It's fucking pre-GCSE scansion. I have written 350 restaurant reviews for The Times and i have never ended on an unstressed syllable. Fuck. fuck, fuck, fuck.

I am sorry if this looks petty (last time i mailed a Times sub about the change of a single word i got in all sorts of trouble) but i care deeply about my work and i hate to have it fucked up by shit subbing. I have been away, you've been subbing joe and hugo and maybe they just file and fuck off and think "hey ho, it's tomorrow's fish and chips" - well, not me. I woke up at three in the morning on sunday and fucking lay there, furious, for two hours. weird, maybe. but that's how it is.

It strips me of all confidence in writing for the magazine. No exaggeration. i've got a review to write this morning and i really don't feel like doing it, for fear that some nuance is going to be removed from the final line, the pay-off, and i'm going to have another weekend ruined for me.

I've been writing for The Times for 15 years and i have never asked this before - i have never asked it of anyone i have written for - but I must insist, from now on, that i am sent a proof of every review i do, in pdf format, so i can check it for fuck-ups. and i must be sent it in good time in case changes are needed. It is the only way i can carry on in the job.

And, just out of interest, I'd like whoever made that change to email me and tell me why. Tell me the exact reasoning which led you to remove that word from my copy.

Right,
Sorry to go on. Anger, real steaming fucking anger can make a man verbose.
All the best
Giles"

Kai Laddiman wrote:

Neil Zussman wrote:I was wondering when Kai would get round to posting in this topic.

Kai Laddiman wrote:BTW, I don't know how many swear words I know.

What an anti-climax!

Why thank you. *mr sarcasm*

It's pronounced zʊss-mən
(not to rhyme with fuss or bus, although I'm used to that by now)
On a completely unrelated note, can anyone here understand those 'helpful' pronunciation guides written next to words in dictionaries and the like? "prə-nŭn'sē-ā'shən" is 'pronunciation', apparently.

Also, thank you Kate, I thought 'nosh' was Yiddish, but had not yet gotten round to confirming that with my grandma

Kate Richardson wrote:ON THE SUBJECT OF NOSH
This was the letter that Giles Coren wrote to "The Times" sub editors on the subject, it's hilarious. A sub-editor changed copy from "a nosh" to "nosh". I particularly love the swearing

[SNIPPED]

Right,
Sorry to go on. Anger, real steaming Sorry Kaiing anger can make a man verbose.
All the best
Giles"

Awesome rant. If that was his column every week then I'd be tempted to read it.

ok is nosh is yiddish

what is dosh ?

dying to know

Gary Male wrote:
Awesome rant. If that was his column every week then I'd be tempted to read it.

Yes, thanks Kate for posting that!

Gary, I get the Times on Saturday, and Giles' columns in the main paper and in the magazine are very much like that.
He's definitely got his late father's (Alan Coren) scathing wit.
IMHO his sister Victoria's sarcasm comes across as bitchy, but maybe that's just the way it sounds to me.

giles coren as a guest ??

Kate Richardson wrote:giles coren as a guest ??

In dictionary corner? Great idea! He doesn't seem to do much, if any, TV work, though.
Much more likely to get Victoria, with her having done 'Balderdash and Piffle'.
I think I was a wee bit too negative about her in the early hours.

Gary Male wrote:

Kate Richardson wrote:ON THE SUBJECT OF NOSH
This was the letter that Giles Coren wrote to "The Times" sub editors on the subject, it's hilarious.

Awesome rant. If that was his column every week then I'd be tempted to read it.

Well worth also reading the subs' open letter in reply.

Julie T wrote:

Kate Richardson wrote:giles coren as a guest ??

In dictionary corner? Great idea! He doesn't seem to do much, if any, TV work, though.

Giles Coren has appeared on TV quite a lot but is probably best known for co-presenting (with Sue Perkins) Edwardian Supersize Me and its various follow-ups.

Ah, the gorgeous Sue Perkins. Now there would be a great DC guest.

Sue Perkins was a DC guest in 2001

Kate Richardson wrote:ok is nosh is yiddish

what is dosh ?

dying to know

Dosh? I wish that I loads of it. Money!

Ian Fitzpatrick wrote:Sue Perkins was a DC guest in 2001

And is probably the only guest named after a cigarette