Joke Items

Discuss anything interesting but not remotely Countdown-related here.

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Gavin Chipper
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper »

Mark James wrote: Thu Jul 15, 2021 11:04 am
Mark James wrote: Tue Jul 13, 2021 4:02 am Alarms. All alarms should shut off automatically after an hour. If no one is going to respond to the alarm within that time then your shit deserves to get robbed. There's one going off all night. Can't sleep.
Just an update on this. It was a business's alarm that was going off. I rang the police around 4 in the morning then rang the business itself around 5 not expecting to get an answer since surely if there was someone there they would have turned the fecking thing off but no, got through to the security desk to be told that the guy was on his break. Let's just say I gave him some verbal encouragement to turn it off. Only got about two hours sleep before having to go to work and then had a game of football later that evening. Bloody wrecked I was.
This sounds a bit shit. About 20 years ago, when me and a friend walked into some random company's building at about 3 in the morning because they'd somehow forgotten to lock the doors, the alarms went off quite quickly and security were on the site within a matter of minutes, we noticed from our vantage point.

Also normal digital clock alarms that go on forever until you stop them. If someone decides to get up and leave the house before their alarm goes off and doesn't bother to turn it off, one of their hoursemates has to get out of bed to turn off the stupid thing.
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Mark James »

I used to like going on twitter even though I didn't have an account. You could just put urls of people's pages in to your browser and read them. You can still go to people's pages but if you try click into a particular tweet to read the replies you can't anymore. I was able to a few hours ago so it must have just changed and it sucks because now I'm gonna have to join the fecking thing.
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin »

Pomegranates.
Messy and not worth the effort.
Just buy the juice
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Gavin Chipper
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper »

Mark James wrote: Mon Aug 16, 2021 5:26 pm I used to like going on twitter even though I didn't have an account. You could just put urls of people's pages in to your browser and read them. You can still go to people's pages but if you try click into a particular tweet to read the replies you can't anymore. I was able to a few hours ago so it must have just changed and it sucks because now I'm gonna have to join the fecking thing.
I'm sure I can still do that.
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper »

Wine glasses.

Just for one particular drink and no other, you must use this ridiculous, unwieldly, unstable, and easily broken receptacle. If it was a good design, people would use it for other drinks. They don't. Case closed.
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin »

Gavin Chipper wrote: Sat Oct 22, 2022 8:03 pm Wine glasses.

Just for one particular drink and no other, you must use this ridiculous, unwieldly, unstable, and easily broken receptacle. If it was a good design, people would use it for other drinks. They don't. Case closed.
Are you the sort of person who drinks his wine from a box?
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper »

Marc Meakin wrote: Sun Oct 23, 2022 1:13 am
Gavin Chipper wrote: Sat Oct 22, 2022 8:03 pm Wine glasses.

Just for one particular drink and no other, you must use this ridiculous, unwieldly, unstable, and easily broken receptacle. If it was a good design, people would use it for other drinks. They don't. Case closed.
Are you the sort of person who drinks his wine from a box?
I'm the sort of person who doesn't drink wine.
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin »

Gavin Chipper wrote: Sun Oct 23, 2022 6:19 am
Marc Meakin wrote: Sun Oct 23, 2022 1:13 am
Gavin Chipper wrote: Sat Oct 22, 2022 8:03 pm Wine glasses.

Just for one particular drink and no other, you must use this ridiculous, unwieldly, unstable, and easily broken receptacle. If it was a good design, people would use it for other drinks. They don't. Case closed.
Are you the sort of person who drinks his wine from a box?
I'm the sort of person who doesn't drink wine.
I did wonder why you mentioned it as you have no skin in the game as it were 😊
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper »

Cryptic crosswords (hello Dave Gorman in DC this week). You might hear one clue and think "That's clever" but then you realise how formulaic, samey and boring they all are. Maybe not quite as bad as Sudoku but getting there.
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin »

Gavin Chipper wrote: Thu Oct 27, 2022 6:21 pm Cryptic crosswords (hello Dave Gorman in DC this week). You might hear one clue and think "That's clever" but then you realise how formulaic, samey and boring they all are. Maybe not quite as bad as Sudoku but getting there.
I gave up on crosswords when my mum shouted.
"7 across to egg on? 5 letters, second letter is an O"
She wasn't happy when quick as a flash I shouted " Toast"
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Post by Adam Gillard »

Gavin Chipper wrote: Thu Oct 27, 2022 6:21 pm Cryptic crosswords (hello Dave Gorman in DC this week). You might hear one clue and think "That's clever" but then you realise how formulaic, samey and boring they all are. Maybe not quite as bad as Sudoku but getting there.
Most "brain training" style puzzles are formulaic and samey but they do the job of exercising the mind, whether it's crosswords, sudoku, Tetris, bubble popping phone apps or the like. I wouldn't say they're boring but it depends if you're going into it for a challenge / fun or just for a distraction / daily brain workout.
Mike Brown: "Round 12: T N R S A E I G U

C1: SIGNATURE (18) ["9; not written down"]
C2: SEATING (7)
Score: 108–16 (max 113)

Another niner for Adam and yet another century. Well done, that man."
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Re: Joke Items

Post by David Williams »

Gavin Chipper wrote: Thu Oct 27, 2022 6:21 pm Cryptic crosswords (hello Dave Gorman in DC this week). You might hear one clue and think "That's clever" but then you realise how formulaic, samey and boring they all are. Maybe not quite as bad as Sudoku but getting there.
I don't think this is a line you should be pursuing on a Countdown forum. Formulaic, samey . . . ?
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin »

David Williams wrote: Sun Oct 30, 2022 12:05 am
Gavin Chipper wrote: Thu Oct 27, 2022 6:21 pm Cryptic crosswords (hello Dave Gorman in DC this week). You might hear one clue and think "That's clever" but then you realise how formulaic, samey and boring they all are. Maybe not quite as bad as Sudoku but getting there.
I don't think this is a line you should be pursuing on a Countdown forum. Formulaic, samey . . . ?
Formulaic and samey is pretty much how you could describe the entertainment industry.
Ffs, Strictly Come Dancing, Britain's Got talent, Love Island.
Most quizzes and gameshows
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper »

I think my reaction is partly because cryptic crosswords are seen as "highbrow" and perhaps more than what they really are.
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin »

Gavin Chipper wrote: Sun Oct 30, 2022 10:38 pm I think my reaction is partly because cryptic crosswords are seen as "highbrow" and perhaps more than what they really are.
I think with cryptic clues it depends on the compiler, I did the Evening Standard one and over the years go adept and could s finish 3 or 4 a month, then they changed the compiler and I was stuck and gave up.
I think he went on to do the clues in 321 😊
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Callum Todd »

Treadmills
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin »

Callum Todd wrote: Tue Nov 22, 2022 8:08 pm Treadmills
Useful for agoraphobics
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper »

On a similarish note to this, candy canes. Whatever next - chocolate wheelchairs? Peppermint zimmer frames? Salted caramel life-support machines?
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin »

Gavin Chipper wrote: Fri Dec 16, 2022 1:47 pm On a similarish note to this, candy canes. Whatever next - chocolate wheelchairs? Peppermint zimmer frames? Salted caramel life-support machines?
I would add sticks of rock to the list as it's horrible to eat
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Marc Meakin wrote: Tue Nov 22, 2022 9:23 pm
Callum Todd wrote: Tue Nov 22, 2022 8:08 pm Treadmills
Useful for agoraphobics
Forgot to respond at the time but fair point, I concede that for a minority of people in specific situations a treadmill might be their only feasible way of running.

Was reminded of this by the fact I've skipped the last two parkruns because of ice. If I had access to a treadmill at home I may have been tempted to use it over the past fortnight. But I still maintain that for most people in most conditions, satisfying the desire to run by driving to a gym then running on the spot while going nowhere is absolutely mental.
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin »

The whole get extra in for Christmas idea when the shops are only closed for 38 hours
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper »

The Boat Race.
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Post by Gavin Chipper »

Dark mode. I recently got a new laptop and everything defaulted to dark mode including things like Google and Notepad. I had to find the right thing in settings to get rid of it. It was fucking depressing. I know it's the cool hipster thing these days but it's also rubbish, so it's swings and roundabouts I suppose.
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Adam S Latchford »

Gavin Chipper wrote: Mon Jun 05, 2023 10:54 am Dark mode. I recently got a new laptop and everything defaulted to dark mode including things like Google and Notepad. I had to find the right thing in settings to get rid of it. It was fucking depressing. I know it's the cool hipster thing these days but it's also rubbish, so it's swings and roundabouts I suppose.
Dark Mode is elite. Thing's auto loading into light mode is sickening
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Dark mode is so much easier on the eyes.
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Re: Joke Items

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I find that things are usually too dark in dark mode.
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Post by Andres Sanchez »

For me I like a timed dark mode, where when it hits a certain time it goes from light to dark. Speaking of which, some pages don't do dark mode right which in those terms is an absolute joke
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Fiona T »

Ian Volante wrote: Mon Jun 05, 2023 11:53 am I find that things are usually too dark in dark mode.
Your forum pic is in dark mode :D
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Andres Sanchez »

You know speaking of forum pics, perhaps I should update mine...
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin »

The drink Prime or more specifically parents driving for miles to get their spoilt kids limited edition Black Prime.
Im sure it's Tick Tock related
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Re: Joke Items

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I've no idea what this is.
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Gavin Chipper wrote: Tue Jun 06, 2023 10:03 am I've no idea what this is.
I didnt until I saw a FB post from a neice who drove 30 miles to buy an energy drink that is an obsession with 10 year old apparently

https://www.insider.com/prime-ksi-logan ... -uk-2023-2
After some research
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Post by Adam Gillard »

Saw a bus stop today that had a digital display reading "Please refer to timetables".
Mike Brown: "Round 12: T N R S A E I G U

C1: SIGNATURE (18) ["9; not written down"]
C2: SEATING (7)
Score: 108–16 (max 113)

Another niner for Adam and yet another century. Well done, that man."
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper »

The Duke of Edinburgh Award.
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Post by Thomas Cappleman »

Gavin Chipper wrote: Tue Sep 12, 2023 10:21 am The Duke of Edinburgh Award.
Care to expand? As awards you can get when you're young go, seems reasonably on the non-joke side
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Post by Elliott Mellor »

Thomas Cappleman wrote: Tue Sep 12, 2023 10:38 am
Gavin Chipper wrote: Tue Sep 12, 2023 10:21 am The Duke of Edinburgh Award.
Care to expand? As awards you can get when you're young go, seems reasonably on the non-joke side
I'm on Gev's side with this one I think. At the very least, I think it's really overstated - it's packaged up as being this thing that looks incredible on your CV, but I really can't imagine many employers factoring it in to their decision as to whether they hire you or not. It also became more of an "opt-out" than an "opt-in" at my school, which further devalues the achievement because it's no longer a rare thing to have done.

It's become a victim of the "oversubscription effect", if you like - something is seen as being "highly valuable", so more people want to get in on it, which increases the number of candidates and thereby makes those who have the award less remarkable. It's akin to the amount of people attending university nowadays - it's no longer anywhere near as rare as it used to be, so it's no longer going to "stand out" to employers.
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Post by Gavin Chipper »

What Elliott says. It's just a CV / UCAS form thing, and it probably makes no difference in about 99.99% of cases.
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Is there no intrinsic value in the activities one would undertake to achieve the award?
Mike Brown: "Round 12: T N R S A E I G U

C1: SIGNATURE (18) ["9; not written down"]
C2: SEATING (7)
Score: 108–16 (max 113)

Another niner for Adam and yet another century. Well done, that man."
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin »

Are we including the Princes Trust in the same vein?
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper »

Adam Gillard wrote: Tue Sep 12, 2023 5:07 pm Is there no intrinsic value in the activities one would undertake to achieve the award?
Some of them sure. That doesn't mean you need a pointless award to go with them.
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Post by Elliott Mellor »

Adam Gillard wrote: Tue Sep 12, 2023 5:07 pm Is there no intrinsic value in the activities one would undertake to achieve the award?
Sure. Just like there's intrinsic value in the skills needed to master chess, solve a rubik's cube, or play a sport well. That's not up for contention. The point being made is it isn't anywhere near the "massive employability booster" that it's made out to be. I certainly don't think any of the people I know who did DofE could truthfully say that it helped them out in this field.

As an employer, I would be looking for people who could demonstrate commitment to learning skills beyond something that most people do just because their mates are doing it and they get told it's good on the CV.
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Post by Paul Worsley »

Hardly a "joke item" though.
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Post by Graeme Cole »

"Click and collect". What's the point of it? Who's using it?

There are two main ways to buy something. You could go to an actual bricks-and-mortar shop, and get it the same day but have the inconvenience of having to go all the way to the shop. Alternatively, you could order it from a website, and get it delivered right to your front door, but you have to wait a couple of days. Both are acceptable things with their pros and cons.

Click and collect? You want me to order my stuff on a website, then wait 24 hours, and then collect it from your shop? All you've done is mashed together the two normal ways of buying things and invented something which combines the disadvantages of both with the advantages of neither.
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Graeme Cole wrote: Tue Sep 12, 2023 11:56 pm "Click and collect". What's the point of it? Who's using it?

There are two main ways to buy something. You could go to an actual bricks-and-mortar shop, and get it the same day but have the inconvenience of having to go all the way to the shop. Alternatively, you could order it from a website, and get it delivered right to your front door, but you have to wait a couple of days. Both are acceptable things with their pros and cons.

Click and collect? You want me to order my stuff on a website, then wait 24 hours, and then collect it from your shop? All you've done is mashed together the two normal ways of buying things and invented something which combines the disadvantages of both with the advantages of neither.
In some limited cases it's useful, such as ordering clothes to pick up from a local M&S Food. Means you don't pay for delivery and you can pick up locally (assuming you don't have an M&S selling clothes nearby).
Mike Brown: "Round 12: T N R S A E I G U

C1: SIGNATURE (18) ["9; not written down"]
C2: SEATING (7)
Score: 108–16 (max 113)

Another niner for Adam and yet another century. Well done, that man."
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I've only ever used it when:
- I can cycle somewhere (or be somewhere I'm going to be anyway) and pick it up to prevent paying a delivery charge
- the click & collect time is super quick/instant such that you can get it in the same speed as just "going to the shop" but you can take advantage of a discount code and/or cashback ordering online that you can't in the shop

You reminded me, there's currently an Amazon promotion to get £4 off when spending £12 if you click and collect (though it says £5 in the T&C below). That'll be a reason to use it too.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/b?node=88775200031
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Matt Morrison wrote: Wed Sep 13, 2023 7:58 am I've only ever used it when:
- I can cycle somewhere (or be somewhere I'm going to be anyway) and pick it up to prevent paying a delivery charge
- the click & collect time is super quick/instant such that you can get it in the same speed as just "going to the shop" but you can take advantage of a discount code and/or cashback ordering online that you can't in the shop

You reminded me, there's currently an Amazon promotion to get £4 off when spending £12 if you click and collect (though it says £5 in the T&C below). That'll be a reason to use it too.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/b?node=88775200031
Having worked for John Lewis and Waitrose for nearly 10 years, I have seen the growth of click and collect and it probably works better in towns and cities, you pick your items up on the way from or to work no waiting in etc
Nowadays with Amazon and door bell camera systems it's less inconvenient to have stuff delivered but as with a lot of habitual things click and collect is still very popular and also from a retailers perspective, there is a chance people will buy stuff at the same time.
John Lewis, especially sell fat more stuff online than in store.
It is one of the reason my John Lewis Branch closed down was because Ashford branch sold 3 times as much online as instore.
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Post by Callum Todd »

I used Click & Collect a lot in lockdown when delivery spots were scarce or reserved for isolating households but I didn't want to go into crowded supermarkets.Since then I mostly either do a normal shop in person or get a home delivery, as Graeme suggested. It's worth noting thought that Click & Collect is normally cheaper than Home Delivery (which has an extra fee) and slots are often more readily available, so it has that going for it.

I still use Click & Collect for things like B&Q though. Those shops are massive and I don't know where anything is. When I need one odd item from there I have to check their website to see if they even have it anyway so while I'm there it makes sense to reserve it for instant collection when I arrive at the shop, rather than go there and spend 10 minutes trying to find it.
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Post by Ian Volante »

Graeme Cole wrote: Tue Sep 12, 2023 11:56 pm "Click and collect". What's the point of it? Who's using it?
I occasionally use it for DIY stuff when I'd otherwise probably spend half an hour searching for the right type of paint and the right size of screws.
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Socks.
Specifically the expectation for me to wear socks at work in the summer.
Probably because bending down is not good for me
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Probably gonna get some grief from wine snobs but corked wine bottles are a joke item.
Screw tops are fine though I do think wine in a box isnt nice
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Post by Gavin Chipper »

Marc Meakin wrote: Sat Sep 16, 2023 1:14 pm Socks.
Specifically the expectation for me to wear socks at work in the summer.
Probably because bending down is not good for me
People who don't wear socks.
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Post by Gavin Chipper »

Image
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Gavin Chipper wrote: Wed Oct 04, 2023 11:36 am Image
I never thought I would be wishing Priti Patel was still home secretary.
Imagine the uproar if a white man had come out with some of the racist bullshit she's spousing
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Post by Marc Meakin »

A bit niche but one time pass codes emailed to you when you are using your phone
Everytime I try to access my pension by the time I access the pass code the Web page has expired/error code 500.

So i have to use a works computer
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Flu Jabs.
Ive been having annual flu jabs since before covid and within 4 weeks I have always got the flu
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Post by Fiona T »

Airplane mode
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Fiona T wrote: Wed Nov 08, 2023 11:21 am Airplane mode
It is handy if you go on the continent and don't want unnecessary roaming charges but still want your phone for other things like downloads
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Gavin Chipper
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper »

Also if you have your phone in your room at night and don't want any WhatsApp notifications etc.

Also for playing games that have adverts. With some of them they still work but without adverts on.
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Ian Volante
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Ian Volante »

I think she means that it should be aeroplane mode.
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Fiona T
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Fiona T »

Ian Volante wrote: Wed Nov 08, 2023 12:56 pm I think she means that it should be aeroplane mode.
Well that too, but what I actually meant was the whole being asked to put it in airplane mode on an aeroplane. What's that about? 80% of people don't bother. If not doing so causes a real risk then they should be banned, not a polite announcement that everyone ignores. If it's not a risk then stop the nonsense!
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