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Posted: **Sat Oct 25, 2008 1:06 pm**

Hi! Does anybody have any super cool funny jokes they would like to share? If so, you can post them on this topic. I would be very grateful if you could.

Posted: **Sat Oct 25, 2008 1:50 pm**

I've got one, and Kai, I know you won't get this, but...

"What did the dog's master ask his dog because he knew his dog was a cannibal?"

"Are You Being Served?"

Posted: **Sat Oct 25, 2008 6:17 pm**

These are old jokes, Kai, but they sprung to mind after reading Jason's dog joke:

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Do-you-think-he-saw-us

What do you call a blind dinosaur's guide dog?

Do-you-think-he-saw-us Rex

apt for one meaning of dark-glasses wearing, anyway!

Posted: **Sat Oct 25, 2008 8:51 pm**

Very funny, Julie!

Posted: **Sat Oct 25, 2008 9:10 pm**

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was holding the first monkey's hand!

Why did the third monkey fall out of a tree?
Because he thought it was a game!

I would like to point out that the above jokes were typed by my 7 year old and in no way reflect the view of the managing parents!!

Posted: **Sun Oct 26, 2008 6:41 am**

These are the best jokes I have and to be honest they are bad jokes!

Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming that I'm a piece of litter.

Don't talk rubbish!

Where is the best place to weigh a pie?

"Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie"

Posted: **Sun Oct 26, 2008 4:44 pm**

Stewart, that reminds me of:

Where's the best place to weigh a whale?

At a Whaleweigh Station!

Posted: **Sun Oct 26, 2008 9:05 pm**

Great jokes, everyone!

Posted: **Sun Oct 26, 2008 10:00 pm**

I am impressed at how many examples there are of things failing on 4 counts here.

Posted: **Sun Oct 26, 2008 10:36 pm**

DebbiF wrote:Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was holding the first monkey's hand!

Why did the third monkey fall out of a tree?
Because he thought it was a game!

I would like to point out that the above jokes were typed by my 7 year old and in no way reflect the view of the managing parents!!

This is quite a funny joke. Does your son have any more?

Stewart Scott wrote:Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming that I'm a piece of litter.

Don't talk rubbish!

I like this one

Posted: **Sun Oct 26, 2008 11:19 pm**

How did the fairly new bottle of Pimm's wine taste?

Alexander Arm-strong!

Posted: **Mon Oct 27, 2008 7:14 am**

[

Joseph Bolas wrote:
DebbiF wrote:Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was holding the first monkey's hand!

Why did the third monkey fall out of a tree?
Because he thought it was a game!

I would like to point out that the above jokes were typed by my 7 year old and in no way reflect the view of the managing parents!!
This is quite a funny joke. Does your son have any more?

She's my daughter and she came up with this one

Why did the bubble gum cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!

(N.B - same parental disclaimer as before

)

Posted: **Mon Oct 27, 2008 8:51 am**

Penguin (P) goes into Newsagents (N) -

P - got any fish?
N - no, sorry, we sell papers

next day P goes in again

P - got any fish?
N - no, I told you we do not sell fish

same next day

P - got any fish?
N - NO. And if you ask me again, I'll nail your flipper to the wall

next day

P - got any nails?
N - no, we sell papers
P - got any fish?

Posted: **Mon Oct 27, 2008 9:19 am**

John Bosley wrote:Penguin (P) goes into Newsagents (N) -

P - got any fish?
N - no, sorry, we sell papers

next day P goes in again

P - got any fish?
N - no, I told you we do not sell fish

same next day

P - got any fish?
N - NO. And if you ask me again, I'll nail your flipper to the wall

next day

P - got any nails?
N - no, we sell papers
P - got any fish?

Posted: **Mon Oct 27, 2008 10:17 am**

An interviewer saw from the form in front of him that the name of the candidate sitting opposite him was 'Ghoti'.

"How exactly do you pronounce your name, Mr. ... um ...?" he asked.

"Fish," the man replied. "GH as in 'rough', O as in 'women' and TI as in 'station'.

Posted: **Mon Oct 27, 2008 1:12 pm**

Taxi driver gets stopped in Wigan,and is asked,"is there a B&Q in Wigan"?.Taxi driver says,"I don,t know but there is a W and G.
Man goes onto the beach and asks the bloke with the donkeys would he be able to hire one of them? "Of course" he replies "there is a small screw underneath".

Posted: **Wed Oct 29, 2008 7:50 pm**

Having witnessed what's gone before, I have no qualms about posting these:

Q: What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?
A: One's weasily identified and the other's stoatally different.

The main quality of that joke is it stands a small chance of being asked in a non-jocular context, and can hence be passed off as searing impromptu "wit"

Q: What's the difference between a magician and an experimental psychologist?
A: One pulls rabbits out of a hat, the other pulls habits out of a rat.

*Gets coat, hails taxi*

Posted: **Wed Oct 29, 2008 9:13 pm**

What, no Richard Herring or Stewart Lee material yet?

Posted: **Wed Oct 29, 2008 10:20 pm**

Gary Male wrote:What, no Richard Herring or Stewart Lee material yet?

...and then I got off the bus.

Posted: **Thu Oct 30, 2008 10:24 am**

^^These are comfortably the worst jokes ive heard in a long time.

What do you say to a fat man in a pub?
You're round.

Two paedofiles on a beach, one says 'Get out of my sun'.

Two drunks walk past Old Trafford.
'Is that Wembley?'
'No its Thursday'
'So am I, lets go to the pub'

Posted: **Thu Oct 30, 2008 11:29 am**

<WARNING! LAME JOKES ALERT!>

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens hadn't been invented!

Why did the dog cross the road? Because it was the chicken's day off!

Why did the monkey cross the road? Because there was a banana on the other side!

Why didn't the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn't chicken!

Posted: **Thu Oct 30, 2008 12:27 pm**

Question: In the Egyptian version of Neighbours, where do the residents live?
Answer: Rameses Street
(that's why I work in IT and I'm not in comedy).

Proper Joke from the comedian, Jimmy Carr:
A Scotsman, an Irish Man, and a Englishman walk into a Bar. The landlord says, "Is this some sort of joke?"

Posted: **Thu Oct 30, 2008 12:35 pm**

Why did Richard Brittain cross the road?

He absolutely positvely didn't: the photographs were faked. If you look closely at them you will see crosshairs evident but there are none on Richard's person in the photos implying that his image was super-imposed upon a pre-existing photo of a road crossing. Also, the silhouette is ridiculous, given the angle of the sun there is no way that his body could cast such a silhouette. I think we all know who is behind this lamentable forgery but if you don't, read Richard Brittain's, "The Truth", available at all good survivalist outlets now!

Posted: **Thu Oct 30, 2008 1:20 pm**

David O'Donnell wrote:Why did Richard Brittain cross the road?

He absolutely positvely didn't: the photographs were faked. If you look closely at them you will see crosshairs evident but there are none on Richard's person in the photos implying that his image was super-imposed upon a pre-existing photo of a road crossing. Also, the silhouette is ridiculous, given the angle of the sun there is no way that his body could cast such a silhouette. I think we all know who is behind this lamentable forgery but if you don't read Richard Brittain's, "The Truth", available at all good survivalist outlets now!

Doddy wins this thread.

Posted: **Thu Oct 30, 2008 3:15 pm**

Why did David O'Donnell cross the road?

Because he couldn't get his c*ck out of the back of the chicken.

Sorry mate

Posted: **Thu Oct 30, 2008 4:55 pm**

You're card is marked now, Kirkie

Posted: **Thu Oct 30, 2008 5:59 pm**

David O'Donnell wrote:You're card is marked now, Kirkie

Haha I needed to choose a person who I knew wouldn't take offence to it!

Posted: **Fri Oct 31, 2008 1:08 pm**

Kirk Bevins wrote:
David O'Donnell wrote:You're card is marked now, Kirkie
Haha I needed to choose a person who I knew wouldn't take offence to it!

Phew! For a minute there I thought you'd seen my website.

Posted: **Sat Nov 01, 2008 12:07 am**

Our sciene teacher's favourite:

and how do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her

Posted: **Sat Nov 01, 2008 6:54 am**

2 blokes at a bar

A - I've seen oil and tar on two shores.
B - What shores?
A - Gin and tonic, please.

Posted: **Sat Nov 01, 2008 6:25 pm**

Very funny.

Posted: **Sat Nov 01, 2008 9:25 pm**

Jimmy wrote:Our sciene teacher's favourite:

and how do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her

I don't find that funny, just offensive.

Posted: **Mon Nov 03, 2008 12:11 pm**

Jimmy wrote:Our sciene teacher's favourite:

and how do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her

That was my A-Level Science teacher's favourite joke as well!

Posted: **Mon Nov 03, 2008 1:27 pm**

Dinos Sfyris wrote:
Jimmy wrote:Our sciene teacher's favourite:

and how do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her
That was my A-Level Science teacher's favourite joke as well!

**Apologies to the easily offended**

My GCSE chemistry teacher's favourite (around the time Queen's lead singer's death):

What's more deadly than lead in your bloodstream?

Mercury up your arse.

Posted: **Tue Nov 04, 2008 12:01 am**

John Douglas wrote:An interviewer saw from the form in front of him that the name of the candidate sitting opposite him was 'Ghoti'.

"How exactly do you pronounce your name, Mr. ... um ...?" he asked.

"Fish," the man replied. "GH as in 'rough', O as in 'women' and TI as in 'station'.

When I went to school, the "gh" was as in "enough".

Paul Howe wrote:Q: What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?
A: One's weasily identified and the other's stoatally different.

Actually, it's weasily wecognised.

Matthew Green wrote:Two drunks walk past Old Trafford.
'Is that Wembley?'
'No its Thursday'
'So am I, lets go to the pub'

This reminds me of this one:
Three slightly deaf old ladies meet at a street corner.
"Windy, isn't it?"
"No, it's Thursday."
"So am I! Let's all go and have a cup of tea."

Posted: **Tue Nov 04, 2008 11:12 am**

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck its d**k.

Posted: **Tue Nov 04, 2008 1:51 pm**

Matthew Green wrote:How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck its d**k.

Posted: **Tue Nov 04, 2008 5:34 pm**

Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
It ran out of juice.

Why was the butcher angry?
Because the delivery boy sat on the mincer and got a little behind in his deliveries.

Why don't gypsies need condoms?
They have crystal balls so they can see it coming.

How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
It's not hard...

Posted: **Wed Nov 05, 2008 2:06 pm**

Jay S wrote:Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?
It ran out of juice.

Why was the butcher angry?
Because the delivery boy sat on the mincer and got a little behind in his deliveries.

Why don't gypsies need condoms?
They have crystal balls so they can see it coming.

How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
It's not hard...

And it all started off so pleasantly ... funny tho

Posted: **Wed Nov 05, 2008 2:08 pm**

Michael Simmonds wrote:
Jimmy wrote:Our sciene teacher's favourite:

and how do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her
I don't find that funny, just offensive.

You shouldn't have taken offence, just the gate.

Ok that was really really shit...

Posted: **Wed Nov 05, 2008 2:18 pm**

Jimmy wrote:
Michael Simmonds wrote:
Jimmy wrote:Our sciene teacher's favourite:

and how do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her
I don't find that funny, just offensive.
You shouldn't have taken offence, just the gate. Ok that was really really shit...

Plus, are you serious? How on earth is that offensive, it's a bit of wordplay?

Posted: **Wed Nov 05, 2008 2:28 pm**

Oh, I think this goes some way to explaining it:

Michael Simmonds wrote:
Oooh! Yes Please! Can we also burn/hang those 'fake' witches who come round on Halloween? As for slavery, its never been abolished at my house. In fact I have my own personal slave, shes called The Wife.

And I replied:

I don't find that funny, just offensive.

It's no big deal tho - arguments on the internet is another thing I'd put into room 101.

Posted: **Wed Nov 05, 2008 2:43 pm**

Jimmy wrote:Oh, I think this goes some way to explaining it:

I see. I just sourced that quote and found that Michael's son Lee wants to put me into Room 101. Wonder what that's all about?! Funny.

Posted: **Wed Nov 05, 2008 3:06 pm**

sorry

Posted: **Tue Nov 11, 2008 10:55 am**

My brother is a gynaecologist - he did want to be a brain surgeon but wasn't tall enough.

Posted: **Mon Dec 01, 2008 4:33 pm**

Any more cracka-lackin' jokes from anyone?

Posted: **Wed Dec 03, 2008 12:25 am**

These are, as far as I care, the two best jokes ever. They've been my top 2 for a very very very long time and don't look like budging any time soon:

Why can't Jews be Morris Dancers?
Because you have to be a complete prick to be a Morris Dancer

(and this one is much better spoken than typed:)
Why does Edward Woodward have 4 Ds in his name?
Because otherwise he'd be called Ewar Woowar

haha... just made myself laugh out loud (as in laugh out loud, not the neutered weak "lol" of the Internet) by simply typing that 2nd one!

Posted: **Wed Dec 03, 2008 12:36 am**

What do Jews have to do with pricking?

Posted: **Wed Dec 03, 2008 12:58 am**

Jason Larsen wrote:What do Jews have to do with pricking?

At no point in Matt's post did he use 'prick' as a verb, so the answer is: nothing of relevance.

Posted: **Wed Dec 03, 2008 1:01 am**

Matt Morrison wrote:(and this one is much better spoken than typed:)
Why does Edward Woodward have 4 Ds in his name?
Because otherwise he'd be called Ewar Woowar

It is indeed funnier when spoken, but it's only really funny in the voice of Joe Pasquale, who originated it.

An old favourite of mine (look away now if schoolboyish smut offends you):

Q. What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

A. You can beat an egg.

Posted: **Wed Dec 03, 2008 1:06 am**

Phil Reynolds wrote:It is indeed funnier when spoken, but it's only really funny in the voice of Joe Pasquale, who originated it.

Cheers for the info Phil, even though you've kind of spoiled the dream for me.
My uncle (you know, one of those naughty, cool uncles) taught me that one when I was about 12 or something and it's never left me for fifteen years - to learn it came from Joe Pasquale is a bit of a letdown as I'm not a Pasquale fan, but I'll try and blank that from my mind.

Oh, and thanks for backing me up on the Morris Dancer joke, saved me going back to check my grammar!

...kind of makes me feel bad for making an example out of you in the DOND thread that you're no doubt about to catch up on! Sorry!

Posted: **Wed Dec 03, 2008 2:13 am**

I don't understand humor sometimes, Phil.

Posted: **Wed Dec 03, 2008 11:34 am**

Jason Larsen wrote:I don't understand humor sometimes, Phil.

...or know how to spell it, evidently.

Posted: **Wed Dec 03, 2008 3:36 pm**

Phil, I'm American.

Now, I've got a good joke!

Where does an organ donor like to go swimming?

In a liver pool.

That was for you, Joseph! I thought you'd like it!

Posted: **Thu Mar 26, 2009 4:14 pm**

Jason Larsen wrote:Phil, I'm American.

Now, I've got a good joke!

Where does an organ donor like to go swimming?

In a liver pool.

Why is Jason actually Swedish not American?

Because he is Lar's son.

How do we know that Jason has 2 dads?

Because he is Jay's son and Lar's son

Posted: **Thu Mar 26, 2009 4:21 pm**

Ben Hunter wrote:
Gary Male wrote:What, no Richard Herring or Stewart Lee material yet?
...and then I got off the bus.

Good to hear Stew reviving the old "I was 28 years old" punchline on this week's Comedy Vehicle.

Posted: **Thu Mar 26, 2009 4:47 pm**

Phil Reynolds wrote:
Ben Hunter wrote:
Gary Male wrote:What, no Richard Herring or Stewart Lee material yet?
...and then I got off the bus.
Good to hear Stew reviving the old "I was 28 years old" punchline on this week's Comedy Vehicle.

He also reused the joke from Garth Marengi about Chris Moyles, saying "he's one of the few people who's written more books than he's read." The joke is probably older than both of them, come to think about it. Good programme though, I like him.

Posted: **Thu Mar 26, 2009 4:55 pm**

Charlie Reams wrote:
Phil Reynolds wrote:Good to hear [Stewart Lee] reviving the old "I was 28 years old" punchline on this week's Comedy Vehicle.
He also reused the joke from Garth Marengi about Chris Moyles, saying "he's one of the few people who's written more books than he's read." The joke is probably older than both of them, come to think about it. Good programme though, I like him.

Indeed, though I did begin to fear for his sanity during this week's extended rant about Del Boy falling through the bar. I've been a big fan of Lee & Herring (jointly and severally) since the old Fist of Fun days, and was in the studio audience for the last ever live broadcast of TMWRNJ. Saw Rich's new live show The Headmaster's Son the other week, and very good it was too.

Posted: **Thu Mar 26, 2009 5:09 pm**

Derek, I've learned something about you already!

You are very funny!

Posted: **Thu Mar 26, 2009 5:13 pm**

Phil Reynolds wrote:Indeed, though I did begin to fear for his sanity during this week's extended rant about Del Boy falling through the bar.

It's the extended, repetitive rants that put me off during this week's episode. They detracted from an otherwise quite clever routine.

You know what my trouble is, don't you? Moon on a stick...

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