c4countdown

Matt Morrison wrote:Just hope I haven't started a trend of people trying to protect themselves against cheesy jokes being made

I refer the right honourable gentleman to my post of half an hour ago.

Matt Morrison wrote: Just hope I haven't started a trend of people trying to protect themselves against cheesy jokes being made, Corby would be out of a job.

Surely you mean cheese sandwichy jokes. Oi oi!

(I was really hoping for a secret message warning against that joke. I guess I'm just too damn funny.)

Matt Morrison wrote:Just hope I haven't started a trend of people trying to protect themselves against cheesy jokes being made, Corby would be out of a job.

Nah, I've always got 'outrageous unprovoked abuse' to fall back on.

Oh, er, you cunt.

I fucking love you three. I wish I had more of a life right now, but as it is, you make my day.

Matt Morrison wrote:I fucking love you three. I wish I had more of a life right now, but as it is, you make my day.

I felt sure there was gonna be some hidden text after that...

I have been away for a few days and have only just caught up with this.

My main experience with a sandwich was an evening with Danny Stanford and his missus. It was going quite well but, and it may well have been because of the gloom, Danny touched me unexpectedly, and, I have to say, inappropiately, for the next thing I knew there was mayo everywhere. I had to leave hurriedly. I still see them occasionally in Asda and although we talk briefly, there is never eye-contact.

As far as this argument goes, if you make a sandwich a mile square and then cut it in half you have two sandwiches unless you wish to argue that a sandwich half-a-mile square is half a sandwich. Whenever you have a piece of bread covered by another piece of bread with more or less the same dimensions in your hand, that is a sandwich (filling is discretionary). Where the 'sandwich' originated from is irrelevant. So there.

Wait, are you trying to say that two pieces of bread laying on top of each is a sandwich? Even if there's nothing in the middle - so a sliced loaf is actually a load of sandwiches? I'm not sure what to make of that.

Chris Corby wrote:I have been away for a few days and have only just caught up with this.

My main experience with a sandwich was an evening with Danny Stanford and his missus. It was going quite well but, and it may well have been because of the gloom, Danny touched me unexpectedly, and, I have to say, inappropiately, for the next thing I knew there was mayo everywhere. I had to leave hurriedly. I still see them occasionally in Asda and although we talk briefly, there is never eye-contact.

IMHO, anyone who puts mayo in a sandwich deserves all they get.

Phil Reynolds wrote:(b) do you say "sand-witch" or "sand-widge"?

Neither... I say sam-widge (samwIdʒ) (I hope the pronunciation guide is correct, I really do!)

A friend tells me that the reason people cut sandwiches diagonally is so you can rest them on the hypotenuse and everyone can see easily what the filling is, without having to maul them with grubby fingers.

Kevin Thurlow wrote:A friend tells me that the reason people cut sandwiches diagonally is so you can rest them on the hypotenuse and everyone can see easily what the filling is, without having to maul them with grubby fingers.

It doesn't stop me

There are two of them

Phil Reynolds wrote:

I wrote:No wonder I can't get voiceover work.

Speaking of which, you will almost certainly recognise the voice of Peter Dickson, the bowler-hatted gentleman in this video, even if his face is unfamiliar.

Peter Dickson does voiceovers for many light entertainment shows. He bases his voice on the sadly now dead legendary voiceover man Patrick Allen (nuclear fallout public information etc.). Patrick did all the voice work on E4 and was also seen in-vision in a trailer shortly before his death. Peter took over his rôle and can now also be seen in-vision in a trailer which also features animation.

If either Patrick or Peter offered to make me a sandwich, and then returned with one slice of bread cut into a triangle, I would feel short-changed, despite all the pleasure both men have previously bought me with their jokey narrations.

Derek Hazell wrote:Peter Dickson does voiceovers for many light entertainment shows. He bases his voice on the sadly now dead legendary voiceover man Patrick Allen

Indeed. Those of us of a certain vintage still have fond memories of Patrick Allen stepping from a helicopter to extol the virtues of Barrett Homes.

Phil Reynolds wrote:

Derek Hazell wrote:Peter Dickson does voiceovers for many light entertainment shows. He bases his voice on the sadly now dead legendary voiceover man Patrick Allen

Indeed. Those of us of a certain vintage still have fond memories of Patrick Allen stepping from a helicopter to extol the virtues of Barrett Homes.

I suppose the equivalent for someone of my vintage would be the wonderful Tom Adams extolling the virtues of sofas. He was later replaced with people slicing sofas in half with chainsaws.

If you cut a sandwich with a chainsaw what would you end up with?

I voted 2 samwidges but wanted to vote 2 or 0 incase anyone cuts through the filling.

Surely if you cut your sandwich in half then you would get two sandwiches instead of two halves of a sandwich. It kind of all depends on how big you like to have your sandwiches. It is also like a piece of toast: when you cut it in half you get two pieces of toast, not two halves of a piece of toast. That's what I think anyway.

Pasted and copied, to avoid contamination of the 'Questions you've always wanting answered'

I've just read the whole of the Sandwich thread - Blimey!! I'm sticking with two slices of bread, regardless of how many times it's cut in half, being a 'round'. It works for everything. Even those triple pack, cos that's a round and a half. Sometimes my mum make my dad a sandwich for supper and offers me a quarter of his round, so I know exactly what I'm getting - which I wouldn't if mum said do you want one of dad's sandwiches.

I'm amazed at the fierce loyalty to the triangle sandwich and have had to conclude that, unlike me, people tend not to eat the crusts off first (eat not cut). For this, the complete (uncut) round or the half round rectangle (square if cutting a round into 4) is infinitely better, as a triangle sandwich is liable to spill contents from the pointy bits. But leaving the centre of the sandwich to eat til last is an infinitely more satisfying experience. Sometimes I take filling from one and put it in the one I'm going to eat last - to built up to the pleasure of 'extra yum'. I don't have OCD - but I do enjoy a sandwich. Oh, in answer to Phil's 'sand-witch' or sand-widge', I too plump for the rather lazy 'samwidge'. But I make up for my laziness by putting an unnecessary, time wasting 'p' in hamster.

Sue Sanders wrote:For this, the complete (uncut) round or the half round rectangle (square if cutting a round into 4) is infinitely better, as a triangle sandwich is liable to spill contents from the pointy bits. But leaving the centre of the sandwich to eat til last is an infinitely more satisfying experience. Sometimes I take filling from one and put it in the one I'm going to eat last - to built up to the pleasure of 'extra yum'.

I'm with you on all of that. I also like cutting a sandwich lengthways because the resulting pieces are then narrow enough to feed straight in.

I never imagined there could be any debate about what constitutes a sandwich / half a sandwich, etc. I'm sure most people, when asked to give a succinct definition of a sandwich, would say it is "two slices of bread with something in between". Therefore, if you cut it in half you get two halves.

I use the unvoiced ending, but it looks like I'm the only one here who pronounces the D. I was going to suggest that it's because, for most of my life, I've lived not far from the town of Sandwich and it sounds daft to pronounce its name any other way, but Sue's not far from there either so now I'm not so sure.

Alec Rivers wrote:I'm sure most people, when asked to give a succinct definition of a sandwich, would say it is "two slices of bread with something in between". Therefore, if you cut it in half you get two halves.

Reading the thread (or glancing at the poll atop this page if you can't be arsed to do that) will teach you not to make such assumptions. What do you get if you spread jam on a piece of bread and fold it in half?

Jon Corby wrote:

Alec Rivers wrote:I'm sure most people, when asked to give a succinct definition of a sandwich, would say it is "two slices of bread with something in between". Therefore, if you cut it in half you get two halves.

Reading the thread (or glancing at the poll atop this page if you can't be arsed to do that) will teach you not to make such assumptions. What do you get if you spread jam on a piece of bread and fold it in half?

I did read almost all of it, but I approached the problem from a different angle: Instead of picturing something that had already been made and trying to decide what to call it, I thought I'd start with the common definition and go from there. In practice, most people (me included) use loose, unscientific descriptions for everyday objects for the sake of brevity and simplicity. Nothing is gained by being more precise. But, once you start analysing something, I think it's good practice to start with any known constants and work from there. The only constant I could think of was the definition I gave. The rest is debatable but should at least be inferred from the opening premise. So, to answer your question about the single piece of bread: In everyday parlance I would call it a sandwich but, in a situation where it mattered, I'd say it is equivalent to half a sandwich.

Alec Rivers wrote:In everyday parlance I would call it a sandwich but, in a situation where it mattered, I'd say it is equivalent to half a sandwich.

Possibly the definititive solution to this indigestible conundrum.

Alec Rivers wrote:In everyday parlance I would call it a sandwich but, in a situation where it mattered, I'd say it is equivalent to half a sandwich.

Quite, although I'm struggling to visualise an example of "a situation where it mattered".

Supposing someone had a 500cl glass of milk and said, "I don't want all that - do you want half?", and you said yes, and they took a 250cl glass and poured half the milk into it. Have you now got a glass of milk, or half a glass of milk? The answer, of course, is: Both. And the answer to the sandwich question is clearly the same.

Phil Reynolds wrote:

Alec Rivers wrote:In everyday parlance I would call it a sandwich but, in a situation where it mattered, I'd say it is equivalent to half a sandwich.

Quite, although I'm struggling to visualise an example of "a situation where it mattered".

Example situations:

A) Medical circumstances where a doctor or nurse needs to record precise nutritional intake.
B) When you have a bastard of a father who shouts at you for getting the smallest, tiniest, minusculest thing wrong.
C) When conversing with a difficult teenager (the sort who'll leave their cutlery on the table after dinner when you've asked them to bring their plate to the kitchen. "Well, you said 'plate'. You didn't say 'and knife and fork'.)

Derek Hazell wrote:

Alec Rivers wrote:In everyday parlance I would call it a sandwich but, in a situation where it mattered, I'd say it is equivalent to half a sandwich.

Possibly the definititive solution to this indigestible conundrum.

Thanks, Derek. Loving the typo - mucho titties.

Alec Rivers wrote:B) When you have a bastard of a father who shouts at you for getting the smallest, tiniest, minusculest thing wrong.

Minisculest? Most miniscule, surely?

(hee hee)

Phil Reynolds wrote:[Have you now got a glass of milk, or half a glass of milk? The answer, of course, is: Both.

So you've ended up with one and a half glasses of milk? That was a pretty good bargain.

Alec Rivers wrote:

Jon Corby wrote:What do you get if you spread jam on a piece of bread and fold it in half?

So, to answer your question about the single piece of bread: In everyday parlance I would call it a sandwich but, in a situation where it mattered, I'd say it is equivalent to half a sandwich.

I'd say it's not even a sandwich! Where's the butter! More to the point, where's the Marmite

Jon Corby wrote:

Alec Rivers wrote:B) When you have a bastard of a father who shouts at you for getting the smallest, tiniest, minusculest thing wrong.

Minisculest? Most miniscule, surely?

(hee hee)

lol. I know you're joshing but I'll explain it anyway. As it was a heartfelt statement figuratively delivered through gritted teeth, I used some poetic licence.
And, er, two can play that game:

Jon Corby wrote:... if you can't be arsed ...

Arsed? 'If you can't be asked', surely?

Alec Rivers wrote:And, er, two can play that game:

Jon Corby wrote:... if you can't be arsed ...

Arsed? 'If you can't be asked', surely?

Except... no, I did mean 'arsed'

Jon Corby wrote:Most miniscule, surely?

I think not.

Kai Laddiman wrote:So you've ended up with one and a half glasses of milk? That was a pretty good bargain.

No, that was a bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk.

Alec Rivers wrote:

Jon Corby wrote:... if you can't be arsed ...

Arsed? 'If you can't be asked', surely?

Have you genuinely never heard the expression "I can't be arsed"?

Phil Reynolds wrote:

Alec Rivers wrote:

Jon Corby wrote:... if you can't be arsed ...

Arsed? 'If you can't be asked', surely?

Have you genuinely never heard the expression "I can't be arsed"?

I have often heard the expression "can't be asked" lazily mispronounced as "can't be arsed". Honestly, the original phrase was: I can't be asked to do (whatever), and it made sense.

Phil Reynolds wrote:

Jon Corby wrote:Most miniscule, surely?

I think not.

lol. I didn't even notice he'd misspelled it! I was only concentrating on my deliberate misuse of the superlative.

Alec Rivers wrote:I have often heard the expression "can't be asked" lazily mispronounced as "can't be arsed". Honestly, the original phrase was: I can't be asked to do (whatever)

Citation needed. I've never, ever heard or read the expression "I can't be asked" (in the sense of "I can't be bothered").

Collins English Dictionary Millennium Edition has the following entry:

arsed (ɑ:st) adj be arsed. Taboo slang. to be willing, inclined or prepared (esp. in the phrase can't be arsed).

No mention of "asked" in an equivalent sense.

Alec Rivers wrote:I use the unvoiced ending, but it looks like I'm the only one here who pronounces the D. I was going to suggest that it's because, for most of my life, I've lived not far from the town of Sandwich and it sounds daft to pronounce its name any other way, but Sue's not far from there either so now I'm not so sure.

In the four years I went to school there, I'm pretty sure I only ever heard people say something like 'Sand-witch', with no audible dg or similar sounds.

So I suppose if I'm saying that, the chances must be that Alec's and my paths didn't cross.

When speaking, I'm not sure what we actually do to make the difference in sound between tch and dg. It's quite a subtle thing. I'm sitting here speaking out loud alternating between rich and ridge, and they certainly sound and feel different, but I can't quite work out why. One (ridge) seems to involve making a voice noise which the other doesn't.

But hang on - doesn't that mean that Sand Widge is voiced and Sand Witch unvoiced?

All of which isn't half as much fun as the main topic. I'd vote for both as clearly both can be right. But that's not an option. So if I have to choose I go for the second option. The original - definitive - sandwich having been cut in half, it clearly now exists as two halves of what it was. While I agree the result is two sandwiches, these sandwiches are not the same creature as the original was, despite their confusingly similar name.

Phil Reynolds wrote:

Alec Rivers wrote:I have often heard the expression "can't be asked" lazily mispronounced as "can't be arsed". Honestly, the original phrase was: I can't be asked to do (whatever)

Citation needed. I've never, ever heard or read the expression "I can't be asked" (in the sense of "I can't be bothered").

Collins English Dictionary Millennium Edition has the following entry:

arsed (ɑ:st) adj be arsed. Taboo slang. to be willing, inclined or prepared (esp. in the phrase can't be arsed).

No mention of "asked" in an equivalent sense.

The alternative to 'can't be asked' is surely, the somewhat irritating 'can't be arksed'

Richard Adams wrote:In the four years I went to school there, I'm pretty sure I only ever heard people say something like 'Sand-witch', with no audible dg or similar sounds.

So I suppose if I'm saying that, the chances must be that Alec's and my paths didn't cross.

You misunderstood me. The ending I use is pronounced like ITCH. The 'D' I was referring to is in the middle of the word. I say SAND-WITCH, not SAN-WITCH or SAM-WITCH.

My former husband always endearingly referred to his daily weekday lunch as his 'sandwiches' - but in reality it was four slices of brown bread and margarine. Other than the very odd occasion when I was able to tempt him with something like turkey slices, he wouldn't have a filling.

And he didn't eat fry-ups. That's just WRONG isn't it?

Nice one, Matt.

Alec Rivers wrote:

Phil Reynolds wrote:

Jon Corby wrote:Most miniscule, surely?

I think not.

lol. I didn't even notice he'd misspelled it! I was only concentrating on my deliberate misuse of the superlative.

Yeah, I er... did that deliberately, as...um...part of the joke. About getting things wrong. See?

Sue Sanders wrote:the somewhat irritating 'can't be arksed'

Racist

Alec Rivers wrote:

Phil Reynolds wrote:

Jon Corby wrote:Most miniscule, surely?

I think not.

lol. I didn't even notice he'd misspelled it! I was only concentrating on my deliberate misuse of the superlative.

http://www.barnsdle.demon.co.uk/spell/mini.html

Jon Corby wrote:

Sue Sanders wrote:the somewhat irritating 'can't be arksed'

Racist

Hope you're joking. But, listen out for it. It's spread to kids who couldn't claim it to be part of their culture.

I'm with Ben on the 'haitch' thing too - especially now it's crept onto telly and radio.

Oops - crossthreading going on. SAY SOMETHING ABOUT SANDWICHES, SOMEONE!

Derek Hazell wrote:http://www.barnsdle.demon.co.uk/spell/mini.html

Well, how disappointing to see dictionary writers using weasel words and failing to provide any citations or other evidence to support their claims. I read often but I don't recall ever having seen the so-called variant spelling in any quality publication, so I'm loathe to believe it is prevalent.

Jon Corby wrote:Yeah, I er... did that deliberately, as...um...part of the joke. About getting things wrong. See?

Okay, then.

Alec Rivers wrote:I'm loathe to believe it is prevalent.

You meant loath of course.

Phil Reynolds wrote:

Alec Rivers wrote:I'm loathe to believe it is prevalent.

You meant loath of course.

Oh, drat. Yup.

Sue Sanders wrote:

Jon Corby wrote:

Sue Sanders wrote:the somewhat irritating 'can't be arksed'

Racist

Hope you're joking. But, listen out for it. It's spread to kids who couldn't claim it to be part of their culture.

Oops - crossthreading going on. SAY SOMETHING ABOUT SANDWICHES, SOMEONE!

I'm with you there - kids who've never set foot outside Britain who are whiter than me (and I'm ginger ), and parents with distinctly middle-class accents, who either can't read or think they're rappers. I arks you!

Back to sandwiches - by the time you're doing a kid's party and you've cut the bleeders into a million train shapes etc., you really couldn't care how many there are apart from too sodding many. I blame Annabel Karmel

It could be you want to do a kids' party rather than a kid's party - to ensure more than one guest to eat the sandwiches? I hope you're not forgetting to do halved bridge roll boats with coctail stick and lettuce leaf sails. Are you ?

Lesley Hines wrote:I'm with you there - kids who've never set foot outside Britain who are whiter than me (and I'm ginger ), and parents with distinctly middle-class accents, who either can't read or think they're rappers.

Would you object to a black pianist playing Chopin?

Sue Sanders wrote:It could be you want to do a kids' party rather than a kid's party - to ensure more than one guest to eat the sandwiches? I hope you're not forgetting to do halved bridge roll boats with coctail stick and lettuce leaf sails. Are you ?

I actually mean a party for my kid but you're right, it could be either Haha great suggestion but I'll have to do it when his 6yo cousin's finally sent away to an approved school - till then they're getting nothing sharper than jelly

Charlie Reams wrote:

Lesley Hines wrote:I'm with you there - kids who've never set foot outside Britain who are whiter than me (and I'm ginger ), and parents with distinctly middle-class accents, who either can't read or think they're rappers.

Would you object to a black pianist playing Chopin?

Not if they pronounced it right I'd prefer Rachmaninov, though

Lesley Hines wrote:

Sue Sanders wrote:It could be you want to do a kids' party rather than a kid's party - to ensure more than one guest to eat the sandwiches? I hope you're not forgetting to do halved bridge roll boats with cocktail stick and lettuce leaf sails. Are you ?

I actually mean a party for my kid but you're right, it could be either Haha great suggestion but I'll have to do it when his 6yo cousin's finally sent away to an approved school - till then they're getting nothing sharper than jelly

Ah, a lifestyle choice I'm so glad I opted out of (well, sort of). I don't know if I'd tolerate my own child let alone a houseful of other random brats.

There's a charity shop in Whitstable called The Kent Kid's Charity . I often wonder if the strain of having a whole town's worth of 'dream come true' experiences thrust upon this one hapless kid might bring about its untimely demise
( )

Charlie Reams wrote:

Lesley Hines wrote:I'm with you there - kids who've never set foot outside Britain who are whiter than me (and I'm ginger ), and parents with distinctly middle-class accents, who either can't read or think they're rappers.

Would you object to a black pianist playing Chopin?

No - she's clearly being bigotted against dumb-arsed white kid rappers, which is entirely acceptable !!!!!

Sue Sanders wrote:No - she's clearly being bigotted against dumb-arsed white kid rappers, which is entirely acceptable !!!!!

I was bigotted against yo momma once.


Oh no, that was just big.

Sue Sanders wrote:No - she's clearly being bigotted against dumb-arsed white kid rappers, which is entirely acceptable !!!!!

Perfectly happy with rappers, all regional accents, all cultural, national and international variations, etc. I'll concede to being bigotted about affectations, though

Edit - missed the dumb-arsed. Tbf though that applies across the board...

SANDWICHES - PLEASE!!

Lesley Hines wrote:SANDWICHES - PLEASE!!

Wrapped or open?