Trade Secrets
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Trade Secrets
Share your useful tips for anything here. They don't have to be trade-related.
I'll start: don't use cotton buds for cleaning your ears. They are useless. Use Bic pen lids. They're sturdy so you can scrape all the wax off the ear walls, or whatever you call it, they won't fall off, they go in the perfect depth (for me) before it starts getting uncomfortable, and they're cheap as hell.
Over to you.
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Re: Trade Secrets
You can also wash them afterwards and reuse unlike cotton buds.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Most people open bananas from the end that looks like a tab. This squashes the top of the banana, leaves you with a small bit of banana stuck in the other end, and often doesn't split the skin neatly. It's much easier to open the other end. This is what monkeys usually do, and they wrote the book on banana eating (presumably using an infinite number of typewriters).
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Re: Trade Secrets
You just give it a little squeeze.Charlie Reams wrote:Most people open bananas from the end that looks like a tab. This squashes the top of the banana, leaves you with a small bit of banana stuck in the other end, and often doesn't split the skin neatly. It's much easier to open the other end. This is what monkeys usually do, and they wrote the book on banana eating (presumably using an infinite number of typewriters).
It is quite satisfying, and when someone first showed me I was very impressed and promised to always open my bananas this way forever.
But then you get the little crappy bit of banana end at the top rather than the bottom. I used this method about three times (entirely just to impress other people) and then went back to the normal method.
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Re: Trade Secrets
If you have a sharp thumb nail you can make a small incision in the 'tab' end and then it breaks open very neatly without squashing any of the banana.Charlie Reams wrote:Most people open bananas from the end that looks like a tab. This squashes the top of the banana, leaves you with a small bit of banana stuck in the other end, and often doesn't split the skin neatly. It's much easier to open the other end. This is what monkeys usually do, and they wrote the book on banana eating (presumably using an infinite number of typewriters).
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Re: Trade Secrets
PRORATES and INTONERS can take any vowel
Re: Trade Secrets
Exactly what Matt says here.Matt Morrison wrote:You just give it a little squeeze.Charlie Reams wrote:Most people open bananas from the end that looks like a tab. This squashes the top of the banana, leaves you with a small bit of banana stuck in the other end, and often doesn't split the skin neatly. It's much easier to open the other end. This is what monkeys usually do, and they wrote the book on banana eating (presumably using an infinite number of typewriters).
It is quite satisfying, and when someone first showed me I was very impressed and promised to always open my bananas this way forever.
But then you get the little crappy bit of banana end at the top rather than the bottom. I used this method about three times (entirely just to impress other people) and then went back to the normal method.
Also, Dr Phil says you shouldn't put anything smaller than your elbow into your ear.
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Re: Trade Secrets
So my penis is ok?Jon Corby wrote:Also, Dr Phil says you shouldn't put anything smaller than your elbow into your ear.
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Re: Trade Secrets
You can fit your elbow in your penis?Michael Wallace wrote:So my penis is ok?Jon Corby wrote:Also, Dr Phil says you shouldn't put anything smaller than your elbow into your ear.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Let's put it this way: don't get me too drunk at Co:Lon.Matt Morrison wrote:You can fit your elbow in your penis?Michael Wallace wrote:So my penis is ok?Jon Corby wrote:Also, Dr Phil says you shouldn't put anything smaller than your elbow into your ear.
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Re: Trade Secrets
You can fit your elbow in your Co:Lon?
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Re: Trade Secrets
That's disgusting.Andy Wilson wrote:You can fit your elbow in your Co:Lon?
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Re: Trade Secrets
There are little bolts underneath pedestrian crossing boxes that spin around when the green man appears. Put your hand underneath one and marvel at one of life's biggest easter eggs.
RE: bananas. People are always impressed when I show them that banana secret.
RE: bananas. People are always impressed when I show them that banana secret.
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Re: Trade Secrets
The French expression for window shopping is "faire de la lèche-vitrine", which translates literally into English as window licking.
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Re: Trade Secrets
If you come up to temporary traffic lights on red, flash your lights and they will change. My son works for a company that hires them out, and he says this is a complete fallacy. But he would, wouldn't he? It always works for me. Eventually.
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Re: Trade Secrets
I love this, but it only works (round here anyway) where there are multiple sets of lights. It's so blind people can differentiate between lots of sets.Ben Hunter wrote:There are little bolts underneath pedestrian crossing boxes that spin around when the green man appears. Put your hand underneath one and marvel at one of life's biggest easter eggs.
To get perfect crispy bacon every time, put your grill on high, but put your grill pan as low as it can go, not on the little rails designed for it. Your meat will be juicy and the fat will be crisp.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Oh gods, this isn't going to turn into the equivalent of one of those columns in Take a Break or equivalent? I may have to kill you all if that's the case.
meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles
Re: Trade Secrets
If you get locked out of your flat, try not to get locked out of your flat.
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Re: Trade Secrets
To avoid miserable stories about people dying and utterly banal stories about people's grandchildren, don't read Take a Break.Ian Volante wrote:Oh gods, this isn't going to turn into the equivalent of one of those columns in Take a Break or equivalent? I may have to kill you all if that's the case.
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Re: Trade Secrets
When you got to the hairdresser's, take your own book with you so that you aren't forced to read Take A Break.Lesley Hines wrote:To avoid miserable stories about people dying and utterly banal stories about people's grandchildren, don't read Take a Break.Ian Volante wrote:Oh gods, this isn't going to turn into the equivalent of one of those columns in Take a Break or equivalent? I may have to kill you all if that's the case.
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Re: Trade Secrets
It's tips of the ilk of "empty old teabags and fill them with pot pourri to make handy and cheap thingies to sit around the place" that amuse/infuriate me. Mind you, this sort of thing inspired Viz, so it's not all bad:Lesley Hines wrote:To avoid miserable stories about people dying and utterly banal stories about people's grandchildren, don't read Take a Break.Ian Volante wrote:Oh gods, this isn't going to turn into the equivalent of one of those columns in Take a Break or equivalent? I may have to kill you all if that's the case.
"SAVE ELECTRICITY by shortening the cables to all your household electric appliances."
Then again, http://www.takeaweirdbreak.com/
meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles meles
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Re: Trade Secrets
I once saw, in the middle of a list of genuine tips, the suggestion that you could save the trouble of blown fuses by replacing them with chicken wire. The reader claimed that this survived even the time that his washing machine went on fire.Ian Volante wrote:Mind you, this sort of thing inspired Viz, so it's not all bad:
"SAVE ELECTRICITY by shortening the cables to all your household electric appliances."[/url]
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Re: Trade Secrets
Thats fucking hilariousDavid Williams wrote:I once saw, in the middle of a list of genuine tips, the suggestion that you could save the trouble of blown fuses by replacing them with chicken wire. The reader claimed that this survived even the time that his washing machine went on fire.Ian Volante wrote:Mind you, this sort of thing inspired Viz, so it's not all bad:
"SAVE ELECTRICITY by shortening the cables to all your household electric appliances."[/url]
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Re: Trade Secrets
You're not the only one who uses them.Jon O'Neill wrote:I'll start: don't use cotton buds for cleaning your ears. They are useless. Use Bic pen lids. They're sturdy so you can scrape all the wax off the ear walls, or whatever you call it, they won't fall off, they go in the perfect depth (for me) before it starts getting uncomfortable, and they're cheap as hell.
Over to you.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Yes, let's be absolutely clear about this. The bit at the normal bottom end of the banana is shit, and I wouldn't want that to be the starting point. Bananas are generally really easy to open the normal way. Only very rarely are they a problem so it's not worth having the shit bit at the top for this marginal gain in other areas.Matt Morrison wrote:It is quite satisfying, and when someone first showed me I was very impressed and promised to always open my bananas this way forever.
But then you get the little crappy bit of banana end at the top rather than the bottom. I used this method about three times (entirely just to impress other people) and then went back to the normal method.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Paul Howe opens his bananas at the side. Fact.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Prior art.Jon O'Neill wrote:don't use cotton buds for cleaning your ears. They are useless. Use Bic pen lids.
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Re: Trade Secrets
That reminded me of the time I was being harrased by a Financial Consultant trying a hard sell.Charlie Reams wrote:Prior art.Jon O'Neill wrote:don't use cotton buds for cleaning your ears. They are useless. Use Bic pen lids.
I asked for his business card, and used it to pick my teeth before giving it back to him.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Marc... did that actually happen? I want to hug you right now.
The bic biro thing was discussed on QI a year or three back, with an 'ear scoop' being shown, and Phil Jupitus butting in and saying, don't bother buying one of them and referring to how it was just like a bic lid. Anyway, before I saw that episode I must confess I have been a bic lid ear scooper and still am. One of these days though one of us is gonna damage our ears in a freak de waxing accident!
Moving on, the red plastic things on the lids of Grolsch bottles make good guitar strap locks. Squeez the hole in the middle over the nut after your strap is in place to avoid it falling off if you suddenly decide you're Jimi Hendrix. While we're on about guitars, if you don't have a wire cutters/winders and don't want the end of your strings dangling annoyingly off the headstock after you've replaced them, grab a pound coin and using your thumb and your index finger, press the coin against the string, close to the machine head, and drag it in one swift smooth movement over the excess string. It should coil back into itself perfectly once you get the knack.
The bic biro thing was discussed on QI a year or three back, with an 'ear scoop' being shown, and Phil Jupitus butting in and saying, don't bother buying one of them and referring to how it was just like a bic lid. Anyway, before I saw that episode I must confess I have been a bic lid ear scooper and still am. One of these days though one of us is gonna damage our ears in a freak de waxing accident!
Moving on, the red plastic things on the lids of Grolsch bottles make good guitar strap locks. Squeez the hole in the middle over the nut after your strap is in place to avoid it falling off if you suddenly decide you're Jimi Hendrix. While we're on about guitars, if you don't have a wire cutters/winders and don't want the end of your strings dangling annoyingly off the headstock after you've replaced them, grab a pound coin and using your thumb and your index finger, press the coin against the string, close to the machine head, and drag it in one swift smooth movement over the excess string. It should coil back into itself perfectly once you get the knack.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Yes it did, although he was also my flatmate at the time. (not for long, afterwards though)Andy Wilson wrote:Marc... did that actually happen? I want to hug you right now.
The bic biro thing was discussed on QI a year or three back, with an 'ear scoop' being shown, and Phil Jupitus butting in and saying, don't bother buying one of them and referring to how it was just like a bic lid. Anyway, before I saw that episode I must confess I have been a bic lid ear scooper and still am. One of these days though one of us is gonna damage our ears in a freak de waxing accident!
Moving on, the red plastic things on the lids of Grolsch bottles make good guitar strap locks. Squeez the hole in the middle over the nut after your strap is in place to avoid it falling off if you suddenly decide you're Jimi Hendrix. While we're on about guitars, if you don't have a wire cutters/winders and don't want the end of your strings dangling annoyingly off the headstock after you've replaced them, grab a pound coin and using your thumb and your index finger, press the coin against the string, close to the machine head, and drag it in one swift smooth movement over the excess string. It should coil back into itself perfectly once you get the knack.
GR MSL GNDT MSS NGVWL SRND NNLYC NNCT
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Re: Trade Secrets
sorry. Error
Last edited by Ralph Gillions on Wed Jun 30, 2010 4:47 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Trade Secrets
If someone insults you, however viciously, on a gameshow forum, it helps if you don't take it too personally. You fucking cunts.
If I suddenly have a squirming baby on my lap it probably means that I should start paying it some attention and stop wasting my time messing around on a Countdown forum
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Re: Trade Secrets
I'm intrigued as to what you said originally.Ralph Gillions wrote:sorry. Error
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Re: Trade Secrets
Nothing world-shattering Marc.Marc Meakin wrote:I'm intrigued as to what you said originally.Ralph Gillions wrote:sorry. Error
I actually duplicated a link to the YouTube clip about bananas.
By the time I realised what I'd done there was a new post after it so I couldn't delete it - so I changed it.
Sorry to disappoint.
(I'll try to offer something more intriguing in future.)
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Re: Trade Secrets
Someone in my office has just pointed out that the bananas in Mario Kart reflect the correct opening system:
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Re: Trade Secrets
Someone really should make a 'c4countdowncart'. Paul Howe can throw bananas opened from the side, Kirkie can throw darts, Corby can throw insults and Jono can throw squirming penises from his lap.Heather Badcock wrote:Someone in my office has just pointed out that the bananas in Mario Kart reflect the correct opening system:
Re: Trade Secrets
And at that last thought, I think I may throw up.Ben Wilson wrote:Someone really should make a 'c4countdowncart'. Paul Howe can throw bananas opened from the side, Kirkie can throw darts, Corby can throw insults and Jono can throw squirming penises from his lap.
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Re: Trade Secrets
If you cover a banana in paraffin, throw it at a car's fuel tank, and make sure it was accurate, you can make a banana bomb. I have killed seven badgers using this method. Lots of badgers on mopeds go around in my village.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Makes perfect sense to meKaren Pearson wrote:If you have a sharp thumb nail you can make a small incision in the 'tab' end and then it breaks open very neatly without squashing any of the banana.
cigarette ash is great for getting hair dye off areas of skin it wasn't intended for
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Re: Trade Secrets
Going through temporary traffic lights when they are on red and sticking anything at all in your ears are both equally dangerous, but neither are illegal.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Didn't quite catch that - can you say that again?John Bosley wrote:Going through temporary traffic lights when they are on red and sticking anything at all in your ears are both equally dangerous, but neither are illegal.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Gavin Chipper wrote:Didn't quite catch that - can you say that again?John Bosley wrote:Going through temporary traffic lights when they are on red and sticking anything at all in your ears are both equally dangerous, but neither are illegal.
Going through temporary traffic lights when they are on red and sticking anything at all in your ears are both equally dangerous, but neither are illegal.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Sticking anything in your ears isn't illegal, but going through red temporary traffic lights is. (Law changed in 1994.) If you get nicked for it, you do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention, when questioned, something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence. "I read it on the Countdown forum" is not an acceptable defence.John Bosley wrote:Gavin Chipper wrote:Didn't quite catch that - can you say that again?John Bosley wrote:Going through temporary traffic lights when they are on red and sticking anything at all in your ears are both equally dangerous, but neither are illegal.
Going through temporary traffic lights when they are on red and sticking anything at all in your ears are both equally dangerous, but neither are illegal.
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Re: Trade Secrets
To pass the time I like to play a little game involving a woodlouse. So find yourself a woodlouse, a healthy-sized one, and tip it onto it's back then time how long it takes for it to get back onto it's front. Then try and beat that time by adjusting how you position it on it's back. The aim of the game is to get the longest time.
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Re: Trade Secrets
To misquote Mrs Beeton, "first catch your woodlouse". Do you live in a damp basement?Ryan Taylor wrote:To pass the time I like to play a little game involving a woodlouse. So find yourself a woodlouse, a healthy-sized one, and tip it onto it's back then time how long it takes for it to get back onto it's front. Then try and beat that time by adjusting how you position it on it's back. The aim of the game is to get the longest time.
On a smaller scale, our cat used to like playing with silverfish - just batting them gently around and waiting until they got back on track before batting them again. The game worked well with ants, but silverfish just refused to play.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Student house. Woodlice are some of the tamer things found on the floor and the game wouldn't really work with slugs.Rosemary Roberts wrote:To misquote Mrs Beeton, "first catch your woodlouse". Do you live in a damp basement?Ryan Taylor wrote:To pass the time I like to play a little game involving a woodlouse. So find yourself a woodlouse, a healthy-sized one, and tip it onto it's back then time how long it takes for it to get back onto it's front. Then try and beat that time by adjusting how you position it on it's back. The aim of the game is to get the longest time.
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Re: Trade Secrets
It might be interesting to see how good fleas and bedbugs are at turning over. The problem would be putting them upside down without letting them escape. Sooner you than me on that one.Ryan Taylor wrote: Student house. Woodlice are some of the tamer things found on the floor and the game wouldn't really work with slugs.
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Re: Trade Secrets
This is amazing, it needs its own thread. Seriously.Ryan Taylor wrote:To pass the time I like to play a little game involving a woodlouse. So find yourself a woodlouse, a healthy-sized one, and tip it onto it's back then time how long it takes for it to get back onto it's front. Then try and beat that time by adjusting how you position it on it's back. The aim of the game is to get the longest time.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Perhaps a whole forum: leagues, variants,...Charlie Reams wrote:This is amazing, it needs its own thread. Seriously.Ryan Taylor wrote:To pass the time I like to play a little game involving a woodlouse. So find yourself a woodlouse, a healthy-sized one, and tip it onto it's back then time how long it takes for it to get back onto it's front. Then try and beat that time by adjusting how you position it on it's back. The aim of the game is to get the longest time.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Not forgetting a Sanctum for the best people.Rosemary Roberts wrote:Perhaps a whole forum: leagues, variants,...Charlie Reams wrote:This is amazing, it needs its own thread. Seriously.Ryan Taylor wrote:To pass the time I like to play a little game involving a woodlouse. So find yourself a woodlouse, a healthy-sized one, and tip it onto it's back then time how long it takes for it to get back onto it's front. Then try and beat that time by adjusting how you position it on it's back. The aim of the game is to get the longest time.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Mmmm...well it's different, but...it's not a hen.Gavin Chipper wrote:Not forgetting a Sanctum for the best people.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Thanks for this Lesley:-
Sticking anything in your ears isn't illegal, but going through red temporary traffic lights is. (Law changed in 1994.) If you get nicked for it, you do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention, when questioned, something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence. "I read it on the Countdown forum" is not an acceptable defence.
I must stop doing it right now.
Sticking anything in your ears isn't illegal, but going through red temporary traffic lights is. (Law changed in 1994.) If you get nicked for it, you do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention, when questioned, something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence. "I read it on the Countdown forum" is not an acceptable defence.
I must stop doing it right now.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Lordy! Please don't be typing on the forum and driving at the same time: that's worse than going through red lights when there's nothing there!John Bosley wrote:Thanks for this Lesley:-
Sticking anything in your ears isn't illegal, but going through red temporary traffic lights is. (Law changed in 1994.) If you get nicked for it, you do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention, when questioned, something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence. "I read it on the Countdown forum" is not an acceptable defence.
I must stop doing it right now.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Ok - this is an Ewwwwwwwwwwww one, but it's quite interesting. (At least if you live in more rural parts of the country, otherwise it's just ew.)
Incest is only incest if it can produce offspring. Therefore it's illegal for Grandad to be banging (adult and consenting) granddaughter, but perfectly legal for Granny to be playing hide-the-sausage with (adult and consenting) grandson, on the basis that it's assumed that Grandma can't get pregnant.
Do not try this at home. This should only be done by professional pikeys. No pikeys were harmed in the writing of this post.
Incest is only incest if it can produce offspring. Therefore it's illegal for Grandad to be banging (adult and consenting) granddaughter, but perfectly legal for Granny to be playing hide-the-sausage with (adult and consenting) grandson, on the basis that it's assumed that Grandma can't get pregnant.
Do not try this at home. This should only be done by professional pikeys. No pikeys were harmed in the writing of this post.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Seems reasonable to me - what harm could it do. But what if Grandad has had the snip? And has a certificate to prove it. I find that even more Ewwwwwwwwwwww.Lesley Hines wrote:Ok - this is an Ewwwwwwwwwwww one, but it's quite interesting. (At least if you live in more rural parts of the country, otherwise it's just ew.)
Incest is only incest if it can produce offspring. Therefore it's illegal for Grandad to be banging (adult and consenting) granddaughter, but perfectly legal for Granny to be playing hide-the-sausage with (adult and consenting) grandson, on the basis that it's assumed that Grandma can't get pregnant.
Do not try this at home. This should only be done by professional pikeys. No pikeys were harmed in the writing of this post.
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Re: Trade Secrets
As far as I can tell, this isn't right.
Incest still exists in Scotland: in this country, 'sex with an adult relative' is the new name for this offence, which is contrary to s.64 Sexual Offences Act 2003.
In neither case is impotence, castration, lack of fertility etc a valid defence.
Sorry, Granny. The sausage will have to be hidden somewhere else.
Incest still exists in Scotland: in this country, 'sex with an adult relative' is the new name for this offence, which is contrary to s.64 Sexual Offences Act 2003.
In neither case is impotence, castration, lack of fertility etc a valid defence.
Sorry, Granny. The sausage will have to be hidden somewhere else.
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Re: Trade Secrets
That seems an odd wording to choose. The guiltier of the parties is normally considered to be the older one, so surely the offence should be "sex with a juvenile relative". The juvenile doesn't usually get much choice.Richard Adams wrote:As far as I can tell, this isn't right.
Incest still exists in Scotland: in this country, 'sex with an adult relative' is the new name for this offence, which is contrary to s.64 Sexual Offences Act 2003.
In neither case is impotence, castration, lack of fertility etc a valid defence.
Sorry, Granny. The sausage will have to be hidden somewhere else.
But where both parties are equally mature and equally willing I don't see the need for an offence at all.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Jesus, stop worrying about the law and start tormenting some woodlice.
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Re: Trade Secrets
I think on balance I prefer hiding sausages.Ryan Taylor wrote:Jesus, stop worrying about the law and start tormenting some woodlice.
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Re: Trade Secrets
Juvenile? That's another pan of sausages altogether.
Lesley's grandson and granddaughter were both adult and consenting.
Lesley's grandson and granddaughter were both adult and consenting.