Trade Secrets

[Jon O'Neill]

Share your useful tips for anything here. They don't have to be trade-related.

I'll start: don't use cotton buds for cleaning your ears. They are useless. Use Bic pen lids. They're sturdy so you can scrape all the wax off the ear walls, or whatever you call it, they won't fall off, they go in the perfect depth (for me) before it starts getting uncomfortable, and they're cheap as hell.



Over to you.

[Ryan Taylor]

You can also wash them afterwards and reuse unlike cotton buds.

[Charlie Reams]

Most people open bananas from the end that looks like a tab. This squashes the top of the banana, leaves you with a small bit of banana stuck in the other end, and often doesn't split the skin neatly. It's much easier to open the other end. This is what monkeys usually do, and they wrote the book on banana eating (presumably using an infinite number of typewriters).

[Matt Morrison]

Most people open bananas from the end that looks like a tab. This squashes the top of the banana, leaves you with a small bit of banana stuck in the other end, and often doesn't split the skin neatly. It's much easier to open the other end. This is what monkeys usually do, and they wrote the book on banana eating (presumably using an infinite number of typewriters).

You just give it a little squeeze.
It is quite satisfying, and when someone first showed me I was very impressed and promised to always open my bananas this way forever.
But then you get the little crappy bit of banana end at the top rather than the bottom. I used this method about three times (entirely just to impress other people) and then went back to the normal method.

[Karen Pearson]

Most people open bananas from the end that looks like a tab. This squashes the top of the banana, leaves you with a small bit of banana stuck in the other end, and often doesn't split the skin neatly. It's much easier to open the other end. This is what monkeys usually do, and they wrote the book on banana eating (presumably using an infinite number of typewriters).

If you have a sharp thumb nail you can make a small incision in the 'tab' end and then it breaks open very neatly without squashing any of the banana.

[Dinos Sfyris]

PRORATES and INTONERS can take any vowel

[Jon Corby]

Most people open bananas from the end that looks like a tab. This squashes the top of the banana, leaves you with a small bit of banana stuck in the other end, and often doesn't split the skin neatly. It's much easier to open the other end. This is what monkeys usually do, and they wrote the book on banana eating (presumably using an infinite number of typewriters).

You just give it a little squeeze.
It is quite satisfying, and when someone first showed me I was very impressed and promised to always open my bananas this way forever.
But then you get the little crappy bit of banana end at the top rather than the bottom. I used this method about three times (entirely just to impress other people) and then went back to the normal method.

Exactly what Matt says here.

Also, Dr Phil says you shouldn't put anything smaller than your elbow into your ear.

[Michael Wallace]

Also, Dr Phil says you shouldn't put anything smaller than your elbow into your ear.

So my penis is ok?

[Matt Morrison]

Also, Dr Phil says you shouldn't put anything smaller than your elbow into your ear.

So my penis is ok?

You can fit your elbow in your penis?

[Michael Wallace]

Also, Dr Phil says you shouldn't put anything smaller than your elbow into your ear.

So my penis is ok?

You can fit your elbow in your penis?

Let's put it this way: don't get me too drunk at Co:Lon.

[Andy Wilson]

You can fit your elbow in your Co:Lon?

[Michael Wallace]

You can fit your elbow in your Co:Lon?

That's disgusting.

[Ben Hunter]

There are little bolts underneath pedestrian crossing boxes that spin around when the green man appears. Put your hand underneath one and marvel at one of life's biggest easter eggs.

RE: bananas. People are always impressed when I show them that banana secret.

[Jeff Clayton]

The French expression for window shopping is "faire de la lèche-vitrine", which translates literally into English as window licking.

[David Williams]

If you come up to temporary traffic lights on red, flash your lights and they will change. My son works for a company that hires them out, and he says this is a complete fallacy. But he would, wouldn't he? It always works for me. Eventually.

[Lesley Hines]

There are little bolts underneath pedestrian crossing boxes that spin around when the green man appears. Put your hand underneath one and marvel at one of life's biggest easter eggs.

I love this, but it only works (round here anyway) where there are multiple sets of lights. It's so blind people can differentiate between lots of sets.

To get perfect crispy bacon every time, put your grill on high, but put your grill pan as low as it can go, not on the little rails designed for it. Your meat will be juicy and the fat will be crisp.

[Ian Volante]

Oh gods, this isn't going to turn into the equivalent of one of those columns in Take a Break or equivalent? I may have to kill you all if that's the case.

[Jon Corby]

If you get locked out of your flat, try not to get locked out of your flat.

[Lesley Hines]

Oh gods, this isn't going to turn into the equivalent of one of those columns in Take a Break or equivalent? I may have to kill you all if that's the case.

To avoid miserable stories about people dying and utterly banal stories about people's grandchildren, don't read Take a Break.

[Karen Pearson]

Oh gods, this isn't going to turn into the equivalent of one of those columns in Take a Break or equivalent? I may have to kill you all if that's the case.

To avoid miserable stories about people dying and utterly banal stories about people's grandchildren, don't read Take a Break.

When you got to the hairdresser's, take your own book with you so that you aren't forced to read Take A Break.

[Ian Volante]

Oh gods, this isn't going to turn into the equivalent of one of those columns in Take a Break or equivalent? I may have to kill you all if that's the case.

To avoid miserable stories about people dying and utterly banal stories about people's grandchildren, don't read Take a Break.

It's tips of the ilk of "empty old teabags and fill them with pot pourri to make handy and cheap thingies to sit around the place" that amuse/infuriate me. Mind you, this sort of thing inspired Viz, so it's not all bad:

"SAVE ELECTRICITY by shortening the cables to all your household electric appliances."

Then again, http://www.takeaweirdbreak.com/

[David Williams]

Mind you, this sort of thing inspired Viz, so it's not all bad:

"SAVE ELECTRICITY by shortening the cables to all your household electric appliances."[/url]

I once saw, in the middle of a list of genuine tips, the suggestion that you could save the trouble of blown fuses by replacing them with chicken wire. The reader claimed that this survived even the time that his washing machine went on fire.

[James Doohan]

Mind you, this sort of thing inspired Viz, so it's not all bad:

"SAVE ELECTRICITY by shortening the cables to all your household electric appliances."[/url]

I once saw, in the middle of a list of genuine tips, the suggestion that you could save the trouble of blown fuses by replacing them with chicken wire. The reader claimed that this survived even the time that his washing machine went on fire.

Thats fucking hilarious

[Gavin Chipper]

I'll start: don't use cotton buds for cleaning your ears. They are useless. Use Bic pen lids. They're sturdy so you can scrape all the wax off the ear walls, or whatever you call it, they won't fall off, they go in the perfect depth (for me) before it starts getting uncomfortable, and they're cheap as hell.



Over to you.

You're not the only one who uses them.

[Gavin Chipper]

It is quite satisfying, and when someone first showed me I was very impressed and promised to always open my bananas this way forever.
But then you get the little crappy bit of banana end at the top rather than the bottom. I used this method about three times (entirely just to impress other people) and then went back to the normal method.

Yes, let's be absolutely clear about this. The bit at the normal bottom end of the banana is shit, and I wouldn't want that to be the starting point. Bananas are generally really easy to open the normal way. Only very rarely are they a problem so it's not worth having the shit bit at the top for this marginal gain in other areas.

[Jon O'Neill]

Paul Howe opens his bananas at the side. Fact.

[Charlie Reams]

don't use cotton buds for cleaning your ears. They are useless. Use Bic pen lids.

Prior art.

[Marc Meakin]

don't use cotton buds for cleaning your ears. They are useless. Use Bic pen lids.

Prior art.

That reminded me of the time I was being harrased by a Financial Consultant trying a hard sell.
I asked for his business card, and used it to pick my teeth before giving it back to him.

[Andy Wilson]

Marc... did that actually happen? I want to hug you right now.

The bic biro thing was discussed on QI a year or three back, with an 'ear scoop' being shown, and Phil Jupitus butting in and saying, don't bother buying one of them and referring to how it was just like a bic lid. Anyway, before I saw that episode I must confess I have been a bic lid ear scooper and still am. One of these days though one of us is gonna damage our ears in a freak de waxing accident!

Moving on, the red plastic things on the lids of Grolsch bottles make good guitar strap locks. Squeez the hole in the middle over the nut after your strap is in place to avoid it falling off if you suddenly decide you're Jimi Hendrix. While we're on about guitars, if you don't have a wire cutters/winders and don't want the end of your strings dangling annoyingly off the headstock after you've replaced them, grab a pound coin and using your thumb and your index finger, press the coin against the string, close to the machine head, and drag it in one swift smooth movement over the excess string. It should coil back into itself perfectly once you get the knack.

[Marc Meakin]

Marc... did that actually happen? I want to hug you right now.

The bic biro thing was discussed on QI a year or three back, with an 'ear scoop' being shown, and Phil Jupitus butting in and saying, don't bother buying one of them and referring to how it was just like a bic lid. Anyway, before I saw that episode I must confess I have been a bic lid ear scooper and still am. One of these days though one of us is gonna damage our ears in a freak de waxing accident!

Moving on, the red plastic things on the lids of Grolsch bottles make good guitar strap locks. Squeez the hole in the middle over the nut after your strap is in place to avoid it falling off if you suddenly decide you're Jimi Hendrix. While we're on about guitars, if you don't have a wire cutters/winders and don't want the end of your strings dangling annoyingly off the headstock after you've replaced them, grab a pound coin and using your thumb and your index finger, press the coin against the string, close to the machine head, and drag it in one swift smooth movement over the excess string. It should coil back into itself perfectly once you get the knack.

Yes it did, although he was also my flatmate at the time. (not for long, afterwards though)

[Ralph Gillions]

sorry. Error

[Matthew Green]

If someone insults you, however viciously, on a gameshow forum, it helps if you don't take it too personally. You fucking cunts.

[Marc Meakin]

sorry. Error

I'm intrigued as to what you said originally.

[Ralph Gillions]

sorry. Error

I'm intrigued as to what you said originally.

Nothing world-shattering Marc.
I actually duplicated a link to the YouTube clip about bananas.
By the time I realised what I'd done there was a new post after it so I couldn't delete it - so I changed it.
Sorry to disappoint.
(I'll try to offer something more intriguing in future.)

[Heather Badcock]

Someone in my office has just pointed out that the bananas in Mario Kart reflect the correct opening system:

[Ben Wilson]

Someone in my office has just pointed out that the bananas in Mario Kart reflect the correct opening system:

Someone really should make a 'c4countdowncart'. Paul Howe can throw bananas opened from the side, Kirkie can throw darts, Corby can throw insults and Jono can throw squirming penises from his lap.

[David Roe]

Someone really should make a 'c4countdowncart'. Paul Howe can throw bananas opened from the side, Kirkie can throw darts, Corby can throw insults and Jono can throw squirming penises from his lap.

And at that last thought, I think I may throw up.

[Joseph Krol]

If you cover a banana in paraffin, throw it at a car's fuel tank, and make sure it was accurate, you can make a banana bomb. I have killed seven badgers using this method. Lots of badgers on mopeds go around in my village.

[Debbi Flack]

If you have a sharp thumb nail you can make a small incision in the 'tab' end and then it breaks open very neatly without squashing any of the banana.

Makes perfect sense to me

cigarette ash is great for getting hair dye off areas of skin it wasn't intended for

[John Bosley]

Going through temporary traffic lights when they are on red and sticking anything at all in your ears are both equally dangerous, but neither are illegal.

[Gavin Chipper]

Going through temporary traffic lights when they are on red and sticking anything at all in your ears are both equally dangerous, but neither are illegal.

Didn't quite catch that - can you say that again?

[John Bosley]

Going through temporary traffic lights when they are on red and sticking anything at all in your ears are both equally dangerous, but neither are illegal.

Didn't quite catch that - can you say that again?

Going through temporary traffic lights when they are on red and sticking anything at all in your ears are both equally dangerous, but neither are illegal.

[Lesley Hines]

Going through temporary traffic lights when they are on red and sticking anything at all in your ears are both equally dangerous, but neither are illegal.

Didn't quite catch that - can you say that again?

Going through temporary traffic lights when they are on red and sticking anything at all in your ears are both equally dangerous, but neither are illegal.

Sticking anything in your ears isn't illegal, but going through red temporary traffic lights is. (Law changed in 1994.) If you get nicked for it, you do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention, when questioned, something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence. "I read it on the Countdown forum" is not an acceptable defence.

[Ryan Taylor]

To pass the time I like to play a little game involving a woodlouse. So find yourself a woodlouse, a healthy-sized one, and tip it onto it's back then time how long it takes for it to get back onto it's front. Then try and beat that time by adjusting how you position it on it's back. The aim of the game is to get the longest time.

[Rosemary Roberts]

To pass the time I like to play a little game involving a woodlouse. So find yourself a woodlouse, a healthy-sized one, and tip it onto it's back then time how long it takes for it to get back onto it's front. Then try and beat that time by adjusting how you position it on it's back. The aim of the game is to get the longest time.

To misquote Mrs Beeton, "first catch your woodlouse". Do you live in a damp basement?

On a smaller scale, our cat used to like playing with silverfish - just batting them gently around and waiting until they got back on track before batting them again. The game worked well with ants, but silverfish just refused to play.

[Ryan Taylor]

To pass the time I like to play a little game involving a woodlouse. So find yourself a woodlouse, a healthy-sized one, and tip it onto it's back then time how long it takes for it to get back onto it's front. Then try and beat that time by adjusting how you position it on it's back. The aim of the game is to get the longest time.

To misquote Mrs Beeton, "first catch your woodlouse". Do you live in a damp basement?

Student house. Woodlice are some of the tamer things found on the floor and the game wouldn't really work with slugs.

[Rosemary Roberts]

Student house. Woodlice are some of the tamer things found on the floor and the game wouldn't really work with slugs.

It might be interesting to see how good fleas and bedbugs are at turning over. The problem would be putting them upside down without letting them escape. Sooner you than me on that one.

[Charlie Reams]

To pass the time I like to play a little game involving a woodlouse. So find yourself a woodlouse, a healthy-sized one, and tip it onto it's back then time how long it takes for it to get back onto it's front. Then try and beat that time by adjusting how you position it on it's back. The aim of the game is to get the longest time.

This is amazing, it needs its own thread. Seriously.

[Rosemary Roberts]

To pass the time I like to play a little game involving a woodlouse. So find yourself a woodlouse, a healthy-sized one, and tip it onto it's back then time how long it takes for it to get back onto it's front. Then try and beat that time by adjusting how you position it on it's back. The aim of the game is to get the longest time.

This is amazing, it needs its own thread. Seriously.

Perhaps a whole forum: leagues, variants,...

[Gavin Chipper]

To pass the time I like to play a little game involving a woodlouse. So find yourself a woodlouse, a healthy-sized one, and tip it onto it's back then time how long it takes for it to get back onto it's front. Then try and beat that time by adjusting how you position it on it's back. The aim of the game is to get the longest time.

This is amazing, it needs its own thread. Seriously.

Perhaps a whole forum: leagues, variants,...

Not forgetting a Sanctum for the best people.

[Ryan Taylor]

Not forgetting a Sanctum for the best people.

Mmmm...well it's different, but...it's not a hen.

[John Bosley]

Thanks for this Lesley:-

Sticking anything in your ears isn't illegal, but going through red temporary traffic lights is. (Law changed in 1994.) If you get nicked for it, you do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention, when questioned, something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence. "I read it on the Countdown forum" is not an acceptable defence.

I must stop doing it right now.

[Lesley Hines]

Thanks for this Lesley:-

Sticking anything in your ears isn't illegal, but going through red temporary traffic lights is. (Law changed in 1994.) If you get nicked for it, you do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention, when questioned, something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence. "I read it on the Countdown forum" is not an acceptable defence.

I must stop doing it right now.

Lordy! Please don't be typing on the forum and driving at the same time: that's worse than going through red lights when there's nothing there!

[Lesley Hines]

Ok - this is an Ewwwwwwwwwwww one, but it's quite interesting. (At least if you live in more rural parts of the country, otherwise it's just ew.)

Incest is only incest if it can produce offspring. Therefore it's illegal for Grandad to be banging (adult and consenting) granddaughter, but perfectly legal for Granny to be playing hide-the-sausage with (adult and consenting) grandson, on the basis that it's assumed that Grandma can't get pregnant.

Do not try this at home. This should only be done by professional pikeys. No pikeys were harmed in the writing of this post.

[Rosemary Roberts]

Ok - this is an Ewwwwwwwwwwww one, but it's quite interesting. (At least if you live in more rural parts of the country, otherwise it's just ew.)

Incest is only incest if it can produce offspring. Therefore it's illegal for Grandad to be banging (adult and consenting) granddaughter, but perfectly legal for Granny to be playing hide-the-sausage with (adult and consenting) grandson, on the basis that it's assumed that Grandma can't get pregnant.

Do not try this at home. This should only be done by professional pikeys. No pikeys were harmed in the writing of this post.

Seems reasonable to me - what harm could it do. But what if Grandad has had the snip? And has a certificate to prove it. I find that even more Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

[Richard Adams]

As far as I can tell, this isn't right.

Incest still exists in Scotland: in this country, 'sex with an adult relative' is the new name for this offence, which is contrary to s.64 Sexual Offences Act 2003.

In neither case is impotence, castration, lack of fertility etc a valid defence.

Sorry, Granny. The sausage will have to be hidden somewhere else.

[Rosemary Roberts]

As far as I can tell, this isn't right.

Incest still exists in Scotland: in this country, 'sex with an adult relative' is the new name for this offence, which is contrary to s.64 Sexual Offences Act 2003.

In neither case is impotence, castration, lack of fertility etc a valid defence.

Sorry, Granny. The sausage will have to be hidden somewhere else.

That seems an odd wording to choose. The guiltier of the parties is normally considered to be the older one, so surely the offence should be "sex with a juvenile relative". The juvenile doesn't usually get much choice.

But where both parties are equally mature and equally willing I don't see the need for an offence at all.

[Ryan Taylor]

Jesus, stop worrying about the law and start tormenting some woodlice.

[Rosemary Roberts]

Jesus, stop worrying about the law and start tormenting some woodlice.

I think on balance I prefer hiding sausages.

[Richard Adams]

Juvenile? That's another pan of sausages altogether.

Lesley's grandson and granddaughter were both adult and consenting.