Monday 30th July - 2011 Overall Champion Special Thing

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Mark Deeks
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Monday 30th July - 2011 Overall Champion Special Thing

Post by Mark Deeks »

For whatever reason, a big time decision maker person (who should have such power wrested away from him because he's clearly a mentalist) has decided that Countdown should be taken off the air for a brief period each summer so that horse racing can be shown instead. This is rather silly since horse racing is terrible, yet it happens, without fail, without fanfare, without enjoyment. And we are at that Countdownless point of the year right now.

The upside to this, however, is that we get to have a couple of Countdown specials thrown in to satisfy our fix, specials which, as the name suggests, are normally better than most episodes. This is to never be more true than it is today, when the mandatory horse racing interval bequests upon us a real gift. Today sees the return to our screens of Series 65 champion and light of my life Graeme Cole, possibly the greatest Countdown contestant ever.

C1: Graeme Cole.

In triumphing over some lucky douchebag with terrible taste in trousers, Graeme brought to the screen a potent mixture of charm, grace, style and panache, something so rarely seen on a TV show that pretty much just features awkward people looking nervous. He exudes class and passion, finds only the best in people, and oozes common human decency. Graeme is the epitome of humility, the embodiment of enthusiasm, and just a truly adorable bastard that you want to hug and wrestle at the same time. He's also funny as hell, infectiously enthusiastic, really good at Countdown despite being unable to spell his own name, and, bad jokes aside, a truly great person to have met. There follows a totally-not-gay-photo montage of our champion, the people's champion, MY champion, in happy times.

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C2: Edward McColick. Software tester from Newry. Or whatever.



In dictionary corner are Susie Dent and Mark Foster. Foster is presenting the Olympic men's diving tournament on BBC 1 at the same time as this show is broadcast which, in accordance with the rules of game show programming, will probably get someone fired. Foster is a very tall man with very wide shoulders, and he is also very....confident. Yes, let's say confident. Mark Foster is confident in Mark Foster.

Nick introduces the contestants by saying "they've never met before" and that they're "going head to head for the first time." This is not strictly true, as the pair have played before on a website called Apterous, where, surprisingly, Edward from Newry is 155-21 up lifetime. It is surprising because Graeme is obviously way better.

A flange of Apterites (which is officially the collective noun for Apterites; this is incontrovertible fact) is in the building to watch the game. Naturally, like naughty school children, we can be found at the very back of the crowd, flciking rubber bands and occasionally bullying each other into giving up lunch money. In the very right hand corner of the top row can be found Matt Bayfield; to his left, the list of luminaries reads Lauren Hamer, Jen Steadman, me, Andy Platt and Adam Gillard, with Chris Butler providing the bridge between us and the mature people. In front, at what very quickly defaults into being the adults table, sit (again from right to left) Matt Croy, Karen Pearson, Jayne Wisniewski, Innis Carson, Chris Davies and Dylan Taylor, who later brags about how great he did in a move that surprises nobody and pleases fewer. Somewhere in the building can also be found Grant Waters and his wife Becky, who later become folk heroes for reasons that are kind of tough to explain if you weren't there. If you weren't there that week and feel bad about this, then hopefully this really blurry picture of the entire flange (which the stranger who took it insists came out "really well") will help to scratch your Apto-itch.


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(You should also feel really bad for not being there. It was great.)



On with the show, then. Here come the selections and that so you can have a go at playing along yourself, although if you intend to do that, it might be a better idea to just watch the actual show.

R01: I J D A T E R Y O
R02: L T N U E I R A I
R03: H S P E A O N T E
R04: I R G E N R O W N
R05: 4, 1, 5, 10, 8, 8. Target: 804.
TTT: LOVEDUTY - "Behaving with love, duty, and religious commitment."
R06: U X T I S D E I A
R07: S T P E A I V D A
R08: E B T I A R F S O
R09: C W M E A O G T N
R10: 25, 100, 50, 75, 4, 6. Target: 941.
TTT: IAMFRAIL - "No one actually reads these so I might as well put a subliminal BUY ME SOMETHING message in this bit."
R11: B S S E A I Z L E
R12: U G R I M N A E I
R13: M K H E O A R P E
R14: 25, 3, 5, 9, 6, 10. Target: 867.
R15: C C O P Y R I T E (conundrum)


And now a brief interlude before Graeme totally wrecks Ed's shit:

SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
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SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER
SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER


Bring the noise.


Round 1: I J D A T E R Y O

C1: toadier
C2: DIETARY (7)
DC: JOYRIDE (7)
Score: 0–7 (max 7)


The people's champion is tripped up early by the failings of whoever wrote the dictionary (and it's DEFINITELY someone else's fault) while Ed gets lucky with some bullshit guess.

Up in the crowd, it didn't take long for conversation to turn to the Dutch lexicon, and all the wonderfully childish words it allows. Even with all the drama taking place in front of us, the back row of the flange can't help but laugh at words like SNOTPORK, HOMOJARGON and DOUCHEUNIT as if they are the funniest things ever. (Which, to be fair, they are.) This draws the attention of Dudley the warm-up man, who introduces us to the rest of the crowd as "a bunch of former champions." In spite of his best efforts, however, the rest of the audience doesn't seem to like us much.


Round 2: L T N U E I R A I

C1: TENURIAL (8)
C2: TENURIAL (8)
OT: INERTIAL (8)
Score: 8–15 (max 15)

A little woop of joy can be heard after this round. Pretty sure it was from Adam Gillard, who is roundly denounced for cheering for the wrong person.

Despite all our planning for the event - a meticulous procedure which involved forgetting to buy the biscuits we had planned to get for the crew, and walking around the city lost for ages the night before because we didn't remember to plan where to meet up for drinks - we kind of forgot to bring signs with us. We meant to, but the best we could manage were Jen's gifts of two pom poms, and a hat with a cotton penis on it. Nevertheless, enterprising geeks that we are, the flange got busy during the first two rounds making signs out of the little notepads audience members are given on which to play along. We spelt out the letters to the word "G-R-A-E-M-E", one on each pad, although Adam refused to play along since he's blinded by his non-sensical love for Ed so I had to hold up both E's. We also eventually roped in the adults table, and got them to hold up the letters for the word "C-O-L-E", thereby creating a two tier system of Team Cole loving that did justice to a man deserving of his own shrine.

[For some reason I'm supposed to be unbiased and fair to both contestants, despite one of them being way greater than the other. I am therefore obligated to point out that we also had a sign for Ed. This sign consisted solely of the word "E-D," because we didn't know how to spell McColluch or McCurraugh or McLovin or whatever the hell his surname is, and also didn't have enough pads for that many letters. In the end, we resorted to writing sexually explicit messages for Ed. And the ungrateful bastard still chewed us out for not making an effort for him. Tosser. See, this is why we like Graeme more.]


Round 3: H S P E A O N T E

C1: PHONATE (7)
C2: PHONATES (8)
DC: STANHOPE (8) PHAETONS (8)
OT: HEPTANES (8) POTHEENS (8) SATPHONE (8)
Score: 8–23 (max 23)

Another moment of pure bad luck for the people's champion, as he rightly chickens a word that totally isn't a word. And nor are any of the other words that he didn't go for. Not his fault. They're not words. Nope. Non. Nein.

Conversation amongst the flange has now moved on to "Words that are valid in Dutch that aren't dirty or anything, but which are funny because they are just extremely pointless; I mean, it's like, why do you need a special word for that? What was wrong with the two or three that every other language manages with? Come on, Holland. Sort it out." This fascinating conversational twist is instigated by Matt Bayfield, who laughs so hard at the validity of the word NEWAGECD that he nearly pukes.

The utmost respect must be extended to both Jayne and Karen, who had to sit in front of us, listening to our incessant and awkwardly loud childish ramblings for the best part of an hour, and yet never once turned around to complain or slap us in the face or anything. These two ladies have the patience of saints; we give thanks and apologies to them in equal measure.

Also a thank you to the Countdown staff for not kicking us out for being childishly boisterous, when it probably would have been best for everyone concerned if we had been.



Round 4: I R G E N R O W N

C1: INGROWN (7)
C2: IGNORER (7)
DC: REGROWN (7)
OT: GRINNER (7) NEGRONI (7) WRINGER (7) WRONGER (7)
Score: 15–30 (max 30)

IGNORER is kind of a weird word, as is GRINNER, yet you can pretty much take any verb and add -ER to it and it's valid. Ed does just that and gets away with it, while Graeme clearly had something much more impressive.

At the first break, Mark Foster gives a speech about an Olympic hero of his, Duncan Goodhew, and about how meeting Duncan and watching him at his best inspired Foster to become the competitor he became. On the broadcast, Nick is seen to respond with gushing reverence and a round of applause; in reality, that talk went on for about three weeks.


Round 5: 4, 1, 5, 10, 8, 8. Target: 804.

C1: 802.
C2: 804. (8+8)*5*10+4 (10)
Score: 15–40 (max 40)


A tough numbers game, one that looked much easier than it actually was, and one which none of the flange admitted to solving. There is absolutely no shame in not getting this. [Graeme: is this OK? I can put in some more excuses for you if you want. Such as the fact you desperately had to rush out mid-round and save those kids from that burning building. Doing so in a really humble way, obviously. Either way, let me know. Cheers.]



Teatime teaser: LOVEDUTY -> DEVOUTLY

Fascinating. And now back to Graeme TV.



Round 6: U X T I S D E I A

C1: DUTIES (6)
C2: SUITED (6)
DC: TAXIED (6)
OT: ADIEUS (6) ADIEUX (6) AUDITS (6) DEIXIS (6) DIXIES (6) SAUTED (6) TIDIES (6)
Score: 21–46 (max 46)


In linguistics, a DEIXIS is a word that points to the time, place, or situation in which the speaker is speaking. For example, in the sentence "Matt Bayfield is doubled over in blissful pain right now at the discovery of the valid Dutch word RECTUMARREST," the deixis would be the word "now."

At some point roughly about now, Rachel notices the flange's sign, and points it out to the floor manager during a break in filming. She gesticulates in our direction, bringing us to the attention of the crew in case he wanted to get our crudely made sign of support somewhere into the show. The floor manager declined to do so. It was probably something to do with the penis hat.


Round 7: S T P E A I V D A

C1: ADIPATES (8)
C2: ADAPTIVE (8)
Score: 29–54 (max 54)


ADAPTIVES isn't in, and nor would ADAPTIVE be if I made the rules. I don't, though. (If I did, the first rule would be to take out the 25 in the numbers round and replace it with another 100. The second rule would be to then take out the numbers rounds altogether, because no one likes numbers anyway. And the third rule would be don't talk about Fight Club for some reason.)

Matt laughs so hard and yet so quietly at "LESBODISCO" being valid that urgent medical attention is sought.



Round 8: E B T I A R F S O

C1: BOASTER (7)
C2: BOASTER (7)
DC: BOATERS (7) FORTIES (7) BORATES (7)
OT: BAITERS (7) BARITES (7) BIFTERS (7) BOATIES (7) FAIREST (7) OBITERS (7) OSTERIA (7)
Score: 36–61 (max 61)


Foster's mispronunciation of BORATES results in about three or four retakes, only for the original to be left in anyway as they couldn't get a retake in which Susie wasn't giggling.

A BIFTER is a slang term for a cigarette, and not, as I thought, a certain part of a lady. Either my school years were awash with misinformation when it came to Scouse playground slang, or I am just misinformed generally. It's probably the latter.

Matt Bayfield, having finished cleaning the vomit off Lauren's lap, is both shocked and appalled to find that his spot of FIREBOATS is invalid. We know for sure that it was invalid because we were seated behind Innis and Chris, who, whether they liked it or not, were being used as a dictionary. Everything was passed through them for their encouraging approval or respectful decline. It's their own fault for being really sodding good at this.

It transpires that fireboats IS a word, but only in the CSW dictionary, which means it probably isn't a word.



Round 9: C W M E A O G T N

C1: MONTAGE (7)
C2: MONTAGE (7)
DC: COGNATE (7) MEGATON (7)
OT: MAGNETO (7)
Score: 43–68 (max 68)

Matt is similarly angry to find that CATWOMEN is not allowed, a fact Susie confirms. It's a valid shout - the ODE3 allows SPIDERMEN, SUPERMEN and BATMEN, so seemingly any barrier put down as to the lower case inclusion of multiple fictional superheros is entirely arbitrary. And also totally stupid.


Round 10: 25, 100, 50, 75, 4, 6. Target: 941.

C1: 946. (100+50)*6+75-254 (7)
C2: 944. Mistake in working.
RR: 940. She didn't say how though (7)
OT: 942. (((50*25)+6)*75)/100 (7)
Score: 50–68 (max 75)


On for a max game after nine rounds, Ed lets Rachel choose whatever she wants for the numbers round, and she trolls the bejeezus out of him by going for a four large game that proves impossible to solve. She's clearly rooting for Graeme too. Good. She should be.

Graeme won the second half of the show and closed the gap to 18, now just one good Darren and one conundrum spot away from another crucial conundrum. He's good at them, you know.


Teatime teaser: IAMFRAIL -> FAMILIAR

Lovely stuff.


Round 11: B S S E A I Z L E

C1: SIZABLE (7)
C2: SIZEABLE (8)
OT: SEIZABLE (8)
Score: 50–76 (max 83)


Lucky guess from Edward, who probably has a solver hidden under his desk. Or maybe he has Adam under his desk. That would explain all the smiling he's doing. Smug git.

Speaking of Adam, the seating arrangements of the flange are less than subtlely switched around so that he and Jen are now sitting together. The budding Apto-romance industry, which has seen three relationships started and one baby squirted out in one short year, is shunted into action to hopefully produce yet more Apto-offspring. By this time, Apterous is almost a registered match-making service, and a potential unison of Adam and Jen would just seal the deal. Although it probably doesn't help Jen's chances of finding a mate that she's wearing a penis hat.



Round 12: U G R I M N A E I

C1: IMAGINER (8)
C2: GERANIUM (8)
DC: MIGRAINE (8)
Score: 58–84 (max 91)


Ed picks five vowels once again, doing so this time as he already had GERANIUM as soon as it came out. He tries to throw Graeme off the scent with the extra vowel, but Graeme was of course ahead of the game and had the much greater word. In doing so, he also proves my theory about how verb + -ER = word. God I love Graeme. Always looking out for me.


Round 13: M K H E O A R P E

C1: REMAKE (6)
C2: PHREAK (6)
DC: HAMPER (6)
OT: HAMERKOP (8)
Score: 64–90 (max 99)


Considering that Lauren Hamer (whose surname is Hamer) is sitting right behind Matt Croy (who is a cop), you can only imagine how much this bunch of wordplay-loving geeks enjoyed this moment. We were calling for HAMERKOP to come out as soon as the O came out, and, as if to justify our existence, the Lord Jesus Christ and/or the little fella who shuffles the letters tiles made it happen for us. We were happy.

Lauren then shouts "fanny" really loudly for no particular reason.


Graeme needed to outscore Ed in this round to give himself a chance, however slight, of victory. He didn't, however, and so barring a 27 point conundrum, it's all over.



Round 14: 25, 3, 5, 9, 6, 10. Target: 867.

C1: 866. (10-3)*5*25-9 (7)
C2: 866. (10*3+5)*25-9 (7)
RR: 867. ((10*25)+((9*5)-6))*3 (10)
Score: 71–97 (max 109)

I actually solved this at about the 29 second mark, and surprised myself at quite how annoying I was about it. Sorry about that, everyone. Again.

Nearly done now, and we wind it up quickly with the conundrum, which will probably be really hard.


Round 15: C C O P Y R I T E

C2 buzzes on 1 second to say PRECOCITY which is correct.
Final Score: 71–107 (max 119)


Ed seals a 12 maxer with this lightning spot of a word I've never heard of. He's pretty good.


Thus concludes the third half of the show, and Ed reigns victorious, now one of only ten contestants in the thirty year history of the show to go undefeated. More importantly, though, let us keep up the pretense no longer - while the extremely one-sided support of Graeme worked well as a comedy vehicle both in this post and on the day, make no mistake about it that it was just a joke. Ed is freaking lovely. In addition to being arguably the best Countdowner of all time - and if he's not, he bloody nearly is - he's also great company, as we found out that week. Ed is the highest of high calibre contestants and a leader of the freaking banter, and notwithstanding everything else, getting the opportunity to actually meet the man (as well as repeatedly ask him to say TANGELOS in that accent of his) was one of the main reasons for coming. Genuinely lovely guy, as are they both.

By the way, Adam has also asked me to point out that Ed is really sexually attractive.



Further summaries are at:
http://www.apterous.org/cdb/series.php?series=67
Last edited by Mark Deeks on Fri Jun 14, 2013 11:37 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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James Robinson
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Re: Monday 30th July - 2011 Overall Champion Special Thing

Post by James Robinson »

Nice work, Deeksy. Defo makes me wish I was there. ;) :) :D :mrgreen: 8-)

And as a reward, I've posted it on cdb to save you the hassle. :geek: :ugeek:
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Re: Monday 30th July - 2011 Overall Champion Special Thing

Post by Jennifer Steadman »

Mark Deeks wrote:a hat with a cotton penis on it.
It actually has two penises on it. And it's all wool, fyi.

Not that this made Nick Hewer like it any more when he saw it in the car park after filming.
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Re: Monday 30th July - 2011 Overall Champion Special Thing

Post by Adam Gillard »

An extremely enjoyable read, Mark. I'm grinning from ear to ear. Thanks for including that footnote at the end, too. Both Ed and Graeme are lovely fellas and it was great to be there cheering them on among the illustrious company whom you've listed in an incredibly detailed display of memory / planning ahead for this recap (nice work either way). A real treat of a recap.
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C1: SIGNATURE (18) ["9; not written down"]
C2: SEATING (7)
Score: 108–16 (max 113)

Another niner for Adam and yet another century. Well done, that man."
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Re: Monday 30th July - 2011 Overall Champion Special Thing

Post by Jack Worsley »

Best recap ever! :D :D :D :) :P :lol: :lol: :mrgreen:
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Chris Davies
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Re: Monday 30th July - 2011 Overall Champion Special Thing

Post by Chris Davies »

I am actually madly in love with this recap. Beautiful.
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Re: Monday 30th July - 2011 Overall Champion Special Thing

Post by Thomas Carey »

Funniest shit I've read in ages :D
cheers maus
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Re: Monday 30th July - 2011 Overall Champion Special Thing

Post by Heather Styles »

Well done to both contestants (especially to Graeme for saving the children from the burning building!). I would like to nominate this for Recap of the Year; it made me literally LOL :D
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Re: Monday 30th July - 2011 Overall Champion Special Thing

Post by LaurenHamer »

Best recap I've ever read (I've read about 4).

You know when I said not to mention the bit where I shouted 'fanny'...
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Mark Deeks
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Re: Monday 30th July - 2011 Overall Champion Special Thing

Post by Mark Deeks »

You did. On the flip side, you also did shout "fanny" really loudly. So I had a tough decision to make.
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Re: Monday 30th July - 2011 Overall Champion Special Thing

Post by Phyl Styles »

Brilliant recap, Mark, and an amazing show, which I guess we might not have had were it not for the racing.
Woop and pretense haven't been pencilled yet, so hang on to them ...
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Re: Monday 30th July - 2011 Overall Champion Special Thing

Post by LaurenHamer »

I have no idea why I shouted that out.
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Re: Monday 30th July - 2011 Overall Champion Special Thing

Post by Grant Waters »

Hilarious recap Mark. I was in the audience too, and watched it yesterday, but your recap still added a new dimension to the game.
Thanks for the mention too, although I'm not sure what we did to gain the exhalted status of Folk Heroes?? Maybe I had more to drink than I remember!!
It was so cool to have your support on my game (Broadcast date 7th Aug - yay) and so cool to meet everyone afterwards.

I have a slightly less fuzzy version of the same Apterite group picture. In yours, you may notice Matt looking off to the left - well this is why....

Image

I have another picture which I don't like so much because I'm not in it :( although Rachel's bottom is! :o

GXW
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Re: Monday 30th July - 2011 Overall Champion Special Thing

Post by Martin Long »

An excellent recap Mark! Definitely the best I've read.

I agree with the hatred of the number 25. 1-large 25-only rounds are harder than 6-small rounds on average I find (but this might be just me).
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Re: Monday 30th July - 2011 Overall Champion Special Thing

Post by Graeme Cole »

Thanks for posting that picture, Grant. I knew there was more than one person taking them.
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Re: Monday 30th July - 2011 Overall Champion Special Thing

Post by LaurenHamer »

Aha! Good work, Grant! See, that's why you're our hero!
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Re: Monday 30th July - 2011 Overall Champion Special Thing

Post by David Williams »

Mark Deeks wrote:Round 10: 25, 100, 50, 75, 4, 6. Target: 941.

C1: 946. (100+50)*6+75-254 (7)
C2: 944. Mistake in working.
RR: 940. She didn't say how though (7)
((50x75)+4+6)x25/100 presumably. I was surprised neither of them did this. I've never mastered 'four large', but I thought this was Chapter 1, Page 1.
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