Free stuff!

[Ryan Taylor]

I don't think so. It offered me 3 cases of wine. 1st case 12 mixed wines, 2nd case 12 red wines, 3rd case being 12 white wines. They are 39.99 each or is it only £39.99 because of my voucher? If not then the £40 voucher covers the cost (apart from delivery).

Normally: £79.99

Your Price: £39.99
with your voucher

See my edit. They cunningly placed the "with your voucher" bit beneath "Your price: £39.99" so I stopped reading after thinking "ZOINKS that's awesome".

[Michael Wallace]

See my edit.

Fuck your edit. I'm on page 2 now bitch.

For what it's worth, I can't decide whether Glee was completely shit or surprisingly watchable. It's definitely one of the two.

[Jon O'Neill]

This thread has been derailed by stuff that's not free.

[Ryan Taylor]

See my edit.

Fuck your edit. I'm on page 2 now bitch.

For what it's worth, I can't decide whether Glee was completely shit or surprisingly watchable. It's definitely one of the two.

Ha! I quite like it. I also ordered '100% Gleek: the unofficial guide to Glee' and 'Glee: the beginning' which both came today. I am thinking that Glee would be a candidate for the Mastermind specialist subject. Also 'Inbetweeners' flashed up as a very likely candidate too as the series' are short and there isn't lots of extra characters. Anyway that's probably more at home in the actual Mastermind thread.

[Michael Wallace]

So WAGs, fair enough, but in the singular shouldn't it be 'wife or girlfriend'?

[Matt Morrison]

So WAGs, fair enough, but in the singular shouldn't it be 'wife or girlfriend'?

That's a bit racist isn't it?

[Michael Wallace]

So WAGs, fair enough, but in the singular shouldn't it be 'wife or girlfriend'?

That's a bit racist isn't it?

You're saying it's racist to call Jamelia* a WoG?

*I just had to look through this top 100 WAGs list to find a WAG who was sufficiently non-white for that 'joke' to work, and it took me ages - Jamelia genuinely seems to be the only one in the whole 100.

[Jimmy Gough]

I'm not sure if this is basically stealing but you can set up a Lovefilm free trial and when it expires set up a new one but change the last letter in your postcode and just keep going through the alphabet. Of course they catch you out eventually when your DVDs happen to mysteriously take about a week to reach them

[Matt Morrison]

Just got a text from Michael saying "Okay [he even spelt it like that not just 'ok'] so I knew all the 100 in the list anyway cos I love WAGs. But if you mention it on c4c I'll just say it was part of my Pointless research, so shut up". There you have it folks. Just presenting the evidence.

[Jimmy Gough]

Why have you got his number? Are you gay or something?

[Michael Wallace]

Why have you got his number? Are you gay or something?

Him me and Kirky go down G-A-Y every Friday night where we dance to Madonna and, er, other gay stuff, didn't you know?

[Jimmy Gough]

Pix plz.

[Matt Morrison]

[Michael Wallace]

Christ almighty that is one of the most terrifying things I've ever seen.

[Jimmy Gough]

I'm not convinced. I reckon this is a pic of Michael with Matt and Kirk's heads photoshopped on.

[Ryan Taylor]

Was hoping for this to be bumped soon. Have you had any free things lately Jono?

[Oliver Garner]

When I was about 8, I collected Merlin football stickers. One of my packs had six rather than seven in so I got my mum to complain to Merlin, who said they would send 'lots of packs'. In reality, I got 1 card. GUTTED

[Jon O'Neill]

Not really I'm afraid. I did write a letter to Southern Railway a couple of weeks back asking for a refund on a train ticket because it was delayed so I got a Gatwick Express instead. I got a letter from them yesterday saying they have received my letter and are taking it into consideration.

[Ryan Taylor]

Not really I'm afraid. I did write a letter to Southern Railway a couple of weeks back asking for a refund on a train ticket because it was delayed so I got a Gatwick Express instead. I got a letter from them yesterday saying they have received my letter and are taking it into consideration.

No tena lady? No free brochure about hearing aids?

[Ryan Taylor]

When I was about 8, I collected Merlin football stickers. One of my packs had six rather than seven in so I got my mum to complain to Merlin, who said they would send 'lots of packs'. In reality, I got 1 card. GUTTED

I bet it wasn't even a shiny.

[Michael Wallace]

I got this email the other day:



Currently waiting to see if their 'free sample' is anywhere near enough for how much hair I have.

(I like how they know I have beautiful hair.)

[Jon Corby]

(I like how they know I have beautiful hair.)

I told them.

[Oliver Garner]

When I was about 8, I collected Merlin football stickers. One of my packs had six rather than seven in so I got my mum to complain to Merlin, who said they would send 'lots of packs'. In reality, I got 1 card. GUTTED

I bet it wasn't even a shiny.

Too right it wasn't - it was a Leeds team photo (sorry Karen)

[Karen Pearson]

I bet it wasn't even a shiny.

Too right it wasn't - it was a Leeds team photo (sorry Karen)

Nah! S'OK! Under normal circumstances I'd berate you but I don't think you're that old so it must have been a team photo from after the decline started! I remember in 1992 (18 years after we'd previously won the old first division) saying that I hoped it wouldn't be another 18 years before we won the title again! I'll keep my big mouth shut next time!

[Michael Wallace]

This isn't really in the same vein, but I just bought two bottles of cider from Iceland.They were £3.50 each and last time I checked they were on offer at 2 for £6, but the checkout girl (I presume) managed to only scan one of them, since the total came to £3.50. I didn't bring it up because a) I'm a dirty thief, 2) it's possible the offer had changed and I didn't want to look like a tit by saying "durr shouldn't that be £6?" when it shouldn't, and iii) Iceland was full of commoners and I wanted to get out of there ASAP.

Question: would you have highlighted the error?

[Dinos Sfyris]

Question: would you have highlighted the error?

No. I would assume the shop assistant was paying compliment to my nice face by giving me a cheeby freebie.

[Michael Wallace]

Question: would you have highlighted the error?

No. I would assume the shop assistant was paying compliment to my nice face by giving me a cheeby freebie.

Is that what you do/did at the cinema?

[Dinos Sfyris]

No but I do sometimes overscoop Ben & Jerry's to polite, courteous, attractive, gay sauna nudies or otherwise pleasant customers. I'm slowly balancing out the karmic universe one topping at a time.

[Liam Tiernan]

No but I do sometimes overscoop Ben & Jerry's to polite, courteous, attractive, gay sauna nudies or otherwise pleasant customers. I'm slowly balancing out the karmic universe one topping at a time.

You're not a serial killer, are you?

[Kirk Bevins]

After reading this thread I pulled my finger out and complained to East Coast as I caught a train to Doncaster that was cancelled. It made me arrive to my destination about 59 minutes late. Aware that I needed to be over an hour late for full compensation I think I just said "an hour late". Anyway the reply came back saying my train was delayed by 74 minutes I'd be entitled to £6 compensation. Well happy with that - no idea where they got that figure from but I'm not querying. York - Doncaster (one stop and 20 minutes on the train) is £19 without a railcard or £12 with. It's ridiculous money so I deserve £6, right?

[Michael Wallace]

So I have an Iceland Bonus Card, which is a complete waste of time (they don't do points, they do competitions, which obviously you never win), and very occasionally they send me vouchers. It's the usual deal, you get vouchers based on your shopping habits, and in the past they tend to send me quorn ones, because that's pretty much all we buy there. Last month, though, they sent me a voucher for FISH :O And so, naturally outraged (although, I'll be honest, more motivated by this thread than anything else), I sent them a letter. I played it up big time, pointing out that it's a bit rich to claim that the vouchers were "specially selected" for me, when they clearly weren't, all that stuff, but anyway, got a reply today, and it came with a voucher

As we've let you down by offering you £1 off breaded fish, please accept the enclosed Iceland voucher to the value of £1.00 as a gesture of our good will.

Take off the cost of the envelope and the stamp, and that's 54p of PURE PROFIT.

[Charlie Reams]

So I have an Iceland Bonus Card, which is a complete waste of time (they don't do points, they do competitions, which obviously you never win), and very occasionally they send me vouchers. It's the usual deal, you get vouchers based on your shopping habits, and in the past they tend to send me quorn ones, because that's pretty much all we buy there. Last month, though, they sent me a voucher for FISH :O And so, naturally outraged (although, I'll be honest, more motivated by this thread than anything else), I sent them a letter. I played it up big time, pointing out that it's a bit rich to claim that the vouchers were "specially selected" for me, when they clearly weren't, all that stuff, but anyway, got a reply today, and it came with a voucher

As we've let you down by offering you £1 off breaded fish, please accept the enclosed Iceland voucher to the value of £1.00 as a gesture of our good will.

Take off the cost of the envelope and the stamp, and that's 54p of PURE PROFIT.

Plus you can sell the other voucher for 99p.

[Jon O'Neill]

That's brilliant.

Not really I'm afraid. I did write a letter to Southern Railway a couple of weeks back asking for a refund on a train ticket because it was delayed so I got a Gatwick Express instead. I got a letter from them yesterday saying they have received my letter and are taking it into consideration.

I got the full price (£15) refunded in Rail Ticket Vouchers, which is good I suppose!

[Ryan Taylor]

My friend joined the casino last night/this morning (the one in Hull that I'm not banned from) and with it you get the customary free bet. He ended up winning £16 which of course isn't a lot but considering it was free then it's better than a kick in the nads. In other casino-related news I won last night/this morning so go me. Clawing it back. Although winning was quite a struggle this time as I was sat on a machine next to an old man who smelt of BO. That aside, he was quite funny and he seemed to enjoy me high-fiving him (although he looked quite worried when I first raised my hand) when he was winning and I'm pretty sure he enjoyed me patting him on the back (quite hard at times) when he got a good spin. To cap off the night of free stuff I got a "free" garlic bread from takeaway which tasted like shit so I'm glad it was "free". Now has anyone seen my keys because at the moment I am locked in the house and I want a Sunday paper.

[Michael Wallace]

So we had a load of power cuts last month, so many in fact that I was motivated to write to EDF to say "wtf?". I hammed it up a bit, and finished with "I don't think compensation should be out of the question" because I reckoned it was worth giving it a go.

Got a reply from UK Power Networks this morning, with the relevant section being:

I understand that you wish to make a claim for multiple interruptions under the EGS2A Guaranteed Standard set by out governing body OFGEM. This standard states 'if you are without electricity for a continual period of 3 hours or more on 4 or more occasions during a period of 12 months commencing 1st April, you are entitled to a £54 payment.' From our records, I can see that this has indeed been the case. I'm arranging for a payment to be sent out to you.

Obviously I had no idea about this EGS2A Guaranteed Standard thing, but still

[Jon O'Neill]

Awesome. Worth bearing in mind.

[Michael Wallace]

As a follow-up to the electricity thing, I just got my cheque, which was for £108, rather than the £54 I was expecting. Looks like because we had over twice as many power cuts as the rules say you nee to have we get double the compensation, which is nice.

From looking through the rules one important point is that if you have a similar problem you have to complain within 3 months if you want to get the compensation, which is lucky as I was being very slow at actually sending off the letter.

[Matt Morrison]

Another favourite was after we discovered a mad love for Star Bars at university. We wrote a cool letter to Cadbury's informing them that by far their best bar was going hugely underappreciated by the masses. We lived on the road that led up to Exeter City's stadium so we told them that we'd be willing to use our front lounge window as advertising space for Star Bars - for the people, like - and in return said they could pay us in nothing more tangible than shit loads of Star Bars. They unfortunately refused on the grounds of some Advertising Act or other, but delighted in offering us £5 of Cadbury's vouchers.

I've found this one!


42 Oxford Road
Exeter
Devon
EX4 6QX

07.04.03

Dear Sir or Madam,

We are two students from Exeter University with an alarming passion for your wonderful Star Bar. We write to you today as it has come to our attention that the Star Bar receives far less promotional coverage than it deserves, and as such, the chocolate-loving world of consumers is losing out in two ways; firstly, fewer people know about the Star Bar than can be considered morally correct, and secondly, those that do, are having to pay for it’s relative ‘underground’ reputation with its high cost.

Why has this happened? You have created the perfect chocolate bar (except in the eyes of those suffering from nut allergies of course!) and quite why you are happy to leave this unexposed and in the dark is beyond us.

Let’s get straight to the point. What we are suggesting is that two metaphorical birds can be killed with just the one metaphorical stone – you can use our window space for Star Bar advertising and instead of paying us for the lease in hard cash, balance our generosity by providing extensive amounts of the gold-wrapped length we have become so accustomed to.

We live right in the middle of a student area (our surveys have shown this to be a perfect target audience), in very close proximity to the centre of the city and also Exeter City’s football stadium, so at weekends, a huge amount of pedestrian traffic comes past our house which can now be alerted to the excellence of the Star Bar.

Whether or not you guys can appreciate what you have done in creating such an awesome bar, you have changed our lives forever and as such, you cannot fail to admit to holding some sort of responsibility for our well-beings. We trust you will do the right thing – for us, for the Bar and for the people. However, should company policy so strictly dictate that you can’t provide us with any free products, then please don’t hesitate to still send any promotional material we can display for you, because if the big company doesn’t care about the little people, the little people still care about the little bar! : )

We await your reply with chocolate-filled stomachs,

James George & Matt Morrison

[Ryan Taylor]

...

STOOOOOOODENTS

[Soph K]

[quote="Michael Wallace"]Now that this deceptive-but-not-technically-irrelevant subject title has got your attention. I want to hear about the best free stuff you've ever been sent by companies. It can be just random stuff they've sent you because you forgot to tick a box on a form, or it can be stuff they've sent you because you corrected their spelling/seem a bit mental.

I think my own highlights include:

1) Money from bus companies when they've been rubbish (I once had a bus driver ask me if I was unemployed, because he didn't recognise my disabled bus pass (Y)).
2) Free pizza! Our local Domino's accidentally put meat on a pizza, and when we complained they gave us a free pizza voucher. When we tried to use the voucher no-one knew how it worked, and they ended up trying to charge us some ostensibly completely made up number, so we complained again, and got MORE PIZZA. (I think they hate us now, though.)
3) Tea companies in general are quite good for some freebies. Presumably because the cost of a teabag is approximately nothing.
4) ????
5) Profit.

I went through a phase when I was about 15 of using free stuff forums to send off for loads of free stuff. There are presumably still loads




When you post stuff, it comes up with a picture. How did you get a picture up on there?

[Matt Morrison]

Saw Charlie the other day and he brought up an old complaint I made to National Rail - well, when I say "brought up" I mean that him and Heather took the piss out of me for being mental for five minutes.
Anyway, just in case you're bored and have 10 minutes reading time, it's below, with scans and pictures omitted:



Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to complain about the conditions of a journey I undertook from Salisbury to Teignmouth on the evening of Saturday 3rd March 2007. When I began my journey, I expected to follow this itinerary:
STATION ARR. DEP.
Salisbury 20:56
Westbury 21:22 21:30
Exeter St. Davids 22:42 22:48
Teignmouth 23:33

I was previously aware that the Exeter – Teignmouth leg of the journey would be a replacement bus service due to the maintenance work currently occurring at weekends between Exeter and Paignton, so the journey was already slower than I would have liked.

Between Salisbury and Westbury there were only 3 passengers, including myself, on the train. One of these was an extremely drunk gentleman who caused a great deal of bother to me, including at one point trying to grab my mobile phone out of my hand. He flouted anti-smoking laws and smoked three cigarettes whilst sat at a table adjacent to me, the first of which was briefly interrupted by a member of the train staff who seemed reluctant to actually do much about his behaviour. His consistent shouting and abusive language left me feeling particularly uneasy about his presence on the train, yet the train staff just simply couldn’t be bothered to entertain the hassle of punishing him.

When I alighted at Westbury, the station was fairly empty and I was immediately approached by a member of staff who asked me if I was intending on getting the train from Westbury to Exeter. When I answered in the positive, he told me the train had been cancelled (despite my asking why, he would not give me any good reason and vaguely put it down to a “timetabling issue”). He told me to get back onto the train and keep going to Bristol, where I could catch a train down to Exeter. I got back on the train and continued my journey. Ten minutes or so later, a member of the train staff onboard asked me if I was going to Exeter, and he told me not to get off at Bristol as I wouldn’t make it in time for the train from Bristol to Exeter. Instead I was told to get off at Bath and get the 22:00 train to Exeter St. Davids.

Upon alighting at Bath Spa, I saw that the train to Exeter St. Davids would not arrive until 23:48, a quarter of an hour after I should have already reached my final destination of Teignmouth. I was fully aware that I would miss the replacement bus service from Exeter that my original itinerary included, so I asked a member of staff onboard what to do about it. He said it would be sorted for me, and shortly after that another member of staff came through the train and surveyed everyone, asking if they were intending to travel further than Exeter, so that alternate coach transport could be organised. I informed him that I was travelling to Teignmouth, and he noted this down.

When we pulled into Exeter there was a small group of staff waiting outside the Station Manager’s office who shouted to the departing passengers that there were buses to Newton Abbot and Plymouth waiting outside. I followed the crowd round to these buses, where I asked a member of station staff in an orange jacket which of the two buses was the one heading to Teignmouth. I was told to join the queue for the bus at the front, and after about a ten minute wait, a female member of staff who seemed to be organising all of the alternative transport and looked particularly stressed, informed those of us who were waiting for the front bus to open its doors that we should get onto the 2nd bus, as “that will now cover both routes”. So, trusting in what I had been told, I got onto that bus.

The first stop the bus took was Newton Abbot, this did surprise me slightly considering Teignmouth would usually come just before Newton Abbot, but I safe in the knowledge of what I had been told by the orange-jacketed member of staff at Exeter St. Davids, I remained on the bus and presumed the driver had simply taken a different route. As soon as I saw him fail to take a signposted turn off to Teignmouth, I walked up the bus and spoke to him, asking him why he hadn’t stopped in Teignmouth. He told me that the bus was scheduled to stop only at Newton Abbot, Totnes, and Plymouth. I let him know that I had been told at the station that the bus would call into Teignmouth, but of course there was nothing he could do for me at that time, and I knew I would now have to end up going through the hassle of getting a taxi back to Teignmouth and having to claim it back from you. After I had spoken to the driver, we didn’t go through any built-up areas that would have been appropriate to alight and get a taxi from, so I had to wait until the bus pulled up at Totnes station, and I got off there.

I immediately phoned one of the numbers from the notice board at the station with an array of taxi numbers, and after ten minutes of waiting in the cold, a taxi picked me up, finally taking me to Teignmouth at the cost of £36, arriving over two hours late at 01:40am. Please find below scans of the taxi receipt:

If you need any further confirmation of this taxi journey, I believe the firm was called Castle Cabs, contactable on 01803 868686. Unfortunately it was only when I came to scan this receipt a moment ago that I noticed the firm’s contact details weren’t present.

As if that wasn’t enough trauma for one journey, because of the late time I returned home, I had been locked out of the house with no way to get back in, and I had to wait in a 5’ x 3’ porch for 5 hours until 6:45am when I was let in. Whilst I can’t directly blame you for having to wait in the cold porch, which has since given me severe back pain, there is no way this would have happened had you delivered a proper rail service, or even a proper replacement bus service, that night. I dread to think how much worse it could have been had I been an elderly lady, had there not been any taxis available from Totnes, or had I not had a mobile phone or enough cash on me at the time.

Whilst I appreciate that trains get cancelled from time to time, I don’t appreciate not being told why, and I really, really don’t appreciate being given inaccurate information by a member of staff which leads me to lose £36, many hours, and risk my health for the sake of what should have been a simple journey.

This is the latest in a line of recent disappointments with the rail service. Two weeks ago, a friend who was visiting me in Teignmouth from Exeter was given wrong information by a member of station staff, and was told that he should go from Exeter to Newton Abbot and then Newton Abbot to Teignmouth in order to get the journey done as quickly as possible. He was told he would have to wait no more than five minutes at Newton Abbot, but there were no trains for almost 45 minutes and he was stranded at Newton Abbot, again paying the price for trusting a member of staff at Exeter St. Davids – it’s pretty worrying to have to begin to question the ability of such members of staff and the accuracy of their knowledge.

And a month ago, a journey from Hove to Teignmouth should have taken me just over 4 hours, yet when the train from Hove to Southampton Central was just seven minutes late, a domino effect caused me to miss all the trains I would have liked to have caught and the journey ended up taking me over 10 hours as I was forced to follow a ridiculous route back home.

Despite this letter’s rant, I am not the complaining type, but the added impact of having to pay for my own taxi from Totnes to Teignmouth has obviously given me no choice but to write and claim the money back from you. In the two recounted examples above, where a great deal of time has been wasted, the lack of any financial effect means that there would be no real grounds to seek compensation, and as such, it feels to me that station staff, and rail operators at large, cannot be held accountable for delayed or cancelled services, or perhaps most worryingly, the distribution of inaccurate information

Whilst I can realistically hold you responsible for no more than £36, I hope this letter has enabled you to understand that your mistakes have cost me so much more than mere financial implications, from the ineffectiveness the staff on the first train showed in dealing with a troublesome passenger, right through to the excessive hours I had to endure travelling on wrong buses and waiting in a cold porch. I hope your response will take into account the true nature of my disillusionment.

I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible.
Yours truly,

Matt Morrison

---------------------------
Got the £36 back for the taxi but nothing more, the cunts.

Raspberries and maths now:



Dear Sir or Madam,
On a recent trip to Oxford to visit relatives, I called into Amesbury Co-Op for some lunchtime/car journey-style snacks with my mother and sister.

I’ll keep the story brief – you are (were; offer ended 1st June) advertising that your Co-operative Raspberries (225g Class 1) were being sold at half price, reduced from £2.99 to £1.99 per pack.

I’m sure you are aware that half price should actually be £1.49 and not £1.99. We had absolutely no luck trying to convince the lady who served us of the problem and when she started saying things like “yeah, look, they are half price – you get a pound off” we realised we were at a dead end, so gave up and decided to just send the evidence to you guys.

Of course, whilst I can understand that it isn’t necessary to ensure that customer service assistants have passed their GCSE Maths exam, it’s pretty shocking that whole departments (pricing, marketing, store display team, etc.) can let obvious mistakes like this slip through the net!

I would have been happy of course with just getting my rightful 50p refund at the till, but now that I’ve been forced into writing to you, I’m sure you’ll compensate me with a whole year of free raspberries or something similar.

Yours mathematically,


Matt Morrison

-----------------
They quite enjoyed the fun letter and wrote back quite a funny one themselves about GCSEs and lifetime supplies of raspberries, with a £5 voucher.

[Charlie Reams]

Still pretty awesome. I wonder if I've eaten more than £5's worth of raspberries in my life?

[Michael Wallace]

Quality, although if I'd been you and only sent £36 for the train shizzle I'd've sent them another letter - that's super cheeky.

[Jon Corby]

Still pretty awesome. I wonder if I've eaten more than £5's worth of raspberries in my life?

Nice one Matt, enjoyed the letters. I need to write a couple of my own (nothing particularly interesting) and you may have just inspired me to get on with it.

I've definitely eaten more than £5 worth of raspberries in my life. In fact, I'm going to go away now and calculate the exact worth of my lifetime's raspberry consumption right now.

[Matt Morrison]

Quality, although if I'd been you and only sent £36 for the train shizzle I'd've sent them another letter - that's super cheeky.

Yeah, looking back I wish I had after all the effort I'd put in (I had to send that original letter twice, then a subsequent letter with scans of the tickets).
I can't remember the precise terms of their letter when they gave the £36 back, maybe it was clear I wouldn't get any more. Trains people truly are bastards.

[Ryan Taylor]

My dad grows raspberries but I don't eat them.

[Jon Corby]

Trains people truly are bastards.

Are you including Kirk and George Jenkins in this category?

Also, I have completed my super-accurate raspberry consumption calculations, and the results are as follows:

Yes, I have eaten more than £5 worth of raspberries in my lifetime.

[Gavin Chipper]

I'm very surprised you only got £36 for the train. I was under the impression that they're supposed to compensate you if a journey is delayed by more than a certain time, not just if you've actually lost money. That's what happens here, and I can only assume it's standard.

What's that about having a door to your house that doesn't work after a certain time?

[Matt Morrison]

I'm very surprised you only got £36 for the train.

Yeah, the more you guys say it the more I think "ah shit".

What's that about having a door to your house that doesn't work after a certain time?

Outer front door, porch, inner door. The porch is basically inside, proper carpet and that, not an outside-y porch, but being a 3 storey house and them being old grandparents who slept on the top floor where they wouldn't hear an intruder, they tended to lock both layers of door using the same key set. So, after being so late they assumed I wasn't coming back or something, I could get in through the front door into the porch using my own key, but couldn't for the life of me shift their set of keys out of the inner door which is where they left them after locking it.

[Lesley Hines]

So, after being so late they assumed I wasn't coming back or something

You have clearly enjoyed quite a career as a lush then. Awesome stories - gotta be up there with the all-time classic letters

[Joseph Krol]

I don't like raspberries.

[Ryan Taylor]

My mate was a little pissed off with how his sweets from Tesco kept being replaced by shit sweets so I wrote a letter for him in hope of FREE STUFF.

Letter read as follows:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I have been a regular buyer of Tesco’s own brand bags of sweets for a long period of time and I often take advantage of the ‘3 bags for £1.00’ offer that you supply. However, recently, after moving house, I am now closer to a Sainsbury’s store than the local Tesco. Yet due to my love for the great tasting sweets that you produce I occasionally used to walk the extra distance in order to fulfil what my taste buds desired.

This came to an end when I began to shop online using the Tesco website and I would regularly shop for the ‘3 bags for £1.00’ particularly I enjoy the ‘Liquid Filled Creatures’ and other classics like ‘Gummy Mix’ and ‘Monkeys and Bananas’. Unfortunately, I have been unsatisfied using this service because on successive occasions (most recently 21st February 2011) the 3 bags of ‘Liquid Filled Creatures’ that I placed on the shopping list happened to be substituted. This was a great annoyance to me, not just because I love ‘Liquid Filled Creatures’ but also because the replacement items were 3 bags of ‘Build a Burger’ – a product that I was unfamiliar with having never tasted them.

I managed to overcome the initial shock that for the second week running my beloved ‘Liquid Filled Creatures’ had been displaced by the ‘Build a Burger’ bags. I was not a fan the first time round so you can imagine that consuming three bags was difficult and at times I was forced into offering my own sweets (that I had never even asked for) to my fellow housemates. This was not only a waste of my sweets but it transpired that the housemates also did not fully appreciate the ‘Build a Burger’ either.

The final straw for me, which has left me no option but to write you this letter, occurred on the evening of 24th February 2011. My housemates had gone out and I was home alone on this particular evening. I decided that I would attempt to make the most of my evening alone by opening a frowned upon bag of ‘Build a Burger’. To my astonishment I was not able to accomplish the fundamental principle of your product. By definition a burger is essentially a sandwich and a sandwich must have both a slice of bread on the bottom and on the top hence sandwiching the filling. In this bag of ‘Build a Burger’ there was just one ‘bread sweet’ meaning I simply could not build a burger. I humorously thought Tesco should rename the product as ‘Build a Slice of Toast with Something on Top’. This tickled me and I quietly chuckled to myself.

To conclude, I am unhappy with the fact that I can no longer seem to obtain any ‘Liquid Filled Creatures’ (both online and in store). Secondly, I find it hard to grasp that Tesco apparently do not ensure that the product ‘Build a Burger’ fulfils its descriptive role. I am now left with the dilemma of whether I should continue to buy the ‘3 bags for £1.00’ from Tesco when I can go to the much closer Sainsbury’s store and still manage to buy 3 bags of sweets for £1.00 including ‘Teeth and Lips’ (which you also sell) and the arguably better product ‘Eric the Elephant’. I would ask you to consider stocking ‘Liquid Filled Creatures’ in all stores and additionally advise you to double check that your ‘Build a Burger’ bags do indeed contain the correct type of sweets so that a burger (or more) can be built. I would hate for you to lose a valued customer over something as trivial as this but it would seem that given the status quo, it is more beneficial for me to transfer my custom to Sainsbury’s.

I look forward to hearing a response from you in the near future,

Yours truly,

David Moore
Valued Customer
Tesco clubcard number: ****** **** **** ****

Anyway they did get back to us but sadly not with any free stuff chucked in. THE BASTARDS!!!

[Soph K]

Saw Charlie the other day and he brought up an old complaint I made to National Rail - well, when I say "brought up" I mean that him and Heather took the piss out of me for being mental for five minutes.
Anyway, just in case you're bored and have 10 minutes reading time, it's below, with scans and pictures omitted:



Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to complain about the conditions of a journey I undertook from Salisbury to Teignmouth on the evening of Saturday 3rd March 2007. When I began my journey, I expected to follow this itinerary:
STATION ARR. DEP.
Salisbury 20:56
Westbury 21:22 21:30
Exeter St. Davids 22:42 22:48
Teignmouth 23:33

I was previously aware that the Exeter – Teignmouth leg of the journey would be a replacement bus service due to the maintenance work currently occurring at weekends between Exeter and Paignton, so the journey was already slower than I would have liked.

Between Salisbury and Westbury there were only 3 passengers, including myself, on the train. One of these was an extremely drunk gentleman who caused a great deal of bother to me, including at one point trying to grab my mobile phone out of my hand. He flouted anti-smoking laws and smoked three cigarettes whilst sat at a table adjacent to me, the first of which was briefly interrupted by a member of the train staff who seemed reluctant to actually do much about his behaviour. His consistent shouting and abusive language left me feeling particularly uneasy about his presence on the train, yet the train staff just simply couldn’t be bothered to entertain the hassle of punishing him.

When I alighted at Westbury, the station was fairly empty and I was immediately approached by a member of staff who asked me if I was intending on getting the train from Westbury to Exeter. When I answered in the positive, he told me the train had been cancelled (despite my asking why, he would not give me any good reason and vaguely put it down to a “timetabling issue”). He told me to get back onto the train and keep going to Bristol, where I could catch a train down to Exeter. I got back on the train and continued my journey. Ten minutes or so later, a member of the train staff onboard asked me if I was going to Exeter, and he told me not to get off at Bristol as I wouldn’t make it in time for the train from Bristol to Exeter. Instead I was told to get off at Bath and get the 22:00 train to Exeter St. Davids.

Upon alighting at Bath Spa, I saw that the train to Exeter St. Davids would not arrive until 23:48, a quarter of an hour after I should have already reached my final destination of Teignmouth. I was fully aware that I would miss the replacement bus service from Exeter that my original itinerary included, so I asked a member of staff onboard what to do about it. He said it would be sorted for me, and shortly after that another member of staff came through the train and surveyed everyone, asking if they were intending to travel further than Exeter, so that alternate coach transport could be organised. I informed him that I was travelling to Teignmouth, and he noted this down.

When we pulled into Exeter there was a small group of staff waiting outside the Station Manager’s office who shouted to the departing passengers that there were buses to Newton Abbot and Plymouth waiting outside. I followed the crowd round to these buses, where I asked a member of station staff in an orange jacket which of the two buses was the one heading to Teignmouth. I was told to join the queue for the bus at the front, and after about a ten minute wait, a female member of staff who seemed to be organising all of the alternative transport and looked particularly stressed, informed those of us who were waiting for the front bus to open its doors that we should get onto the 2nd bus, as “that will now cover both routes”. So, trusting in what I had been told, I got onto that bus.

The first stop the bus took was Newton Abbot, this did surprise me slightly considering Teignmouth would usually come just before Newton Abbot, but I safe in the knowledge of what I had been told by the orange-jacketed member of staff at Exeter St. Davids, I remained on the bus and presumed the driver had simply taken a different route. As soon as I saw him fail to take a signposted turn off to Teignmouth, I walked up the bus and spoke to him, asking him why he hadn’t stopped in Teignmouth. He told me that the bus was scheduled to stop only at Newton Abbot, Totnes, and Plymouth. I let him know that I had been told at the station that the bus would call into Teignmouth, but of course there was nothing he could do for me at that time, and I knew I would now have to end up going through the hassle of getting a taxi back to Teignmouth and having to claim it back from you. After I had spoken to the driver, we didn’t go through any built-up areas that would have been appropriate to alight and get a taxi from, so I had to wait until the bus pulled up at Totnes station, and I got off there.

I immediately phoned one of the numbers from the notice board at the station with an array of taxi numbers, and after ten minutes of waiting in the cold, a taxi picked me up, finally taking me to Teignmouth at the cost of £36, arriving over two hours late at 01:40am. Please find below scans of the taxi receipt:

If you need any further confirmation of this taxi journey, I believe the firm was called Castle Cabs, contactable on 01803 868686. Unfortunately it was only when I came to scan this receipt a moment ago that I noticed the firm’s contact details weren’t present.

As if that wasn’t enough trauma for one journey, because of the late time I returned home, I had been locked out of the house with no way to get back in, and I had to wait in a 5’ x 3’ porch for 5 hours until 6:45am when I was let in. Whilst I can’t directly blame you for having to wait in the cold porch, which has since given me severe back pain, there is no way this would have happened had you delivered a proper rail service, or even a proper replacement bus service, that night. I dread to think how much worse it could have been had I been an elderly lady, had there not been any taxis available from Totnes, or had I not had a mobile phone or enough cash on me at the time.

Whilst I appreciate that trains get cancelled from time to time, I don’t appreciate not being told why, and I really, really don’t appreciate being given inaccurate information by a member of staff which leads me to lose £36, many hours, and risk my health for the sake of what should have been a simple journey.

This is the latest in a line of recent disappointments with the rail service. Two weeks ago, a friend who was visiting me in Teignmouth from Exeter was given wrong information by a member of station staff, and was told that he should go from Exeter to Newton Abbot and then Newton Abbot to Teignmouth in order to get the journey done as quickly as possible. He was told he would have to wait no more than five minutes at Newton Abbot, but there were no trains for almost 45 minutes and he was stranded at Newton Abbot, again paying the price for trusting a member of staff at Exeter St. Davids – it’s pretty worrying to have to begin to question the ability of such members of staff and the accuracy of their knowledge.

And a month ago, a journey from Hove to Teignmouth should have taken me just over 4 hours, yet when the train from Hove to Southampton Central was just seven minutes late, a domino effect caused me to miss all the trains I would have liked to have caught and the journey ended up taking me over 10 hours as I was forced to follow a ridiculous route back home.

Despite this letter’s rant, I am not the complaining type, but the added impact of having to pay for my own taxi from Totnes to Teignmouth has obviously given me no choice but to write and claim the money back from you. In the two recounted examples above, where a great deal of time has been wasted, the lack of any financial effect means that there would be no real grounds to seek compensation, and as such, it feels to me that station staff, and rail operators at large, cannot be held accountable for delayed or cancelled services, or perhaps most worryingly, the distribution of inaccurate information

Whilst I can realistically hold you responsible for no more than £36, I hope this letter has enabled you to understand that your mistakes have cost me so much more than mere financial implications, from the ineffectiveness the staff on the first train showed in dealing with a troublesome passenger, right through to the excessive hours I had to endure travelling on wrong buses and waiting in a cold porch. I hope your response will take into account the true nature of my disillusionment.

I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible.
Yours truly,

Matt Morrison

---------------------------
Got the £36 back for the taxi but nothing more, the cunts.

Raspberries and maths now:



Dear Sir or Madam,
On a recent trip to Oxford to visit relatives, I called into Amesbury Co-Op for some lunchtime/car journey-style snacks with my mother and sister.

I’ll keep the story brief – you are (were; offer ended 1st June) advertising that your Co-operative Raspberries (225g Class 1) were being sold at half price, reduced from £2.99 to £1.99 per pack.

I’m sure you are aware that half price should actually be £1.49 and not £1.99. We had absolutely no luck trying to convince the lady who served us of the problem and when she started saying things like “yeah, look, they are half price – you get a pound off” we realised we were at a dead end, so gave up and decided to just send the evidence to you guys.

Of course, whilst I can understand that it isn’t necessary to ensure that customer service assistants have passed their GCSE Maths exam, it’s pretty shocking that whole departments (pricing, marketing, store display team, etc.) can let obvious mistakes like this slip through the net!

I would have been happy of course with just getting my rightful 50p refund at the till, but now that I’ve been forced into writing to you, I’m sure you’ll compensate me with a whole year of free raspberries or something similar.

Yours mathematically,


Matt Morrison

-----------------
They quite enjoyed the fun letter and wrote back quite a funny one themselves about GCSEs and lifetime supplies of raspberries, with a £5 voucher.

Can't be at all bothered to read that; it's so long!!!

[Michael Wallace]

some stuff

Super lame response, but I guess they figure they don't owe you anything if there are systems in place that you didn't know about. Still always feel a letter is worth at least something (although it's probably not as amusing sounding if you are familiar with the sweet names, as I am not).

[Ryan Taylor]

some stuff

Super lame response, but I guess they figure they don't owe you anything if there are systems in place that you didn't know about. Still always feel a letter is worth at least something (although it's probably not as amusing sounding if you are familiar with the sweet names, as I am not).

Yup proper lame. My letter writing skills are a bit shit clearly! But seriously you need to try some Eric the Elephant's they're fucking gorgeous, kind of like M&S Percy Pigs.

[Ben Hunter]

[Gavin Chipper]

That's brilliant, although surely the M&Ms will weaken with each fight. The winner might end up just being the one who was the challenger in the last fight. I used to do a similar thing with an old cereal we used to have years ago - I think they were called Oat Crunchies.

[Marc Meakin]

Not sure wher to post this due to my restricted use here but I have 3 spare tickets to Daves One Night Stand at the Haymarket theatre this sunday 26th June I know Stephen K Amos is the compare PM me if you are interested.
BTW I am going too (hope that not a deal breaker lol)

[Jon Corby]

Phew, I was worried what "free stuff" you might have helped yourself to this time.

[Marc Meakin]

Phew, I was worried what "free stuff" you might have helped yourself to this time.

meh