Joke Items

Discuss anything interesting but not remotely Countdown-related here.

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Marc Meakin
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin »

Mark James wrote: Wed Jul 22, 2020 2:45 pm Strimmers.
I'm with you when it comes to changing the cartridge
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Re: Joke Items

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Marc Meakin wrote: Thu Jul 02, 2020 8:55 am Next time you go bowling , sometime in 2023/4 , try to bring extra footwear , play two games , one with bowling shoes on and one without and compare scores
Good news on the bowling front , you can now wear your own shoes when bowling centres re-open
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Post by Gavin Chipper »

The word "garlicky". Such a horrific construction with "licky" in it and the k is arbitrary anyway. It should be "garliccy" and that's how I will spell it from now on (if I ever need to write it). Similarly it should be "panicced", not "panicked" (though I won't insist on this spelling). You double up letters, not arbitrarily add a letter that happens to be pronounced the same way.
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Gavin Chipper wrote: Tue Jul 28, 2020 7:55 am The word "garlicky". Such a horrific construction with "licky" in it and the k is arbitrary anyway. It should be "garliccy" and that's how I will spell it from now on (if I ever need to write it). Similarly it should be "panicced", not "panicked" (though I won't insist on this spelling). You double up letters, not arbitrarily add a letter that happens to be pronounced the same way.
It’s not really arbitrary, inasmuch as all spelling rules are somewhat arbitrary. The k has an unambiguous pronunciation (unless it’s silent before an n) unlike c, so using a k is an improvement to doubling up. If you were complaining why ‘garlic’ is not spelled ‘garlik’ then there’s at least something in that.
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper »

Conor wrote: Tue Jul 28, 2020 9:19 am
Gavin Chipper wrote: Tue Jul 28, 2020 7:55 am The word "garlicky". Such a horrific construction with "licky" in it and the k is arbitrary anyway. It should be "garliccy" and that's how I will spell it from now on (if I ever need to write it). Similarly it should be "panicced", not "panicked" (though I won't insist on this spelling). You double up letters, not arbitrarily add a letter that happens to be pronounced the same way.
It’s not really arbitrary, inasmuch as all spelling rules are somewhat arbitrary. The k has an unambiguous pronunciation (unless it’s silent before an n) unlike c, so using a k is an improvement to doubling up. If you were complaining why ‘garlic’ is not spelled ‘garlik’ then there’s at least something in that.
Sure, but the main thing here is the horrificy of "gar-licky".
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper »

Other joke words include "suffrage" and "emancipation". These words have probably not been used in normal conversation for at least a hundred years, but for some reason they crop up as "women's suffrage" and "emancipation of women" as if people talking about these can't do so using without resorting to some archaic form of the language. Neither really work as positive words anyway because they have a negative feel about them. "Suffrage" is too much like "suffering" and "emancipate" is too much like "emaciate". "How was Dave when you saw him today?" "Not good actually. I don't think he's been eating properly. He's really emancipated."
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Post by Fiona T »

Well if we're on words that sound like they mean something entirely different to what they do, I give you bucolic. Sounds like a particularly nasty ailment of the bowels. The dictionary gives "Relating to the pleasant aspects of the countryside and country life." So that's nice.
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Gavin Chipper wrote: Tue Jul 28, 2020 7:44 pm Other joke words include "suffrage" and "emancipation". These words have probably not been used in normal conversation for at least a hundred years, but for some reason they crop up as "women's suffrage" and "emancipation of women" as if people talking about these can't do so using without resorting to some archaic form of the language. Neither really work as positive words anyway because they have a negative feel about them. "Suffrage" is too much like "suffering" and "emancipate" is too much like "emaciate". "How was Dave when you saw him today?" "Not good actually. I don't think he's been eating properly. He's really emancipated."
Chocaholic.....in fact any holic suffixes apart from alcoholic and words that don't mean addiction to.....
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Post by Marc Meakin »

I was going to make a topic on joke words but I didn't think it would have legs , but maybe it's time
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Nautical miles.
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Gavin Chipper wrote: Sat Aug 08, 2020 7:11 pm Nautical miles.
You kid me knot
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Captcha. Do you really need me to click on endless pictures of traffic lights to prove I'm not a robot? No, so fuck off.
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Post by Fiona T »

Gavin Chipper wrote: Mon Aug 17, 2020 6:56 pm Captcha. Do you really need me to click on endless pictures of traffic lights to prove I'm not a robot? No, so fuck off.
In South Africa, traffic lights are called robots. :)
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Post by Matt Rutherford »

Records/cassettes being brought today. I can understand collections from a time when they were ubiquitous, but now? YouTube, Spotify and many other services exist giving you every song you want, as you like it, at the click of a button and have done for some time. Spending £15 because something 'sounds better' or is 'more authentic' seems like a waste.

Might just be me being a miser. That said my taste in music has Hot Chip, U2 and John Tavener's canticle chants in the same playlist, so that might disqualify me from having an opinion on anything involving instruments. :)
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Post by Gavin Chipper »

Search engines that ignore common words like "and" or "the" even when they are part of a whole thing that's put in quotes.
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Fireworks or more specifically bonfire night.
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Post by Gavin Chipper »

Marc Meakin wrote: Thu Nov 05, 2020 6:58 pm Fireworks or more specifically bonfire night.
It's been 415 years, let it go
I'd say Hallowe'en more so. Largely a non-event until recently with Guy Fawkes night being a bigger deal, everyone seems to have become obsessed with taking their children out mugging, which was very much a minority pursuit not so long ago.
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Post by Paul Anderson »

Maybe in England, but the rest of us have been celebrating Samhain or the start of winter for thousands of years.
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Post by Gavin Chipper »

Paul Anderson wrote: Fri Nov 06, 2020 10:05 am Maybe in England, but the rest of us have been celebrating Samhain or the start of winter for thousands of years.
Possibly then, but I was also thinking mainly about the children-going-mugging aspect of it, which seems to have come over from America and which seems to have become the "main" part of Hallowe'en in recent years. Here at least.

But anyway, I didn't know Samhain was a thing, so now I've just educated myself about it! (If you call skimming over a Wikipedia article educating oneself.)
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Contract trace app.
My stepdaughter has the app and it has just pinged to tell her to self isolate and she hadn't left the house since yesterday.
I also have the app and mine had not pinged.
Either I'm missing something or the app is crap
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Marc Meakin wrote: Mon Nov 09, 2020 2:03 pm Contract trace app.
My stepdaughter has the app and it has just pinged to tell her to self isolate and she hadn't left the house since yesterday.
I also have the app and mine had not pinged.
Either I'm missing something or the app is crap
It could easily take a day for a test result and the subsequent tracing to work its way through the system. If it had been a week, I'd possibly be a little surprised.
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Ian Volante wrote: Tue Nov 10, 2020 12:58 pm
Marc Meakin wrote: Mon Nov 09, 2020 2:03 pm Contract trace app.
My stepdaughter has the app and it has just pinged to tell her to self isolate and she hadn't left the house since yesterday.
I also have the app and mine had not pinged.
Either I'm missing something or the app is crap
It could easily take a day for a test result and the subsequent tracing to work its way through the system. If it had been a week, I'd possibly be a little surprised.
I think the issue was with her blue tooth it was off for a few days and when she put it on it went off.
As she works in a doctors surgery it's likely to have come from there.
So she should isolate but I don't have to..... I think
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Break Dancing as an Olympic sport
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Kaspersky Protected Browser.

Just... why.
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I probably already posted that the test and trace app is a joke item.
I awoke this morning at 3am to get ready to work when i noticed a notification on my phone telling me that i need to self isolate for 4 days.
I cant for the life of me work out how its four days unless whoever is responsible for informing people that they have come into contact with someone infected took 5 days off.
Unless someone went shopping knowing they had covid during there isolation period.
If anyone can throw some light on this i would aprecite it.
I had to screenshot it to send to my line manager as it seemed fishy
Btw i always check nofications
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Butter substitutes that have dairy in, or generally aren't vegan. What's the point?
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Gavin Chipper wrote: Sat Jan 23, 2021 9:06 pm Butter substitutes that have dairy in, or generally aren't vegan. What's the point?
I'm guessing its ablout saturated fat content.
My aunt marge has had a debilitating heart condition due to saturated fats.
She's had it for years, I can't bekieve she's not better 😊
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Marc Meakin wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 10:46 am
Gavin Chipper wrote: Sat Jan 23, 2021 9:06 pm Butter substitutes that have dairy in, or generally aren't vegan. What's the point?
I'm guessing its ablout saturated fat content.
My aunt marge has had a debilitating heart condition due to saturated fats.
She's had it for years, I can't bekieve she's not better 😊
She was even called Marge. It's that attention to detail that makes it work so well.
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Gavin Chipper wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 6:34 pm
Marc Meakin wrote: Sun Jan 24, 2021 10:46 am
Gavin Chipper wrote: Sat Jan 23, 2021 9:06 pm Butter substitutes that have dairy in, or generally aren't vegan. What's the point?
I'm guessing its ablout saturated fat content.
My aunt marge has had a debilitating heart condition due to saturated fats.
She's had it for years, I can't bekieve she's not better 😊
She was even called Marge. It's that attention to detail that makes it work so well.
Before anyone else.
It's the shame the attention to detail didn't include proof reading it 😊
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Post by Gavin Chipper »

Icing on cakes. It just makes it taste worse.

Also, those "fancy" cakes people make that are meant to look like something that use icing to achieve this. A friend of mine had a birthday party a couple of years ago and some cake "expert" had made him a cake that looked like his favourite football team's shirt by just coating a cake in the right colours of icing. It was so thick and sickly that a few of us had to subtly chuck away the rest of our slices after a few bites. I'd rather just have a cake that tastes nice.
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Gavin Chipper wrote: Mon Aug 17, 2020 6:56 pm Captcha. Do you really need me to click on endless pictures of traffic lights to prove I'm not a robot? No, so fuck off.
I somehow think Bladerunner would have been shit if they used Captcha
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Android phones security settings.
My employer uses Lumapps and Google Currents to communicate to those of us that have redeployed but in order to download the apps Android wants to reconfigure my security settings insisting I have a password also it affects my apps including legit ones like Scrabble Go.
Everyone i work with that has an Iphone doesnt have this problem
Last edited by Marc Meakin on Thu Feb 25, 2021 3:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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I would be worried about your android spell checker as well.
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Pears.
They are ripe for about 13 minutes
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Post by Rhys Benjamin »

European Super League. Obviously.
The Hundred. Obviously.
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Post by Gavin Chipper »

Rhys Benjamin wrote: Wed Apr 21, 2021 7:33 pm European Super League. Obviously.
As someone who doesn't really follow football, I didn't really pick up exactly what was going on here. So are concise answers to the following questions possible?

1. What was the big draw of this super league in the first place that made the teams sign up?
2. What was so bad about this league that every fan in the universe detested the idea?
3. Why was there such a mismatch between what the team's owners thought and what the fans thought and couldn't the owners have foreseen the backlash?
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Gavin Chipper wrote: Wed Apr 21, 2021 8:58 pm
Rhys Benjamin wrote: Wed Apr 21, 2021 7:33 pm European Super League. Obviously.
As someone who doesn't really follow football, I didn't really pick up exactly what was going on here. So are concise answers to the following questions possible?

1. What was the big draw of this super league in the first place that made the teams sign up?
2. What was so bad about this league that every fan in the universe detested the idea?
3. Why was there such a mismatch between what the team's owners thought and what the fans thought and couldn't the owners have foreseen the backlash?
1. Money.

2. It was a closed shop. No relegation and promotion or qualification. It was inherently uncompetitive. The way the league system works now is that even the lowest ranked team has a chance to improve and climb up the ranks and then qualify for more prestigious competitions. The super league would have destroyed that. It would have been those 12 teams and that's it. Hundreds of clubs around Europe would have gone out if business.

3. Can't figure that one out. I can't believe they were that arrogant and disconnected. I think there might be more to it than meets the eye.
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Post by Gavin Chipper »

Cool, thanks. I'd heard something about the lack of promotion/relegation but wasn't sure if that was just one thing of many or the main thing.

It all seems very weird.

Could the whole thing have been some sort of posturing to change whatever money deals exist at the moment?
Last edited by Gavin Chipper on Thu Apr 22, 2021 8:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Gavin Chipper wrote: Wed Apr 21, 2021 9:58 pm Cool, thanks. I'd heard something about the lack of promotion/relegation but wasn't sure if that was just one thing of many or the main thing.

It all seems very weird.

Could the whole thing have been some sort if posturing to change whatever money deals exist at the moment?
This is a big wake up call for Euefa Champions league as the group stages are not exactly competitive.
Having 2 groups of 10 teams playing in a league format is probably the way to go but teams to qualify on merit rather than a closed shop
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It's not just money that makes this one different. There was massive opposition to the formation of the Premier League and the Champions League at the time, but now these are the good guys. The crucial difference is the absence of promotion and relegation. All of the big six are clearly among the strongest clubs in Europe, yet there is a distinct possibility that four of them will not qualify for next year's Champions League. It's to the enormous credit of their managers, players and fans that there is such total opposition to the idea.

How the owners could do this actually turns on what constitutes a fan. I'm a fan. I have a Liverpool season ticket and I pay an average of £29 for a good seat at every Premier League match. To an owner that makes me a drain on the business, because the open market value of my ticket must be many times that amount. I read somewhere that if you divide Manchester United's income by the number of people in the world who say they support Manchester United, they are making an average of less than £1 a year from each potential customer. And that if you look at the number of hits on Liverpool's website ranked by country, the UK is sixth. It's not hard to see that it's the worldwide potential they are looking at. I don't suppose anyone in the Far East worries too much about the fact that the Green Bay Packers can't get relegated.
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David Williams wrote: Thu Apr 22, 2021 9:50 am It's not just money that makes this one different. There was massive opposition to the formation of the Premier League and the Champions League at the time, but now these are the good guys. The crucial difference is the absence of promotion and relegation.
I agree with all of it. But ultimately the absence of promotion and relegation is also about money. From their perspective - how can you run a business with hundreds of millions of pounds of revenue that could pretty much vanish overnight if you have a bad run of luck?

Whilst I'm totally against the ESL I thought a lot of the reaction was pretty naive - as if this latest deference to hyper-capitalism is the one that broke the camel's back. And now everyone's feeling really empowered because we've got our traditional game back, and we can look forward to our World Cup next year in that great traditional footballing nation of Qatar.
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David Williams wrote: Thu Apr 22, 2021 9:50 amThere was massive opposition to the formation of the Premier League and the Champions League at the time, but now these are the good guys.
These weren't breakaway competitions, though, they were sanctioned by the relative footballing associations of England and Europe respectively.

The difference with the Super League was it was a breakaway of the 12 clubs rather than a new competition organised by UEFA/the FA, and, as stated above, a closed shop.
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Rhys Benjamin wrote: Thu Apr 22, 2021 1:25 pm
David Williams wrote: Thu Apr 22, 2021 9:50 amThere was massive opposition to the formation of the Premier League and the Champions League at the time, but now these are the good guys.
These weren't breakaway competitions, though, they were sanctioned by the relative footballing associations of England and Europe respectively.

The difference with the Super League was it was a breakaway of the 12 clubs rather than a new competition organised by UEFA/the FA, and, as stated above, a closed shop.
Iirc the original proposal of the premier league was also a closed shop with the top 2 divisions seperate from the other divisions.
Then there was consultation involving parachute payments etc and the rest is history.
I predict in the next 5 years a Super League will happen but with Eufa involvement probably having the top 3 or 4 clubs in the top countries and a lesser amount from elsewhere leading to two 10 team leagues with the top 4 in each league playing quarter finals etc.
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Post by Gavin Chipper »

Adverts at the end of YouTube videos. Who's watching them?
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Post by Gavin Chipper »

Breakfast in bed. I can't think of a more awkward and annoying place to eat. It's a ridiculous concept. What's even stupider is when people don't have it made for them, but get up and make it for themselves and then go back to fucking bed to eat it. Maybe this should be in "people you shouldn't trust". Whatever. It's here now.
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Gavin Chipper wrote: Sun May 16, 2021 9:14 pm Breakfast in bed. I can't think of a more awkward and annoying place to eat. It's a ridiculous concept. What's even stupider is when people don't have it made for them, but get up and make it for themselves and then go back to fucking bed to eat it. Maybe this should be in "people you shouldn't trust". Whatever. It's here now.
Good shout. Also crumbs.
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Gavin Chipper wrote: Sun May 16, 2021 9:14 pm Breakfast in bed. I can't think of a more awkward and annoying place to eat. It's a ridiculous concept. What's even stupider is when people don't have it made for them, but get up and make it for themselves and then go back to fucking bed to eat it. Maybe this should be in "people you shouldn't trust". Whatever. It's here now.
I think if someone makes you breakfast in bed then its cool and as long as you know how to eat properly you should avoid crumbs but yeah getting out of bed to make it for yourself is crazy, i wont even do that with a coffee.
I had a teasmade for years but i replaced that with a chilly bottle full of coffee from the night before.
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Post by Gavin Chipper »

Baseball bats. If you were designing an object specifically to be really bad at hitting balls, you'd minimise the surface area that you could hit the ball with. By having a curved surface, it's basically zero, and you have to hit the ball in exactly the right place or it's basically going nowhere. Cricket bats have a flat surface for a reason.

Now, I don't watch baseball, but I'd be willing to bet that no-one has ever successfully hit the ball.
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Continuing on the sporting theme I would like to include a full set of golf clubs.
Surely with an adjustable blade (?) and shaft you could get away with 3 or 4 clubs, at most, no need for a hefty bag.
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Post by Mark James »

Laces that are too long. Especially when they're the ones that come with shoe. Surely the people who make the shoe should know how long the laces that come with the shoe should be.
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Post by Marc Meakin »

Mark James wrote: Wed Jun 09, 2021 8:47 pm Laces that are too long. Especially when they're the ones that come with shoe. Surely the people who make the shoe should know how long the laces that come with the shoe should be.
If you are an old fat bastard like me then any shoes with laces
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Post by Mark James »

Radio controlled cars that deliver the football for kick off. Wtf was that all about.
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin »

Mark James wrote: Fri Jun 11, 2021 9:34 pm Radio controlled cars that deliver the football for kick off. Wtf was that all about.
I thought Ngolo Kante was driving 😊
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Mark James
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Mark James »

Alarms. All alarms should shut off automatically after an hour. If no one is going to respond to the alarm within that time then your shit deserves to get robbed. There's one going off all night. Can't sleep.
Marc Meakin
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin »

Mark James wrote: Tue Jul 13, 2021 4:02 am Alarms. All alarms should shut off automatically after an hour. If no one is going to respond to the alarm within that time then your shit deserves to get robbed. There's one going off all night. Can't sleep.
It does defeat the object as an alarm foing off for hoursmeans there is no remote security/police checking.
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Marc Meakin
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Marc Meakin »

The whole concept of changing your password.
When you get to my age relearning important stuff like having to change your password is a real pain.
I mean for me i want a simple but unique 8 letter password. I am happy to use upper case at the front or/and the back using a word/phrase/Ni number thats unique to me.
I dont want to be compelled, not only to change it monthly but then be told it NOW must contain a character.

I was happy using Goulash but then got told its not stroganoff 😊

This from an organisation that is paranoid about hacking but is happy to leak sensitive company news within minutes of staff being told
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Gavin Chipper
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Gavin Chipper »

I think it's generally accepted (by sensible people) that making people keep changing their password and making them use "special characters", capital letters etc. is pointless and stupid.

The best passwords are ones that are reasonably long (so hard to brute force) and easy for you to remember. Like just sticking three words together.
Fred Mumford
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Fred Mumford »

Yeah, insisting on complicated passwords (or enforcing regular changes) makes it more likely that people will write them down, which kind of defeats the intention of making things more secure.
Mark James
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Re: Joke Items

Post by Mark James »

Mark James wrote: Tue Jul 13, 2021 4:02 am Alarms. All alarms should shut off automatically after an hour. If no one is going to respond to the alarm within that time then your shit deserves to get robbed. There's one going off all night. Can't sleep.
Just an update on this. It was a business's alarm that was going off. I rang the police around 4 in the morning then rang the business itself around 5 not expecting to get an answer since surely if there was someone there they would have turned the fecking thing off but no, got through to the security desk to be told that the guy was on his break. Let's just say I gave him some verbal encouragement to turn it off. Only got about two hours sleep before having to go to work and then had a game of football later that evening. Bloody wrecked I was.
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